Gemma opens the door to a chorus of excited greetings.
‘HIYA!!’
‘Hi, babes!’
‘Oh my God!’
‘Woo-hoo!’
A feverish troop rushes into the house, wearing make-up belts and dragging beauty cases behind them. Amy knows exactly who they are and starts grinning for the first time in ages.
‘Oh my God, this is mental!’ Gemma screams, jumping up and down like an excited puppy. She runs back to the guests and starts hugging them one by one. ‘I can’t believe it, you’re my absolute favourite!’
‘Oh, hi, ladies!’ says Katie Carroway, lead star and headmistress of Beauty School Squad, the TV show where cosmetology students compete to give makeovers to busy mums who’ve ‘lost their lustre’. She parts the frenzy to reveal herself to the cameras in an army-green military jacket, leather leggings and red ankle boots. Her signature silver bob shines under a matching red beret.
‘Now, let’s see what we have to work with here,’ Katie announces as she walks around the housemates, running her eyes all over them. She stops in front of Hattie and reaches up to her temples, brushing her fingers through her hair, shaking her head in disapproval.
‘Oh, no, this won’t do at all. None of this will do, ladies. You all need a lot of work. But you can stop fretting, because that’s why we’re here. As the official glam army on The Shelf!’
Her students start cheering as she walks up the stairs and addresses the room.
‘Ladies, ladies, ladies!’ She looks around and wags her finger in all directions. ‘Or should I say lazy, lazy, lazy! That’s what you are. I’m sick of women giving up after the big three-oh. Beauty is a long-term investment in yourself. In your confidence. In your love life, if you want one. But it’s also a commitment. When I look at you, I weep.’
Amy wants to burst out laughing when she sees Gemma looking comically insulted, with her mouth hanging open.
‘Do you know what I see?’ Katie continues. ‘I see women who’ve quit the race. I have to be cruel to be kind. I know that you’re all stunning beneath that orange skin’ – she looks at Gemma – ‘that insane hair’ – she looks at Hattie – ‘and those forehead ferrets’ – she turns to Amy, who frowns and strokes her eyebrows. ‘I mean, big eyebrows are in, darling, but they still need some shape.’
Amy feels crushed as she lifts her fingers to her brows to search for any loose strands. She imagines Jamie laughing at her on the other side of the screen and suddenly feels hot.
Jackie folds her arms across her chest and coughs loudly. ‘I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re quite happy with how we look, thanks very much.’
‘Um,’ says Gemma, ‘speak for yourself, Jacks, I want a makeover!’
‘Me too,’ mutters Hattie. ‘My hair is insane.’
‘I’m with you, Jacks. I don’t need a makeover,’ Lauren states matter-of-factly. ‘This is a face for radio, anyway.’
‘Jackie and Lauren,’ says Katie, ‘I make lots of women feel more fearless and more powerful every day. Make-up isn’t supposed to hide your natural beauty, it’s supposed to highlight it. I like to think I have the power to give any woman the spunk of a supermodel but in their own skin, and a boost of self-esteem to win those daily battles. Lauren, so your face isn’t on TV. But I bet your voice sounds better when you’re feeling sure of yourself. And Jackie, you were wearing red lipstick when you first arrived. Doesn’t it make you feel fierce?’
Jackie shrugs her shoulders. ‘A bit.’
‘Of course it does!’ Katie shouts. ‘Ladies, there’s no shame in wanting to be the best version of ourselves with a sweep of lipstick or the flick of a straightening iron. Now come on, soldiers, we’ve got a lot to teach you for tomorrow night.’
The group look at each other.
‘What’s happening tomorrow night?’ says Amy on behalf of them all.
Katie waves her army into the dining room to start setting up their stations. ‘Whoops, I’ve said too much! My lips are sealed.’
Katie has assigned one student per housemate, and the women are lined up in a row on dining room chairs. In front of them are mirrors on wheels that are covered in sheets. Amy hates salon mirrors, which is the main reason she only goes to the hairdresser twice a year. They make her look like a drowned rat, and when there’s nowhere else to look it’s two hours of torture. Perhaps she could suggest a sheet covering at her next appointment.
‘OK, ladies, we’re going to start by pointing out your problem areas. Brace yourselves for brutal honesty. My students will say exactly what they think of your current look, and I’ll judge them for their analysis. After that, we’ll start the reset process and beautify you with all the tools we have at our disposal. Shall we begin?’
First in the firing line is Jackie. Her student is a timid-looking little redhead with a shaky voice.
‘OK, Matthew. Tell me what Jackie needs,’ barks Katie.
‘Um, her braids have become tangled and they’re starting to split, which is making them look matte instead of shiny. She needs an oil-based gloss to bring back some shine, but I need to make sure none of it lands on her skin, which is oily. She has bumps all over her T-zone, so her skin looks uneven. I’m going to apply a tea-tree-based toner and use a water-based foundation during make-up.’
‘Excellent assessment!’ Katie cries, patting a relieved-looking Matthew on the back.
Katie marches on to Hattie.
‘Good God, Jarryd, what have we got here?’
Jarryd whispers something into Katie’s ear. She bends down afterwards.
‘Have you been cutting your own hair, Hattie?’ asks Katie, softly.
‘Yes.’ She stares at her lap. ‘I watched a YouTube video.’
Katie and Jarryd look at each other.
‘OK, Hattie, we’re going to show you what an amazing difference a professional cut makes to your confidence.’ Katie smiles. ‘Now, Jarryd, what else are you thinking?’
‘I’m going to give Hattie a short crop cut, Michelle Williams-style, and apply a frosted chocolate gloss to help lift her natural olive complexion. Her skin is a little grey at the moment. I’m going to fix it with an iridescent gold sheet mask, and find her a yellow-based foundation serum to transform her skin from dull and glum to a dewy glow.’
‘That sounds dreamy. Is that OK, Hattie?’ Katie squeezes her shoulder.
Hattie nods and gives a shy smile.
Katie continues along the line, practically bypassing Flick.
‘Darling, it looks like you had this done a few days ago. I’m not even sure I could get your hair as bouncy!’ she cries, tossing the hair around in her fingers.
‘I had it done professionally before I came on.’ Flick smiles as she strokes it. ‘And I blow-dry it every day at home.’
‘You can tell. Not a strand out of place!’ Katie admires her from the back. ‘Oh, to have the time for a morning blow-dry. I envy you! Now, what about your face?’
‘I don’t like wearing too much make-up, so just as natural as possible, please. No lipstick either. Or too much blush. Men don’t like kissing clowns.’ Flick laughs.