Luciana
Trees flashed past, dirt and debris being kicked into the air around me as I run. I long to stop for a moment, to grab my water canister and take a large swig, but there’s no time for that. The emergency call had come in only ten minutes ago, and our response could mean the difference between life and death.
Somewhere further, I can hear the sounds of shouts, and the rising spoke over the tree tops tell me that there’s a fire in that direction. We’ll likely need to head that way, once the conflict is over, but, for now, I need to follow the trail my fellow doctors have left for us and save the lives I can do something about.
And pray that our camp was far enough away that we wouldn’t be in any danger.
“Up there,” my partner, Alice Lee pants out.
We toil up the hill, and I try not to think how heavy my emergency kit is as we scramble up over rocks and upturned soil. From the way grass and bushes have been uprooted, it’s clear that there was definitely some sort of conflict in that direction.
It shouldn’t surprise me. Here in Burkina Faso, where we’re currently stationed, there are conflicts everywhere.
As we reach the top of the hill, I hear the sounds of pained gasps and murmured consolation. Two people are on the ground; the dark-skinned man is unconscious and the woman, her clothes torn, is bleeding and crying.
Sitting beside them is another of my crew, Alex Ponds, his voice soothing as he speaks quietly to the hysterical woman, who is saying something in another language. As we get closer, I can hear her speaking frantically in Bissa, and I know enough to pick up that she is worried about her companion and that she’s in pain.
Alex looks up at our approach.
“Oh good, you’re here,” he said. “We need to provide emergency field treatment and then get these guys back to the hospital. The man has taken a hard hit to the head and is unresponsive, and his heart rate is sluggish. The woman is panicked, and I fear she’s going into shock. Her main wound is to her arm.”
As he spoke, Alice and I were already unpacking the things we would need, more than prepared. The woman quietened as we worked on the two of them quickly; starting to calm as Alex directed his attention back to her. The wound on her shoulder was deep and would require stitches but, for now, we can bind it so that she can move around safely.
The man was more of a concern. We would need to transport him, and there was no way to do that safely out here. Leaving the woman to Alice, I turned to look at him.
And was hit with a dizzying wave of déjà vu.
I knew, in coming out to Burkina Faso, that I would have to deal with the memories of David, my boyfriend. The two of us had entered Doctors Without Borders five years ago, and we had grown close right from the start. Seven months ago, he went missing here in this region while I was on a mission to help a flood affected area in Japan. There has been no sign of him, and many of our colleagues have taken him for dead.
But not me. He has to be out there. Somewhere.
“Luciana?”
The sound of Alex’s voice brings me back to the present and I look around to see him staring up at me, his face twisting in concern.
“Are you alright?” he asks in a low voice.
I open my mouth to reply, but a flash in the trees catches my attention. A light brown, the exact same color of David’s favorite jacket.
“Sorry, I have to go,” I say, and dash before either Alex or Alice can reply.
In the back of my mind, I know I’ll be in trouble for this. I’m abandoning my mission, and leaving my colleagues behind. But all that has flown from my mind. None of it matters.
David matters.
My heart in my throat, I push through the bush, following the rustle of leaves. If I was in my right mind, I would probably have wondered why David appears to be running from me. But I’ve spent so long looking for some sign of David being alive that all rationality has flown out the window.
I just need to know that he’s okay.
I burst into a clearing. The sound of wooded life is all around me and, nearby, I can hear a bubbling stream. Across the clearing, a gazelle leaps away from me, sending me a frightened look, and disappears into the bush on the other side.
A gazelle. I was following a gazelle.
A short burst of hysterical laughter escapes me. I’ve really done it this time. My superiors have been worried about me for weeks, urging me to take some time off, but I’ve refused. Maybe I should have listened. Then I wouldn’t be chasing gazelles through the warzone of Burkina Faso.
I run a hand down my face. Time to go back and face the music.
Alex and Alice are two of my closest friends here. But there was no way, upon their return to camp, that they could hide my abandonment, especially since I had left them alone with two injured locals. As I return, everyone looks toward me. I can see a range of pity and irritation on several faces, and I know I deserve it.
David’s loss hit me hard. But I thought I could function through it.
Obviously, I thought wrong.
“Martinez.”
I straighten unconsciously and look toward the stern woman that’s approaching me. Her eyes are narrowed on my face. I normally get along very well with Yasmin Lopez, the senior supervisor for our area, but I doubt she wants to see me for a chat this time.
“Come with me,” she said shortly.
Damn. The two of us disappear into her office, a tent that was set up nearby so she could keep track of everything that happens here until we’re extracted.
“Why, Martinez,” Lopez asked the moment the flap is down. “Surely you remember what you were told last month?”
I wince at the reminder of defying a direct order in order to comb through reports on David’s incident, getting a very stern warning from senior managers.
“Luciana, I had to report this,” Lopez says tiredly.
“I know,” I say; I’d expected nothing less.
“And action has been taken,” Lopez continues. She lifts her chin and I know, in this moment, that she’s talking to me as my supervisor, not my friend. “You’ve been suspended. You need to take some time off, and now you’re being forced to. We’ll review your circumstances in a month to ensure that you are not going to put yourself and your entire team at risk.”
My mouth drops open.
“What?” I exclaim. “Lopez, can’t you…”
“I can’t,” Lopez says, holding up a hand. “The decision has been made.” Then her face softened. “Take the time, Luciana. You’ll feel better for it. You’re one of our best doctors, and your expertise in toxicology makes you invaluable. But we can’t have you getting yourself killed because you’re not thinking straight.
She’s right. Deep down, I know it, even if I don’t want to admit it. But I also know that it will be futile to argue. The decision had been made in my absence before I could be present to defend myself and hopefully score another chance.
“Why don’t you go home?” Lopez suggests. “It’s summer in Brazil, surely it will be lovely at this time of year.”
I’m sure it would be. But there’s a reason I don’t go home much. There is nothing there for me, not since David went missing.
“I’ll leave you to think about it,” Lopez says with a sigh. “Also, this arrived for you today.”