No more vomit-wiping, feeding, changing, reading, singing, worrying that she’s killing Ben or feeling like an idiot every time the public call her out for slipping up. Last night, without Ben, was blissful. She actually slept.
In the Oh, Baby! test, the most brutal comments have always come from real parents, who seem to spend their entire time watching and judging them. No matter what the housemates do, there’s always been someone who’s ‘frankly disgusted’ and delighted to tell them they’re doing it wrong. Like the comment yesterday morning.
@mamofchamps What fucking idiot would put a baby on a counter while she makes a cup of tea? #amy #theshelf
‘Great example to set for your kids! Hope you enjoy visiting them in prison when they’re older,’ Amy had shouted back.
Giving it back to @mamofchamps and now a mini-confrontation with Flick – Amy is never normally this bolshy, especially without the protection of online anonymity. Maybe Gemma, Jackie and Lauren are rubbing off on her. Whatever it is, she’s getting a kick out of it.
Being sucked into the world of competitive parenting is one of the few but real fears Amy has about babies. She was once exposed to the horrors of it through one of Jane’s coffee mornings, when she was duped into thinking it would be just the two of them. Having the twins there was enough of a downer, but it was made worse when they were joined by Jane’s entire NCT class, who formed a loud swarm that forced everyone else to leave. The entire two hours was a shouting match of one-ups about what Roo, Delilah and Zebedee had achieved in six months of being squeaking blobs. She remembers sitting there, being ignored and wondering why they weren’t more supportive of each other. You could see they were all struggling, from the exhaustion in their eyes and the fake smiles. No one wanted to admit they were finding it hard. That’s not what good parents do, is it?
One of her colleagues came into the office last year with a newborn, and Amy felt obliged to go over and start cooing. Her colleague wasn’t a Jane; she was honest. She told Amy that she hadn’t slept in two weeks, that she was bored and terrified she’d made a huge mistake. That parenthood was a massive let-down, and to hold off for as long as possible. Then she made Amy hold the baby while she went to talk to the others for a suspiciously long time. The baby was sick on both shoulders and left Amy with two shattered eardrums.
Amy looks over at Flick, who’s been staring out of the window despondently for the last few minutes.
‘You all right there?’ Amy asks.
‘I’m OK. I’m just sad I missed out on the baby challenge. The one thing I really wanted to do. You girls were so lucky to experience that.’
‘Don’t worry. Who knows, on here? They might make a comeback. Like a scene from a horror movie.’
‘I hope so. I’d love to see the look on Simon’s face. Me with my own baby.’
The rest of the housemates join them on the sofa. Everyone looks relieved, even those who took to motherhood like ducks to water.
The screen flickers on and the opening sequence starts.
WEEEEEEEEEH, WEEEEEEEEEH!
‘Good evening, Yummy Mummies! Bet you won’t miss that sound, will you?’ shouts Adam. He pops out from behind an audience member and runs down the aisle wearing a giant nappy, the audience in hysterics behind him.
‘He really is such a fookin’ tit,’ mutters Lauren as Adam hops onto his chair in front of the six cots.
‘What a first challenge, ladies and gents! We threw them straight into the dark depths of motherhood for four days, and for some mums, it was a piece of cake …’
Footage of Kathy shows her rocking Ruth to sleep to the sound of a lullaby, followed by aaaaahhs from the audience.
‘… for other mums, it was no picnic!’
Cue footage of Jackie putting Alice in the freezer to the theme tune from Psycho.
‘Here to tell us how the mums performed in their roles are celebrity paediatrician Dr Michael Macpherson and author of Mother Nature: The Modern-Day Guide to Traditional Parenting, Clarissa Fenton-Brown!’
The audience cheer as the two guests come on stage and peer into each cot with a mixture of adulation and disgust, before taking a seat on the stage sofa.
‘So, Dr Mike and Clarissa F-B, tell us what we’re desperate to know: who were the best and worst mothers you witnessed this week?’
‘For the worst, it was a close call between Jackie and Gemma,’ says Dr Mike through a thick white moustache. ‘Women are born with maternal instincts. It’s in their nature, no matter what they say.’
‘Not mine, Dr Shit Moustache!’ Jackie shouts at the screen.
‘But I have serious doubts about some women’s capabilities,’ he continues. ‘Jackie has to take the crown for the worst mother I’ve seen this week. Well, probably ever. Not only did she kill Alice and stuff her body in a freezer, but she also broke poor Sophie’s arm. Very distressing indeed.’ He shakes his head and his moustache vibrates.
‘I have to agree with Dr Mike, Adam,’ interjects Clarissa. ‘Appalling behaviour. And unfortunate for Hattie, who had been doing so well up until then. She’d nailed her routine.’
Hattie beams.
‘Well done, Hattie!’ shouts Gemma, slapping her on the back.
Jackie laughs. ‘Why can’t people get that it’s just a doll, for Christ’s sake!’
‘Come on, Jackie, this was never about them being dolls.’ Flick blinks her big eyes at a bewildered Jackie and turns back to the screen, slowly sipping her warm water infused with lemon juice. ‘It was much more important than that.’
‘What are our thoughts on the only experienced mother in the group – Kathy? Dr Mike?’
‘Ruth here is in rude health.’ He chuckles. ‘A perfect pulse, a radiant glow, no scratches that I can see. A beautiful bouncing baby. Well done to the mother. Top job.’
‘Kathy couldn’t have shown more patience and care with her baby. But I can’t give her full marks. Take a look at this, Adam.’ Clarissa points to the big screen.
The TV cuts to grainy footage of Kathy rocking Ruth to sleep. The camera zooms in to show Kathy wiping tears from her cheeks.
The housemates swivel their heads around to look at her, and Kathy brushes it off, shaking her head. ‘It was nothing, I was just tired. Weren’t we all?’
‘What do you mean, Clarrie?’ Adam says, holding the microphone next to her.
‘Babies are sponges, Adam. They absorb negative emotions, stress, psychological strain. Kathy shouldn’t have been crying so close to the baby. Mothers – if you feel the tears coming, hide yourselves away. Motherhood is a hard job, but it’s also your job. You accepted the role. It’s the most important responsibility you will ever have. What happened to the British stiff upper lip?’
‘And how did Amy take to the responsibility? Clarissa?’
‘Amy is a typical new mum. Clueless, but kind. Feeding him too much, putting him to sleep too much, no routine at all. It’s no wonder she was whining about being tired. Amy has the potential to be a good mum, but she needs to put a lot of legwork into learning what it takes before she does.’ Clarissa looks sternly at the camera.
‘Of course I’m clueless,’ Amy protests. ‘I’ve never looked after a baby in my life!’