‘And of course, a big round of applause for our six brave contestants. Selfish Jackie! Distant Gemma! Bitter Kathy! Desperate Amy! Boring Hattie! And last but not least, Easy Lauren! Welcome on board this life-changing journey to better yourselves! After the ad break, we’ll be taking a tour of the house and showing you what our girls have in store for the next four weeks.’
It’s getting hard to hear Adam over the cheers. He takes a few steps closer to the camera until his face fills the screen, as if he’s talking to just them.
‘Aren’t you girls lucky?’ he whispers, and winks.
Seven
@jaydenrom Jackie – 4. Amy – 7. Hattie – 3. Gemma – 10. Lauren – 6. Kathy – 2. #theshelf
@beckyblack_12 See y’all in 4 weeks. #theshelf is LIFE! #bestnewshow
@bigbennoj What a bunch of whingers. No thanks #Iwouldnt #theshelf
@yourmatemike I’ll grab a Gemma and Amy sandwich to go please #theshelf
The comments feed cuts off and Adam’s back on screen, standing in front of what looks like a model of the house.
‘Welcome back to The Shelf, everybody! Now, in front of me is a model replica of house. You’ve got the Chat Room, where housemates can reveal all their secrets and feelings, and secret feelings …’
He pauses as the audience cry ‘Ooooohh!’
‘… Then you have the fancy AF dining room, with more than enough chairs for our contestants to eat, drink and dance on top of into the wee hours.’
Adam starts vossi-bopping. At least, that’s what Amy thinks he’s trying to do. The audience crack up and a few stand up to join him. It’s a cringeworthy few seconds that Amy hopes she’ll never have to witness again. He stops abruptly and points his finger back to the model.
‘In the corner we have the Therapy Room, where our celebrity therapist will be guiding our girls through their spiritual, emotional and physical journey of relationship enlightenment. Now let’s move on to the kitchen, my favourite room in the house. This giant fridge will have a regular supply of all the essentials and, my favourite feature of all, this prosecco tap!’ He gawks at the lens as he gestures towards a feature in the corner of the kitchen that Amy thought was just decorative.
‘The fridge will also be packed full of healthy stuff to make sure our girls get their five-a-day. We wouldn’t want them piling on the pounds while they’re in there, would we now?’ He wags his finger at the lens. ‘And to make sure that doesn’t happen, here’s our state-of-the-art gym! Notice that it’s right next to the kitchen. Perhaps it’ll make them think twice when they open that fridge door!’
‘Twat,’ says Jackie.
‘Mostly the girls will make their meals themselves. But they’ll deserve nights off, too. So they can also win takeaways on some of our special challenges, in partnership with our friends at Foodfix. But they’ll only get special treats if they’ve been very good girls!’ He laughs and points his finger at the camera again. ‘And ladies, Hattie, if you do have any dietary requirements, I’m sure we can accommodate.’
Hattie looks at the others and shrugs.
‘Why the fook did I agree to this?’ says Lauren under her breath.
‘Let’s move on to the garden!’ shouts Adam, before anyone has time to answer.
‘Feast your eyes on our cosy après-ski chalet and sizzling Tiki bar, where things could get seriously heated in due course. And if they do, then a dip in the long pool will be just what the doctor ordered! And girls, a stern reminder that you’re under surveillance out here, courtesy of the all-seeing eyes of our trusty Gnome Patrol!’
The camera zooms in and out on replica gnomes on the table, before Adam grabs one and throws it into the audience. A group of them scramble to fetch it.
Gemma shakes her shoulders. ‘Those gnomes are well creepy, the way their eyes follow you around.’
‘Their eyes are camera lenses,’ Amy replies.
‘Fuck’s sake,’ Gemma whispers.
‘Let’s head into the living room!’ shouts Adam, moving around the table. ‘Now, there are a few things you should know about this living room. One, there’s a giant television. They’re gonna be living a life of luxury, I tell you. But we aren’t here to watch them just Netflix and chill. This TV is for the girls to watch my ugly mug chat with guests on our live shows, and of course introduce our challenges. But it also has another very special purpose.’
He walks up to the camera and mists up the glass with his breath.
‘Ew,’ says Amy. ‘I don’t remember him being this irritating on Celebrity Thumb Wars.’
‘The TV will also run a live commentary feed called The Wall. The Wall will keep our girls updated on what the world thinks of them, twenty-four-seven! So, you’d better behave in there, ladies!’
Text runs along the bottom of the screen, giving details of how to comment and what to hashtag.
Amy dreads what they’ll target. Her nostrils? Her eyebrows? Eyebrow, if she gets lazy. How normal and boring she is? All of the above? She makes an unlikely promise to herself that she won’t look at any more comments unless she has to.
Adam beckons the camera with his fingers into the model bedroom and bathroom, and describes how there are eight single beds and a bathroom, which has no cameras or mics. The crowd boo.
‘Why do you want to watch us take a shit? Sickos,’ says Gemma.
‘Why are there eight beds when there are only …’ Hattie nods her head around the group. ‘Six of us?’
‘Probably thought they’d get two more to stay,’ says Jackie, with a shrug.
‘What? You mean someone refused to take part?’ Lauren replies. ‘Shockin’.’
‘And now for the important part,’ Adam continues. ‘What the girls can do to win this freakin’ thing and be crowned The Keeper for the first time in history!’
The crowd cheer as he moves over to a screen, which lists a set of instructions for the next four weeks.
‘Hush up and listen closely, peeps. First, our housemates will have regular sessions with our show therapist, who’ll help them identify their problem areas and create positive change to steer them back on course. They’ll also undertake weekly challenges, where the public will rate them on their performance. The housemate with the highest rating wins the challenge and gets a prize for themselves or for the house. Finally, they have a few mystery dates lined up along the way. The public will rate them on their style, behaviour and charm – just a few of the things we’ll be watching out for.’ He grins. ‘Don’t go away – we’ll be back right after this ad break.’
The screen pauses on a close-up of the instructions.
How to Win The Shelf!
Embrace your therapy sessions for positive life changes!
Throw yourself into the challenges and learn how to love!
Welcome your mystery dates! You’ll be surprised what they’ll teach you!
Smile for the viewers! They have the power to keep you in!
‘Ladies,’ says Jackie quietly, as she gets up and stands in front of the TV. ‘We did choose to stay on here, so it’s not like we can complain about it now. But we could play the game a little differently to how they want us to. We could challenge every challenge, point out the blatant sexism and tell the audience how wrong this all is. They can’t stop us from doing that. They can’t fire us – otherwise they won’t have a show. But we’d have to be in it together.’