Goddammit. Ali hated to admit it, but Amy definitely had a point. She knew herself from Rants.ie that people usually just heard a few key words from any bit of goss. It’s how Shelly Devine’s leaked video a few weeks ago before the Glossies had gone from Woman Says Motherhood Is Hard to Woman Wanted to Harm Her Baby in about two minutes flat.
‘But the attention span thing worked for Shelly,’ Ali argued. ‘They forgot all about her in a matter of days.’
‘Well, that’s because elsewhere on the internet you were faking a pregnancy journey, Ali. To pull off the same deflection in this instance, we’d need Holistic Hazel herself to be caught at a BDSM party tit-feeding a guy on a dog leash who was not her husband.’
‘OK, OK, I know. You’re right,’ Ali conceded unhappily.
‘Right, next.’ She consulted the tablet. ‘Once you’re rehabilitated, it’s time to capitalise. You’ve now got one helluva compelling brand story and we wanna make the most of it. As soon as we reset your account to public, we’re potentially looking at a captivated audience of two hundred and eighty thousand. There’s no room for some half-baked fumbling rollout; everything needs to be choreographed to perfection. We need to get the apology done, then tease the new real baby reveal with a few #ExcitingNewsComing tidbits and then get some serious spon on the baby-reveal post. Leave that to me – this baby announcement post will get more eyes on it than Shelly’s, Hazel’s and Polly’s announcements put together. It’s unparalleled brand exposure and we’re going to make sure they pay. I’ll take care of that. There’ll be a few brands that won’t want to associate with us but don’t worry, most of them don’t have a shred of integrity. And when they see the figures on your stuff, they’ll be all over it.’
‘Won’t people think it’s kind of in poor taste?’ Ali twisted her hands together nervously. It was way different planning sponcon with a real baby involved, she realised. How do Polly, Hazel and Shelly do it? she wondered. How do they sleep at night and not worry about what they’ve signed their kids up to?
‘Well, yes.’ Amy snapped with a grin. ‘I certainly wouldn’t be advising any ordinary client to do such a thing but, Ali, you’re the baby-faker. This isn’t in poor taste; you’re in poor taste. They hate you anyway; you might as well get a little something out of it. This money’ll give you a bit of stability after the baby’s born. It’s up to you how long you run with it. Beyond the rollout phase, this is hard to predict. In a couple of months, numbers might’ve have plummeted after their initial morbid fascination. You’re car-crash Insta right now. They won’t be able to look away. But depending on the public mood, they’ll tire and drift off to some other bit of goss or, who knows, maybe they’ll stick around? I watched you over the last couple of months and you’ve got something. It wasn’t just the bogus baby journey and the Glossies WildCard nomination they were watching for. You’re compelling on camera. You’re a natural performer. Think about what you want out of this too, Ali.’
In bed that night, Ali looked over her old video posts as she deleted them at Amy’s instruction. She cringed at some but also found that others were actually pretty funny. She was definitely at her best when moaning about Sam or bitching about stuff – being herself basically. She combed the comments for clues as to why 68,000 people had watched this video of her talking about the etiquette of Netflix when you’re coupled up.
@ElleG: Oh my gawd yassssss! You’re so right Ali the absolute RAGE when he watches ahead in the series without me.
@YogaBae41: Ali on relationship ettiquette: ‘You both need a personal Netflix show each and a shared show.’ Best advice ever lol.
@SarahGreene: Pissed myself at your description of Sam finding out you’d already watched The Affair in secret!!!!! You guys are too cute.
Fuck’s sake, they seemed to just like me. And I was too stupid to realise, she moaned internally. And they liked me when I was just being me and not shiteing on about protein or matcha when I’ve never even touched the stuff.
She flicked over to @HolisticHazel, who was in a bath with dried lavender and other blooms protecting her modesty and practising some #selfparenting, according to the text in the corner of the video. Apparently, #selfcare was over. ‘For me, the self-care movement started with great ideals but it’s since been co-opted by the media and has become a shallow term for little more than a scented candle and a bubble bath.’
She’s not wrong, Ali thought. There was a time there when Ali was certain you could have posted a story of yourself shaving a cat, hashtagged it ‘self-care’ and everyone would have been totally fine with it.
‘Self-parenting is simply a way for us to show compassion for ourselves and place our needs as mothers ahead of the demands of our families,’ Hazel intoned calmly. ‘So just for a few minutes a day, beautiful mamas, practise mindful self-parenting and allow yourself the luxury of being a child again with @lavenderlovlies, who do a fantastic range of bathing accessories from dried bath petals to natural sponges. Use the offer code “Holistic Hazel” for five per cent off your first purchase and don’t forget to follow @lavenderlovlies. It means the world to me when you follow the accounts I shout out because that’s more of what we need: women lifting up our fellow women. #WomenSupportingWomen #selfparenting #HazelsWisdom.’
#WomenSupportingWomen was being done to death. Ali rolled her eyes. Let’s be real here, Hazel, it’s about you demonstrating your influence to brands. She clicked the ‘women supporting women’ hashtag and found herself idly browsing the various posts earnestly extolling the power of supporting each other. The cynical voice in her head was bitching intensely, No one’s supporting me. She thought of all the reams of hatred dropping into her inbox and DMs daily all coming from women. It’s such a goddamn sham. They only support you when you’re perfect and you think like them and act like them. And don’t fake pregnancies online… Okay, maybe they had a point.
Chapter 10
‘I wanna play Insta, Muma,’ Georgie whined. Shelly leaned across her mother’s kitchen table and unlocked the screen.
‘She just likes the puppy and cat filters,’ she explained to her mum.
‘So how was the appointment?’ Sandra’s face was full of concern.
It had been a few days since her scan at the Rotunda and her encounter with Ali, but she was only just catching up with her mum now.
‘Everything looks OK so far. They’re happy with the size, she looked pretty chill in there. I was jealous! Imagine a cosy little nine-month nap.’ Shelly sighed. ‘I’m definitely feeling way better all round, thank God. Nausea is completely gone, and I feel like that soul-crushing tiredness is lifting.’
‘You’re doing great, pet. It’s been a mad month but you’re getting back on track. How’s Dan?’ Sandra put the kettle on and rooted out the biscuits.
‘Well, he couldn’t make it to the appointment. He’s over in London for meetings this week.’ Shelly dropped her voice, conscious of Georgie hearing them talk about their marriage. They weren’t hiding things from her but, given that she was only just about to turn four, they figured they had a little more time before they would need to roll out a big explanation. ‘I think he’s started D-A-T-I-N-G. Already.’