‘And if we don’t have any?’ asks Jackie rhetorically.
Lauren shrugs and continues. ‘“For the next few days, you are accountable for the health and well-being of your tiny tot. Inside your cots, you’ll find everything you need. Nappies, formula, wipes and blankets. The rules are simple. Set a routine that supports their physical and emotional needs. Sleeping, feeding, sicking, pooping and feeling loved”.’
‘But … they’re plastic.’ Hattie looks around at the others anxiously. ‘How do we know if we’re doing it right?’
‘“We’ll be watching and rating your response to this huge life responsibility”,’ Lauren continues. ‘“And finding out just how suited you are to the task”. Fookin’ hell. That last bit was me.’ She drops the piece of paper and picks up her baby by the back of the head. ‘Christ on a bike, why does mine look like Phil Mitchell?’
She starts to bounce him around. ‘All righ’, darlin’, I’ll ’ave a pint a’ larga an’ a packet a’ fags,’ she mimics in a sandpaper Cockney twang.
Amy’s chewing mindlessly on a piece of underdone jam toast, watching Ben snore in his cot.
‘Since when do babies snore?’ she asks the room.
A blob of jam falls from the toast and lands on his forehead. She quickly licks her thumb and wipes it off, checking up at the cameras and jumping at the sound of the tannoy overhead.
‘Contestants, please take a seat on the sofa. The show is about to start.’
A familiar theme tune sounds and they look at each other. Amy glances at the clock and inhales sharply.
‘Is that what I think it is?’ asks Gemma. ‘Are we about to be on …?’
‘Welcome back, viewers at home, and a very good morning to those of you who’ve just joined us!’ chirps Jenny Mackenzie, host of Real TV’s live audience Saturday-morning show, Put the Kettle On. ‘We have a very special segment in store for you this morning! Let’s give a big hand to the host of new hit show The Shelf, Adam Andrews!’
Adam’s on the sofa, looking twice as orange as yesterday.
The screen cuts to the living room, and Hattie is the only one who responds, with a half-hearted wave.
‘And, of course, to our contestants! Oh, Adam, they all look a bit shocked, don’t they? Are they all right?’ Jenny giggles, covering her mouth with her hand.
‘Well, Jenny, I would be too if I woke up to find a newborn baby in my living room!’ He laughs too hard and slaps her on the knee.
‘It’s only Day Three and The Shelf is already hitting the headlines – you must be delighted. Now, tell us a little more about this first challenge. What’s it called – Oh, Baby?’
Adam switches his face to serious mode. ‘Bang on, Jen. So, The Shelf is all about giving girls who are unlucky in love the chance to prove they can be long-term prospects – that they have what it takes to be a life partner. And one of the essential qualities to being a life partner is a willingness to self-sacrifice. Care for the physical and emotional needs of someone other than themselves. Nothing puts that to the test quite like motherhood, does it?’
‘Perhaps not. So, what do the girls have to do to win the challenge?’
‘To be honest, Jen, we just want them to be themselves. Look, most of them have zero experience with children. How they care for these babies will be a window into their characters. Some are born to handle motherhood, some aren’t. And knowing this will help them find the right match – and path – in the future.’
‘And someone who can help assess their characters is just behind the cameras, isn’t he?’ Jen comments, and cranes her neck.
‘That’s right!’ Adam waves furiously. ‘I’d like to introduce you to a man you’ll soon be seeing a lot of! He’s our resident therapist, a shoulder for the girls to cry on and recently published author of UK bestseller Are You in a Realationship? Dr Howard Hicks!’
‘Who?’ says Kathy.
‘Never heard of him,’ replies Amy. And it seems no one else has either. The audience’s claps are muted at best as a small, middle-aged, balding man with thin-framed round spectacles walks timidly onto the set, taking a cautious seat on the sofa and waving coyly at the crowd.
‘Dr Hicks, welcome to the show.’ Jen smiles. ‘It’s brilliant to have you here. Tell us, what’s that book of yours all about?’
Dr Hicks pushes his glasses up his nose and answers slowly. He looks uncomfortable in the spotlight.
‘Well, Jenny, firstly, thank you for having me here. Are You in a Realationship? is all about getting couples to consider how real their relationship is. Are you being truthful with each other? Is your relationship love or habit? Couples are meant to read it together. It will either end their relationship or make it stronger. Either way, the outcome is positive. It’s meant to encourage honesty while preventing hostility or blame.’
Dr Hicks stares at the audience and smiles as a lone cough sounds in the background.
Amy looks around, wondering if anyone else thinks the book sounds quite good. Jackie’s fixing a braid, Kathy’s staring into space despondently and Gemma’s flossing her front teeth with a strand of hair.
Just me, then.
‘Wow, that sounds like a bestseller to me, doesn’t it?’ Jenny nods at the audience, who take that as their instruction to cheer.
Dr Hicks turns pink and waves away the cheering.
‘So, tell me, Doc,’ continues Jenny, after hushing them down, ‘what will you be getting up to here on The Shelf?’
‘OK, Jenny,’ he shuffles forward on the sofa, ‘I think the concept of The Shelf is an extremely interesting one, and I’m going to be fascinated to see how the housemates develop during their time on the show. I think we’re going to see some very surprising results—’
‘Uh-mazing,’ interrupts Adam, sounding insincere.
‘I’ll be hosting regular therapy sessions, trying to understand why they’re on the show in the first place, hoping to guide them out of this predicament they find themselves in and helping them to be stronger candidates for long-term love in the future.’
‘And what about all that dirt you’ll dig up?’ Adam laughs, looking at the audience and winking. They snigger collectively.
‘Yes, well, that’s not quite my intention,’ Dr Hicks responds, pushing his glasses up on his nose again. ‘But I’m sure we’ll hear some interesting stories. Perhaps a few that we can all relate to as well.’
‘And tell me, Dr Hicks, do you have any predictions on how the contestants will cope with the motherhood challenge? How do you think our new mums will do in there?’ Jenny’s smiling so hard her eyes are almost closed.
He shakes his head. ‘Oh, I couldn’t possibly comment, Jenny, I haven’t spent any time with them.’
‘Go on, just take a guess, Doctor Howard!’ Adam squeals and Jenny nods furiously in agreement.
‘Please, I can’t, really – it would be deeply inaccurate and unfair.’
‘Spoilsport! Well, Jen, I can tell you that I’m guessing Kathy will cope best – obvs, been there, done that, got the saggy’ – he pauses for effect and looks sideways at a wide-eyed Jenny – ‘T-shirt.’