“Have you considered the possibility that you, your men, and your kingdom could all fall into irreversible desolation if you don’t take this seriously?”
I’m feeling quite judged right now. Didn’t she just tell me yesterday that I’m the right fit for this job?
“Yes, I have. I’m not a heartless bitch.”
She steamrolls past my brewing anger. “Do you believe that you are deserving of this role and the powers bestowed upon you?”
My brain screeches to a halt and I consider the complexity of the question. I know I tend to be rash and emotional when angered but I’m also fiercely protective of those I love. Will I be able to calm down and rationalize decisions that need to be made as a ruler? Time will tell.
I shrug. “I think I can grow into the person who is deserving of both.”
As she mulls over my answer, I sit up straight and wait for more of her invasive questions. What a fucking blast this is.
Suddenly, she leans forward and grasps one of my hands in hers, looking at me like she’s confused. “Have you had a traumatic event happen in this life that makes you feel unworthy? I know your previous one did but I think there’s more to your power block than that. This is the only question you’ve hesitated to answer and we need to dive deeper.”
No fucking way am I about to spill my deepest, darkest secrets of being molested or seeing the woman I considered my mother die before my very eyes. Not to the woman who cut me off the second I accidentally inquired about her dead mate the night before. I have no intention of divulging to someone who can’t do the same without throwing a fit.
She’s taking way too much pleasure in her stunt this morning for me to believe it was purely with the intention of trying to shock my powers into responding.
Not today, Witch Bitch.
Choosing my words carefully, I extract my hand from her grasp. “I’d assume most people have experienced a traumatic event in their lives by my age. The earth realm is starting to fall into shambles, if you haven’t noticed.”
Her erratic mood swings—from being a bitch to acting like we could be friends—are giving me whiplash and I’m not going to entertain this ploy of hers.
She falls into silence as she considers me. Ignoring those unnerving eyes of hers, I look around the room, wondering how my men are doing with their training. They made so much progress yesterday that I’m sure they’ll leave me even further in the dust today. It’s a sobering thought because we keep getting told I need to hurry and figure this shit out. Time is running out.
She sighs and hangs her head. When she looks back up at me, it’s with a determined glint in her eyes. “I know it’s a lot to ask you these questions, since we haven’t yet developed the trust required to be open between us. However, if you want to take this training seriously, I’m going to need you to put a little faith in the fact that Gaia chose me as your trainer for a reason. I feel like we can truly make progress today, if you allow yourself to open up to me.”
Can we?
I’m already struggling with the thought of being behind the men on using our powers and now the added guilt trip of her suggesting I’m not trusting Gaia—she’s pushing me into a more vulnerable mindset. I can’t fail because of my pride.
Groaning, I give in. “Fine.” I look into her eyes for a moment before dropping my gaze to the ground. I twiddle with my fingers nervously, trying to find the words to tell her everything that needs to be said. As I begin recounting my memories of being sexually assaulted by Rafael and how it haunts my dreams to this day, sorrow twists her face but she doesn’t say a word. She sits quietly and listens without interrupting, allowing me to take the time I need.
When I move onto finding Beth in Hale’s lap, dying and drowning, I break down mentally. I can’t bear to say it out loud but I know the words need to come.
I miss you, Beth. I promise I’m trying to make you proud.
Salty tears track down my face and I don’t bother wiping them because there’s no way I can keep up with them. “Her soul had called out as her family passed into the afterlife. Beth had a connection to nature and, in turn, to Gaia, who felt her soul and saved her to be our foster mother.” I lift my head to look at Serenity through my blurry, tear-filled eyes. “My soul has felt tainted ever since the molestation. I feel as if I’m damaged goods and not deserving of all Gaia has done for me.” I don’t mention how Gaia also sacrificed a piece of herself to give me another chance at life. “How am I supposed to evolve into some Super-Fae who saves the realm when I constantly question why I was chosen? What do I bring to the table besides immature outbursts and sarcasm?”
Fuck, I hadn’t even realized I doubted myself so much. I guess that’s therapy for ya.
I don’t want Serenity’s pity or advice because I know these are issues I need to work through myself. However, I can’t deny that giving voice to my doubts and fears has lifted a weight off of me.
Much to my relief, she doesn’t try to dwell on everything that I’ve shared.
She looks hesitant to speak but takes a deep breath and goes ahead. “I have to admit something to you. This is tough for me to speak of but I owe you an explanation for my behavior since meeting you.”
I scrunch up my face and hedge, “Okay…”
I have a bad feeling about this.
“Your parents from your previous life and my parents had been friends, visiting each other’s realms often. They had an alliance between them and felt a kinship, knowing their daughters would be raised to be queens with the gifts of a Goddess bestowed on them.
“From the various trips to your realm, I saw you grow from a child into the queen you became in your past life. We had never been close because I honestly saw you as a bratty, naïve, spoiled little girl who refused to grow up.”
That explains her attitude towards me in this life.
Pausing in her speech, she stares intently into my eyes before looking away. “They died in your battle. The battle that occurred forty years ago claimed both my parents and Reese’s life. It was the same battle in which you and your men passed away. Reese had been a part of my parent’s royal guard and had accompanied them to your realm.”
My mind blanks as I stare open-mouthed at her, not knowing what to say.
Bitterness bleeds into her voice. “Your naivety in your previous life led to the destruction of all those you loved and those I loved as well. You were not powerful enough to take on the darkness but claimed to be ready for war. I see similar traits in you now and it disgusts me to think of history repeating itself. I cannot lose anyone else.”
Tears prick my eyes as I sit in frozen shock as she continues in a rush, “This is all that Gaia has allowed me to share with you. I cannot divulge anything else. You must piece together the rest when you get to your realm and your memories are returned.”
I was responsible for my mates’ deaths? For her mate and parents’ deaths?
Suddenly, her instant dislike of me makes perfect sense. I can’t even blame her. Of course she’d hate me if that’s what I was responsible for in my past life. She has every right. If it had been me, I would have done far worse than just sass the person responsible for my family’s death. And doesn’t that say something?