How simple.
Donovan is messy. And so is Adam.
Donovan is always trying to peek inside my head. He wants all my secrets. And Adam? Adam just… well, I don’t really know what Adam wants. Compliance, maybe? Submission? I’m not sure.
But McKay. McKay just wants me. He’s not looking for what’s hidden beneath all my layers and he’s not trying to use me as a weapon. I think McKay just wants to take care of me. But not by force.
Like when he used to cook my dinners. He always made something I didn’t like, but he didn’t make me eat it. He just asked me to try it.
“Just give it a try, Indie. One bite. And if you hate it, spit it out and I’ll never serve it again.”
Most of the time I did spit it out. But not always. I really thought I hated sweet potatoes. I refused to eat them for three Thanksgivings. But then one year I took a bite and they were good.
I liked mangoes too. I put up a big fight over mangoes. Which was stupid. But I liked them in the end.
That’s the best thing about McKay. He never wanted more from me than I was willing to give. He was patient. He was just… there. Every time.
And maybe he didn’t save my life the way Adam did. And maybe he didn’t save my mind the way Donovan did.
But he saved my soul.
Which is ironic, since Adam was the one who made me go to church.
McKay saved my soul.
I’m not sure why I feel that way. I just know it to be true.
I flop back on my bed. I can hear them arguing down the hallway. Not all of it. But Adam is yelling, as usual. And Donovan is being self-righteous, as usual. McKay doesn’t say much, but when I do hear his voice, it’s low and calm. That’s just his way.
I reach over to grab one of the quilted pillows to put under my head, but my hand bumps into something hard.
I sit up and look at the tape player. “What the fuck is this?”
I hold it in my hands, wondering where it came from. Who put it here? Then I pop the button to open it, take out the cassette tape, and read the writing on the label.
INTERVIEW WITH INDIE
AGE 20.0
SESSION #190
I think I die when the meaning of those handwritten words sinks in. I think my heart stops and I float out of my body like a ghost.
This was the very bad day.
This was the day I lost it.
This was the day I…
I put it back in the machine and press play.
Donovan’s voice fills the room. Then mine.
He is panicked.
And I am crying.
CHAPTER THIRTY - DONOVAN
PRESENT DAY
I throw open the door, cross the room, and rip the tape player out of her hands.
I press a button and my voice stops talking.
Indie just looks up at me like…
“I know I put it there.” I’m desperate to explain as Adam and McKay come in behind me. “But…”
Indie holds out her hand, palm up, and says, calm as can be, “I want to hear it, Donovan. Give it back.”
I turn around and look at Adam. He’s glowering at me. But his words come out slow, and smooth, and mean. “What the actual fuck, Donovan? You gave her that tape?”
“I was… I thought…”
“It’s my mind, Donovan. And now it’s time for you to give it back.”
I turn to McKay. “McKay…”
“Give it to her. She needs to know the truth.”
And that just pisses me off. Because I have been wanting to tell her the truth about who and what she is for years. And now I look like the one who was keeping those secrets. “Fuck it.” I throw the player onto the bed. “Fuck it then. Listen to it.”
I walk out of the room, go back into my room, grab the bag filled with tapes I brought with me, and then take it back to Indie’s room and toss it onto the bed. “Listen to them all, Indie. Be my guest. I have nothing to hide anymore.”
I walk over to the bath tub and take a seat on the edge. Lean over to put my head in my hands. “I did my best. I swear to God, I did.”
But I don’t even think they hear me. Because Indie has already resumed the tape.
OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. Listen to me, Indie. Listen to me.
Oh, my God. What did I do? What just happened? Where is Maggie?
I’m gonna put you under—
Holy fuck! Holy! Fuck!
I’m gonna count backwards from—
Where is she? Where is she?
Ten. You’re… everything’s… great. Ten.
Maggie!
Nine. You’re calm. You’re breathing easy!
Oh, my fucking God! What did I do?
Eight… fuck this shit.
What are you doing?
Hold still.
What are you doing? Donovan!
Hold still!
Ow! What the fuck!
Just calm down, OK? Just calm down.
You just stuck me in the neck with a needle!
It’s for your own good. It will calm you down. I can’t put you under if—
I don’t need to go under! I want to see my daughter! Where the fuck is my daughter?
Adam’s taking her to the hospital.
Hospital! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I killed her. Did I kill her?
Listen to me. You need to calm down, OK? You didn’t kill her. She…
What? What did she…
…
…
Indie? Can you hear me?
Mmmm.
Good.
…
Good. OK. Let me think for a moment. There’s a lot to unpack here and I need to think. So just… don’t move.
…
All right. I think I know where to start. When you woke up this morning, Indie, what did you do?
I got Maggie from her bed.
OK. Then you made breakfast. But you were serving mimosas this morning. Do you remember that?
Mmm.
What did you put in the drinks, Indie?
Orange juice.
What else?
Champagne. That’s how you make a mimosa.
What else, Indie?
Nothing else.
That’s not true and you fucking know it! You drugged us! I know this because I just gave everyone a fucking dose of Narcan and suddenly we could all think again. What did you put in the drinks!?
I… nothing. I didn’t do it.
There was something else in there. I can tell. I still feel weird. Something that wasn’t an opioid. What was it?
…
Fuck. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Where’s Nathan? Wasn’t Nathan here?
Oh, my God. Indie… I need you to remember, sweetie. I really do. I need you to remember what just happened because I can’t. I really can’t. I don’t want to do this anymore. This is way above my paygrade. I’m not equipped. Someone else needs to—