I scrubbed my face with my hands and threw off my blankets. With huge amounts of practice at not thinking about hard things, I kept my mind blank as I shuffled into the bathroom to shower.
It had been three days since I’d seen Sadie.
Three days since I’d kissed her.
Three days since I’d broken my promise to Adam to protect her no matter what.
I was pretty sure kissing her in her kitchen until she was breathless and flushed was not fulfilling my responsibility to my best friend.
It was acting in accordance to what I wanted, and that wasn’t going to fly. I wasn’t going to drag Sadie down like I seemed to do when anyone was entrusted to my care. People around me got hurt.
Period.
There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If I was going to keep Sadie secure, that meant I needed to keep her safe from me too. I wasn’t half the man who had gone into the service. Sure, I functioned in society and I went after bad guys, but somewhere in everything that had happened, I’d lost a part of me, and I wasn’t sure it would ever come back. I needed to step away. To watch her from a distance like I had before. Interjecting myself into her life only allowed emotion to take over and dictate my actions. I should have known her pull was too strong for me to avoid.
I flipped the shower off and wrapped a towel around my waist. After I dressed in my uniform, I headed downstairs to heat up a frozen breakfast burrito and start my coffee machine.
Once the microwave dinged, I gathered up my breakfast and stood at the window, staring out at the sunrise. Light purples, oranges, and yellows streaked across the sky as the sun peeked over the horizon.
I hurriedly ate my burrito—breathing through the scorching parts—and then dumped my coffee into an insulated cup. I’d drink it on the way. I grabbed my wallet and keys and pulled open the back door only to yelp at the sight in front of me.
Sadie was standing there with disheveled hair and silk pajamas. Her brows furrowed as she met my gaze.
Realizing that I was cornered with nowhere to go, I studied her as I stepped past, shutting the door behind me. I cleared my throat, took a sip of my coffee, and then faced her.
I needed a moment to gather my courage to face the storm that I could see was brewing inside of her gaze.
“Everything okay?” I asked as pain filled my chest. I knew it was a ridiculous question. One look at her, and I knew the answer. She had dark circles under her eyes and a crease between her brows.
Everything was not okay.
Sadie scoffed and threw her hands up in the air. She turned away from me and took a deep breath, her bare feet making swishing sounds against the concrete. “Why are you avoiding me?”
I could hear the emotion in her voice. I could see the defeat in her shoulders. I wanted to stop the pain that I’d inflicted. And I knew the only way to do that was to walk away. Help her move on and find her own happiness, sans me.
I sighed as I fiddled with my keys. If I stayed here any longer, I was going to lose my resolve to stay away from her. Every part of her called out to me, and it was all I could do not to wrap her up in my arms and never let her go.
I took a step back as that thought coursed through my mind.
“I just don’t think that this is a road we should walk down. It’s never going to work,” I said quietly, unable to meet her gaze.
She pinched her lips together as she stared at me. “It’s not?” she asked after a few seconds of unbearable silence.
I shook my head. “It’s better for us to walk away now instead of later.” I shrugged.
She studied me and then sighed. “Goodbye, Mason,” she said as she started off across the backyard to the stairs that lead up to her apartment.
I watched her walk away, wanting desperately to call after her but unable to form the words. I wanted her to stop. I wanted her to be mine so bad my entire body ached with the effort of holding back. But I couldn't do that. I wasn’t going to play with her emotions like that.
If I loved Sadie, I would let her leave.
It was the least I could do for my friend, and it asked more of me than I had to give.
I made it to the county office and brushed through the door. I hadn’t even had time to set down my insulated cup before Sheriff Potts was breathing down my neck. “My office, now, McKnight.”
I squared my shoulders. A habit from basic training. You didn’t show weakness, not in front of your commanding officer. I marched into his office, shut the door smartly behind me, and stood at ease in front of his desk. He whipped his computer screen around. “Care to explain this?”
I glanced down from staring at the diploma mounted on the wall behind his desk to see a video playing on his screen. It was of me and Camden. Crap. “I’d rather not.”
He blinked once then twice. “That’s not an option.”
“It was self-defense. He threw the first punch.” I absently touched the inside of my mouth with my tongue, the cut was almost healed.
“It doesn’t look that way.”
I drew in air—I needed it to cool down. “The video started late.” I hated that it sounded like I was making excuses. I guess maybe I was. “It was a lapse in judgment, sir. It won’t happen again.”
“Sit down.” He pointed to the chair next to me before hooking his own chair with his foot and dragging it underneath him. “I interviewed Holly. She said you were—in her words—scary.”
I dropped my eyes shut. “I’m sorry about that.” I was. I didn’t mean to frighten her. “I’ve decided not to pursue her out of the office, so she doesn’t have to be afraid of me.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about.” He leaned forward in his seat. “If one punch can set you off like this, what will happen when you try to take someone into custody?”
“I’ve taken several people into custody without incident.”
“I checked. None of them have been violent.”
I gave him an insolent look. Yeah, there was a lot of attitude there, but he was blowing this up. “Look, it was a one-time thing. The guy was manhandling his date, and I had to step in.”
Potts nodded. “I get that, but this is…telling. I’m putting you on probation.”
“What?!” I was on my feet—another movement that had happened without me initiating it. My face was hot, and I would bet a hundred bucks it was beet red. I wanted to throw something against the wall, and my hand wrapped around the stapler.
Potts hadn’t moved. He made eye contact, evaluating, calculating.
I slowly released the stapler and set it softly on the desk.
“You’re in-office only. No calls. No backup. Don’t even pull someone over.”
“How long?” I ground out.
“Until you figure yourself out. If you can’t, you’ll have to find another job.” He jerked his chin toward the door, dismissing me.
I fumed all the way back to my desk. One night. One lousy, stinking night had been the best night of my life and the worst.
I’d had Sadie in my arms and lost her.
And now my job was on the line.
I couldn’t help but feel like the more I tried to get control of my life, the more control slipped through my fingers.
Chapter 15