"I'll just say this and then I won't bring it up again. In a few months, all of this will be over and behind us." I reminded him softly, my voice cracking. "I'll have to walk away from gymnastics and never look back. You have no idea what that realization does to me. Gymnastics is what makes me feel alive and happy, because even though I tell everyone I'm okay, I'm really not. I haven’t been for a while now unless I'm practicing. In a couple of months, the only thing I'll have to look forward to are endless doctor appointments and a brew of pills and tests. Please," I begged, "let me just have this one thing."
A quiet gush of emotion escaped my lips. I couldn't wipe away the tears fast enough. My lips were trembling and swollen. I drew in a lungful of air and hoped he saw I was bearing my soul to him.
I hadn't lied, but I did get a bit more dramatic than I probably needed to. Though, I didn't feel bad this time. Everything I said was spoken from my raw heart and needed to be said.
"I know I've lost your trust. I know you don't believe a thing I say, but please consider dropping the charges so Kova can come back. Don't make me walk into a police station and do it. Kova has to finish this with me. Not as anything other than my coach, I swear. If you never believe anything I say again, just believe that. I need him by my side to get me through it. He is the only one who can help me."
"I'm sorry, Adrianna, but this time I can't give you what you want." Dad hung up.
I sat there in a daze. Dad hadn't shown an ounce of compassion even though I brought up his lies. I opened myself up and proved I didn't have any ulterior motives. It got me nowhere. I wished he could see it was more than just childish lust, and that Kova and I actually worked well together when it came to the sport. Kova understood my fears and turned them into positives. He saw me as a person and helped me overcome my internal battles while standing by my side. I needed him now more than ever. Two people like us didn't find each other by accident. Kova was my other half. No one in this world could ever replace even an ounce of him.
I let my phone slide to the couch. Tears leaked down my cheeks and dripped on to my arm. I used my shirt to wipe them away only for fresh ones to bloom right after. I had a horrible feeling I was never going to see Kova again, at least not any time soon.
A sob burst from my lips like a dam breaking free. I cried, and cried, and cried, letting it all out in the loneliness of my condo.
I cried for what Kova was going through.
I cried for our unborn child that was taken away from us with no choice.
I cried for Dad and what I was putting him through.
I wished I could reverse time for a split second so I could rectify this. So many "if only" moments went through my mind.
If only Kova had been wearing a shirt.
If only I hadn't answered the door.
If only I hadn't fallen in love with my coach.
If only…
I yawned. I was so, so tired.
Grabbing the closest throw pillow, I hugged it to my chest and leaned down to curl up on my side. My heart was raw for the taking and I missed Kova so much. I longed to feel his arms around me and tell me it was going to be okay. My emotions were inflicting such destruction on me that I was physically sick from them.
I didn't know how I was going to recover from this—the miscarriage and arrest—or if I ever would. I needed the comfort of someone, anyone with empathy, but I wanted it only from Kova.
My stomach warmed with cramps and a new wave of lightheadedness took over. I curled up tighter, holding myself as I cried alone for the loss of so much more than just my heart.
My eyes fluttered closed as I began to doze off, sinking into a deep, dark hole. I moved my hand to my stomach and held myself where the life we’d created used to be. That was the last thing we had together, and it was gone now…just like he was.
Fourteen
"I feel like I haven't seen you in years," Hayden said as he sidled up to me. Practice was over and I just stepped out of the locker room.
He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and tugged me to him, giving me a friendly little kiss on the top of my head. I leaned into him, soaking him up with half a smile. I didn't have it in me to fake it today.
Bittersweet dreams had kept me suspended ever since the conversation with my dad. Night after night, my mind had played the worst-case scenario. I’d dreamed I’d never see Kova again. I’d dreamed he regretted meeting me and our time together. I’d dreamt I wouldn't be called to stand as a gymnast for the United States women's gymnastics team.
There was nothing more or less I could do. Walking away wasn't an option, losing wasn't either. I'd have to compete without my rock so I could achieve my dream, even if it took every last breath from my body.
I would succeed.
If Kova couldn't do this with me, then I'd have to do it for him.
"It's been a minute," I said, giving Hayden an apologetic look. "Things are just a little hectic right now, you know. I barely have time to sleep." He knew how hard I’d been working in the gym and where my focus was.
"Tell me about it." He paused. "Do you think it's strange Kova hasn't been here?" Hayden eyed me, and I stood up a little straighter.
"Don’t look at me. I don’t know where he is. Maybe he has something personal going on with his wife."
"He was gone the same week you were, and now he’s missing the Trials."
I nodded, keeping my gaze forward. "I do think it’s odd, and I wonder why he hired a new coach. But I'm in the dark. Speaking of the new coach, how do you like training with him?"
Danilo was a good excuse to switch topics. I knew exactly where Hayden was headed with that conversation, and I wasn't in the mood to hear or see his disappointment.
"He's going to be a hard ass, probably more so than Kova. I'm kind of glad I'm leaving for college soon." He laughed lightly. "Nah, he's good. Seems angry all the time though."
I laughed. "Like Kova."
"No wonder they're friends," Hayden said. "I can't believe you're leaving for Trials tomorrow. I'm going to be watching and rooting for you, you know."
A sad smile formed on my lips. Tomorrow I'd be on a plane headed to California for a two-day competition that ended with the Olympic team selections on the final night. The upcoming meet would be the most taxing one in several ways but also a learning experience too.
"It's surreal, isn't it? This is what so many of us dream about, and I'm actually doing it," I said. "Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it."
"Only the stubborn survives."
I shrugged one shoulder. "I guess."
"How are you feeling otherwise?" he asked, gesturing to my arm. My fingers were a tad swollen and my arm wavered between light tingles and itching numbness.
Shaking my head, I grimaced. "Honestly, it hurts so bad that I just want to cut it off." I joked, and he laughed. "The last five days have tested me in every way possible. I'm kind of nervous about this weekend."
"I think you're going to surprise yourself and shock the gym world. You may be older than most of the girls, but they don't have the same passion. It's clear watching you compete. Your dedication shows. I'm placing bets on you. You're sturdy out there, someone they can rely on."