“Are you OK?” Jen said, rubbing my arm.
“There’s one more thing,” I said, and then I told her about the lightning man.
13
Everything was quiet when I returned to the bus, but not because it was empty. Marlow had gone, but The Changelings were all there, sitting in the booths just inside the door. I’d expected that it would be empty, thought everyone would have a whole lot to do while I was off gorging myself on American delicacies. Instead, I walked up the steps to feel their combined gaze on me.
“Hey,” said Animal, the driver, breaking the dense silence. “I’m off to get some shut eye.”
“Sleep well,” I said by way of a reflex.
They waited until the guy had walked down the steps and shut the door behind him, creating an airless little cocoon inside the bus. I jumped when I heard the sharp sound of a can being opened. Liam watched me over the rim of his beer as he took a long drink, those eyes taking everything in. My fingers were fidgeting with the zip of my jacket, my eyes darting around, trying to gauge the mood in the room. It was shit, that was about all I got.
I sighed and went to head back to the bedroom to grab some of my gear when Liam said, “You go down there, we’re coming with you. We’re locking the door and staying in there until it’s sorted out. I’ll cancel the show if I have to.”
I froze.
Johnno let out a long, ragged breath. “C’mere, Kira,” he said, then added, “Please,” when I didn’t respond automatically. His beautiful face was drawn and haggard, something that only seemed to be relieved when I came and sat next to him. He took my hand in his, and that same familiar-slash-unfamiliar feeling rushed through me. I felt like resting my chin on his shoulder and talking that usual sweet nonsense I’d seen people in love do—not really saying anything, just talking to hear the sound of each other’s voices. But he was a stranger.
A stranger whose dick I’d had inside me. Something twisted down low when I remembered what that’d been like, what it could be like if I did exactly what Liam said. He wanted to talk, but I was pretty sure I could curtail that by shucking off these clothes. The fact that I could taunt men like these, cause them to lose track of what they wanted just by showing them my naked body was probably the most bizarre realisation I’d had today.
Johnno’s head jerked towards me, his nostrils flaring. Evidently, thinking about orgies had me blooming again. He smiled slowly, cautiously, a flicker of hope lighting within his eyes as the rest of the guys leaned in hungrily.
What they’ve overlooked is that you need to find yourself in all of this.
Jen’s words echoed in my mind. I swallowed, preparing myself for what I was about to say.
“Look…” I started out OK, but my voice died in my throat. Jen might have been right, but I had no framework for this kind of conversation. “Johnno said…during a moment of passion, that we were all joined now?”
“Bound,” Liam said, crossing his arms. “Joined indicates that it could be broken. It can’t.”
“Which you intended all along. All of this.” I glanced down at Johnno’s hand, the twin feelings of comfort and being cornered, uncomfortable companions. “You’re right,” I said, glancing at my preceptor. “You’re not a good man.”
He hadn’t expected that. Surprise and pain flared in his eyes, but he didn’t let me go. None of them would, ever.
Jen had told me to find who I was now that I was fae, and she was right in ways she didn’t understand. Because human Kira would have been aghast at this heavy-handed, arrogant bullshit, would have stormed out of here in a self-righteous huff. Jake leaned forward, his eyes glittering, staring into mine, his mouth opening to say something, to plead his case, but Billy’s hand slapped down on his wrist, and the red-haired man’s eyes slid closed as those fingers bit down, his words forgotten and coming out as a huff of breath instead. I could feel it, that rush of pleasure at being confined, held exactly where you wanted to be and forced to take it, whatever it was. Their eyes sharpened, elbows were placed on the table, and they scented me like dogs.
“But I’m not sure if I’m good either. That’s what I want to find out. I’ve been dropped into my wildest wettest sexual fantasy. If I asked, every single one of you would cancel the show, take me down to the orgy bed and fuck me until I couldn’t come anymore, right?”
I was met by a chorus of groans, bodies shifting, hands going to groins to readjust what lurked there.
“That’s what you want the most, what all of this is about?” I said.
“Not all of it,” Billy said. “But it’s when we’re the strongest.”
“Don’t,” Lucas said.
“We’re just as trapped as you, butterfly,” he continued, ignoring his band mate. “But I’ll tell you this for free. Everyone is. By the circumstances they were born into, by their body, strengths, weaknesses, social and cultural forces. But ours?” His hand tightened harder around Jake’s wrist, which had the man moaning openly. He ran his other hand through the redhead’s hair for a moment before dropping it. “It’s beautiful and privileged. It’s hot and sexy. It’s wild and crazy, and flexible enough to encompass pretty much everything you could possibly want, once you work that out. You want us, we want you, and we’ll let you bring who you like into our little cocoon. Don’t go crying yourself a river because we saw you, saw into you. Subconscious Kira liked this just fine.”
“So why the bullshit before the party? If we’re bound, if we’re to be…together or whatever the fuck this is, why have me shoot you getting sucked off by groupies? Not exactly courting behaviour,” I said with a frown, the memory of the girl’s pupils blowing wide in my mind.
The others glanced at each other, readying a response, but Lucas just laughed. It was long and drawn out and dark in tone. He met my eyes when I turned to stare at him, his head shaking for a moment.
“They did it because it gets you off.”
“What?”
His words stung, jerking me back in my seat.
“You came on strong to the rest of them. Show me an orgy, Jake. Show me your pain, Liam. You’re a voyeur, Kira. You’re damn lucky you have that camera, because you’d be finding yourself in some trouble without it. We put on a performance, the kind of performance you wanted and needed, to get you to push past the cage that had been wrought around you. To finally transition. Breaking out of the cocoon hurts butterflies, so we pushed you.”
“Pushed too hard,” I said, remembering them stomping into that moment I’d had with Marlow.
He snorted at that.
“Bullshit.” Lightning crackled across his eyes. “You’re no different to Jakey there, wanting someone else to put you in the position you secretly crave, orchestrate things so you just happen to stumble into scenarios you can’t admit to yourself you want. At least he’s honest about it. You didn’t need to walk out of here and go for ‘girl time.’ You wanted what was happening in there as much as any of us.”
“And what is it that you want?” I said, my eyes narrowing down to slits.