‘They can’t do that, Flick. Maybe you could make a statement saying you don’t support their views, and perhaps ask the producers if there’s anything you can do to stop them. Or Jackie might know – she’s a lawyer.’
‘Jackie hates me. Everyone does. If I’m not pissing you lot off, I’m pissing half the public off because they think I hate women.’ She sniffs. ‘I wish I’d never come on here – this was such a stupid idea. Simon and I were perfectly happy the way things were. Why did I have to go and rock the boat?’
‘Well, maybe wanting to rock the boat is a sign you weren’t as happy as you thought you were.’
Flick stares at the floor for a while.
‘Thanks for cleaning the bathroom.’ She smiles as she walks out, lifting her head up. ‘It looks great. I really appreciate it.’
There’s one hour left until the live eviction, and the housemates are dressed up and sitting in the dining room, glued to The Tracker.
Day 12
1. Gemma
2. Jackie
3. Flick
4. Amy
5. Lauren
6. Kathy
7. Hattie
‘Housemates, please make your way to the living room. The eviction will begin in fifteen minutes.’
Messages on The Wall are flying in so fast that it’s almost impossible to read them before they disappear off the bottom of the screen. Amy’s nerves start to swell. The middle isn’t the safe zone. She hates to think how Kathy and Hattie are feeling right now. Kathy, who has the chance to make it on her own for once. Who has nowhere to go because her husband and his girlfriend have taken over the house. And then there’s Hattie, who is desperate to reinvent herself and learn how to live without Dylan. Who’s become quietly dependent on the rest of the housemates for friendship, love and support. How is she going to cope on the outside, alone?
@larnimarni Kathy is too old for this show. Time to go #dontvotekathy #theshelf
@superwomanly Hattie is so unhealthy-looking. She shouldn’t be on TV #dontvotehattie #theshelf
@jkraze WTF was Gemma wearing last night? Slag! #dontvotegemma #theshelf
‘This is exciting,’ says Flick, sitting down on the far side of the sofa.
‘Flick,’ says Jackie, handing out a round of proseccos, ‘we’re saying goodbye to someone tonight. I know emotional intelligence doesn’t come naturally to you, but try to be a bit more sensitive, yeah?’
Flick catches Amy’s eye and looks down. Amy’s about to ask Jackie to steady on with the punches, but she’s interrupted.
‘Good evening, housemates!’ shouts Adam Andrews into the camera, as a make-up artist applies the final touches to his face. ‘It’s 7 p.m. and you know what that means …’
A siren screams and the camera pans out to reveal Adam in his dressing room. His hair is gelled back and he’s wearing a glitter tuxedo.
‘It’s The Shelf’s first ever live eviction!’ he bellows. The show’s theme tune starts pumping as he runs out of the changing room, with the cameraman running closely behind. In the studio corridors, he puts his hands up to high-five the runners who are standing back.
‘Oooh, there’s Sam!’ says Flick. ‘He told me I had a really good shot at winning.’
‘Same,’ says Jackie immediately.
Adam jumps off the stage and runs up the stairs through the audience, who are going berserk. The camera continues to follow him out the back door and into the studio car park, where he lifts his arms to greet thousands of people gathered outside.
‘Fuck me,’ mutters Jackie.
Amy can’t believe what she’s seeing. How did this show, a show no one had ever heard of two weeks ago, manage to get so many fans so fast? She sweeps the living room and sees that everyone else is in shock, too. The placards reflect the mixed sentiments. And some make more sense than others.
WHAT THE FLICK?
KATHY THE COUGAR!
HATTIE’S GONNA HATE!
Amy isn’t sure what the last one meant and, by the puzzled look on Hattie’s face, she isn’t either.
‘Welcome again, everyone, to our first live eviction!’ Adam screams as fireworks start crackling across the sky. They’re audible from the TV and the garden, which doubles the volume and Amy’s heart rate.
‘Well, lads,’ shouts Lauren at the group. ‘This is really fookin’ happening, isn’t it? We’ll be all right,’ she says, patting Hattie on the shoulder.
Amy presses her fingers to her ears as she watches Adam kick a sign next to him saying ADAM’S A PLANK, then run back into the studio and down the aisle. He jumps onto his chair in front of three guests sitting opposite him on the sofa.
‘Tonight is the night we’ve all been waiting for,’ he says to the camera. ‘The first night we give one of the housemates the old heave-ho. With me tonight is a group of our biggest celebrity fans, who are here to place their bets on who’ll be the first housemate to face the boot.’ He kicks his leg in the air.
The camera pans over to the first guest, Archie Martucci, a former presenter on Rags to Riches, a reality show where contestants had to live on the street for a month to win a cash prize. The show had been cancelled last year when one of the contestants went AWOL. Archie gives a thumbs up to the camera.
‘Did they ever find that bloke who went missing?’ asks Jackie.
The housemates shrug.
The next celebrity guest is Sonia Cole, who blows a kiss to the audience. She’s a former Page Three girl turned PR machine who released a tell-all book last year about her numerous affairs with Members of Parliament.
‘Ugh, I can’t stand her,’ mutters Flick. ‘Such trash.’
The final guest is a familiar face. It’s Katie Carroway from Beauty School Squad, who’s dyed her hair bright blue for the occasion.
‘OK, celebrities, I’m going to ask each one of you who you think is heading off tonight, and why. Archie, go!’
‘Well, Adam,’ Archie says in a slow and nasal monotone, ‘it’s got to be Hattie. Who else can it be? She’s been at rock bottom since the show began. Hippo just isn’t a hit with the viewers. Sad, really. I don’t mind her.’
Lauren grabs Hattie’s hand and squeezes it. ‘He’s just a D-lister who’s desperate for airtime.’
‘He’s talking bollocks, Hattie, don’t believe it,’ adds Gemma.
Adam moves on. ‘How about you, Coley, what’s your prediction for tonight’s show?’
‘I wouldn’t be surprised if Amy got dropped,’ Sonia says in a gravelly voice. ‘And I wouldn’t care either.’
Amy’s heart sinks.
‘Ooh! Controversial! What makes you think that?’ asks Adam.
‘Because she’s drop-dead boring! The viewers want to watch a show, not a dead slug! Sorry, love, no hard feelings. I think you’re nice, but nice doesn’t win.’
Amy glances to The Tracker, terrified she’ll have dropped to bottom place. But she hasn’t dropped – weirdly, she’s moved up one place.
‘I have to disagree with Sonia,’ says Katie. ‘I think the fact that Amy isn’t getting involved in too many dramas makes her extremely likeable. What’s wrong with wanting someone normal on there?’