‘Come again, love?’ Lauren shouts from the sofa. ‘Maybe without the cheese sarnie in your chops.’
There’s a loud gulp.
‘There are people in the garden,’ Hattie repeats.
Amy and the others turn round on the sofas.
‘What’s going on in the garden?’ Gemma asks, breathless after a session on the treadmill that nobody else touches.
‘Is something happening?’ asks Flick, entering from the bedroom in a face mask.
They line up along the window. Jackie taps the glass, but the runners continue to scurry without looking up, putting down old-fashioned wooden desks and chairs.
‘It looks like they’re setting up a classroom,’ Amy comments.
‘Well, well, well, whatever will they teach us next?’ chirps Jackie, climbing over the back of the sofa and sliding down the other side. ‘I do hope it’s needlework. Knowing how to darn a pair of suit socks would really add to my repertoire.’
‘Housemates. Please take a seat on the sofa.’
‘Ugh, this tune will be the death of me!’ Lauren moans when the music begins.
The screen cuts to Adam in his set chair.
‘So, three months ago,’ he says, ‘we conducted a survey of sorts in partnership with LAD to seek out the answer to one of life’s biggest questions. What do men want?’ He strokes his chin. ‘Well, here to tell us the answers and teach you girls the secret to holding down a man are LAD mag editor Danny Wells and Dr Howard Hicks!’
A cocky-looking twenty-something with a pencil moustache runs on stage. He races ahead of Dr Hicks and fist-bumps Adam before bouncing onto the sofa, chewing gum as he waves at the camera. Dr Hicks joins them a few seconds later.
‘All right, mate, how are you?’ Adam asks, laughing.
‘Yeah, really good, mate, really good. Wicked to be here – this is the only show that matters to anyone right now, I can tell you. All right, ladies? How are you all doing in there? Lovely stuff.’ He smiles and winks before turning to Dr Hicks, fist-bumping him and then mic-dropping. The whole exchange causes much confusion and awkwardness on camera.
‘Ah, Danny’s quite cute, isn’t he?’ says Gemma, playing with her hair.
‘Raise your ’ands if you’re gutted our girls aren’t in school uniforms, eh! Who’s with me?’ Danny shouts up at the audience, his arm in the air.
Gemma drops the piece of hair she’s been playing with and buries her hands in her lap. ‘Oh my God, he’s not cute, he’s a creep!’
‘You can blame Doctor Howard for that,’ Adam replies. ‘Spoilsport! So, Danny, tell the girls what you’re going to be doing with them today.’
‘OK, ladies, Adam, I’ll go back to the start. Three months ago, we tweeted a really simple but profound message to our followers. It said …’ He pauses for effect and draws a line in the air. ‘“The problem with women is …” And we just left it blank. The results have been awesome, Adam – thousands of blanks filled in. Tell you what, Jay-Z needs to rewrite that track.’
‘“Ninety-nine problems and a bitch is most of them”?’
‘Ha! Exactly, Adam, exactly.’
Amy hates that song. Jamie used to sing it to her all the time, thinking it was hilarious to switch ‘a bitch ain’t one’ to ‘a bitch is one’ while pointing at her across the dance floor.
Dr Hicks chimes in.
‘We spent six weeks analysing the responses, categorising them and ranking them in order of priority based on their emotional weight. Some responses felt deeper than others. A shallow response would be: “The problem with women is that they expect you to pay”. A deep response would be: “The problem with women is that they expect you to provide”.’
‘Er, maybe twenty years ago, mate,’ Jackie shouts, ‘when we couldn’t get jobs that paid us enough to be free.’
Adam nods vigorously. ‘Fascinating. And how are you going to use that information to help our girls?’
‘It’s simple,’ Danny replies. ‘We’re going to teach them what to do – and what not to do – when you’re in a relationship with a man and you want it to last. It’s not a test. It’s not a challenge. Well, I suppose the challenge is staying quiet for longer than five minutes – am I right, lads? Ha, just kidding, girls!’
‘Well, I don’t know – what about our Gemma?’ Adam cracks up and Danny joins him, slapping his knees. Dr Hicks scowls at them both.
‘Oi!’ Gemma shouts and looks at the others.
‘Fuckwits,’ Jackie says, under her breath.
Outside, the desks are lined up in two rows, facing a projector that’s pointed at an outdoor cinema screen. Adam, Danny and Dr Hicks are on screen. Danny is kitted out in a fancy-dress teacher’s uniform of corduroys, a knitted vest and fake glasses. He looks exactly like Dr Hicks, who hasn’t dressed up.
‘Hello, ladies, and welcome to … Keep ’Em Keen!’ says Adam loudly. ‘The class that will clue you up on everything that’s in your power to do to make a man happy. Over the next hour, you’ll learn what our pet peeves are. How to avoid henpecking, and how to boost your sex drive to stop us walking away with the life you’re dreaming of. Goodbye wedding bells, and so long to the pitter-patter of tiny feet. Hello to a future of cats, takeaways and TV.’
‘Sounds quite good,’ says Hattie, quietly.
Amy looks around at the housemates. They’re all staring at him in silent disbelief. She wants to burst out laughing when she sees that Gemma’s giving a death stare and Lauren has her eyes shut. Meanwhile, Jackie’s furiously scribbling a long list on a piece of paper in front of her. When Amy looks closer, she sees the title is ‘The problem with men is …’
‘We went through all the responses with a fine-tooth comb and managed to sort them into some clear categories,’ Dr Hicks takes over. ‘Those categories include appearance, behaviour, sex, communication, attitude and emotional stability. These are the key problem areas for thousands of men who are or have been in relationships with women. What we’re going to do now is go through each category, explain the problem and reveal some of the real responses we’ve received.’
Danny jumps in. ‘Girls, this class is semi-interactive. We might ask some questions along the way. But what we’d really rather you do is stay quiet, listen and take notes on what we tell you. Don’t just interrupt. If you need us to explain it a little more, just raise your hand. Do you understand?’
‘Yeah, I think a dog would understand,’ says Jackie, loudly.
‘OK, we’re good to go. Our first category is appearance,’ Adam says as he clicks and a beautiful woman is displayed on the screen. Amy looks at Flick and wonders if she sees the resemblance, too.
Rule #1: Don’t let yourself go
‘This is Kelly. She’s a computer-generated image of a perfect woman, created by us according to men’s tastes from the data we’ve gathered. We’re always asking men what their preferences are, and Kelly is all their answers in one perfect female form. Now, we aren’t saying that you should look like this.’