‘I just loved my online life. I felt special online. People wanted to talk to me and be my friend. Whatever I wanted, I could make happen.’
Ali, to her surprise, found herself involuntarily nodding along. She got it. It was everything she’d been feeling these last few months.
‘Then, of course,’ Polly carried on, ‘I met a boy online and he became my boyfriend. He was always trying to meet up. He lived down the country, so, at first, I could get by on excuses but eventually he decided to come up to Dublin and surprise me. He knew I lived on campus. I wasn’t that good at catfishing back then. I used lots of the same details across my profiles. I didn’t bother changing things like date of birth or location and I put up similar pics of my house and where I lived, that sort of thing. When I opened the door to him, I panicked and pretended to be Sylvie’s roommate – that was the persona he’d been seeing online for nearly six months, “Sylvie”. When he asked my name, I told him my real name, not realising he was already suspicious and had found my other profiles online. He said he’d come back later, and I remember just sitting on the floor panicking. I was too shocked to even make a plan. When he came back an hour later, I barely spoke. He had printouts of Sylvie’s MySpace account and my own personal one – he’d gone to an internet café, remember those?’ Polly smiled wanly. ‘He called me a freak and a pathetic little bitch.’
The girl beside Ali murmured sympathetically. Ali noticed @SweetBabyAngel16 in front of her was wiping his eyes, his shoulders tensed. Ali thought of Sam holding Liv’s thesis and spitting the same kind of furious words about her and she found she had to swallow hard to hold off the tears herself.
‘That should have been my rock bottom.’ Polly twisted her fingers nervously in front of her. ‘I’m afraid I just got better at covering my tracks. Things got darker then and of course that’s when @Always_Watching started, which was my last online identity before I found this wonderful programme. I’ve probably spoken for long enough but just to say CatAnon saved me and I have learned so much in these rooms. And for any newcomers’ – Polly’s eyes met Ali’s and she looked deadly serious – ‘anonymity is sacrosanct. It’s so important for all our recoveries that we can trust each other.’ She raised an eyebrow in Ali’s direction, then smiled brightly, looking around to take in the whole room. ‘I know it sounds mad to trust a roomful of catfishers, but there you have it. I’d trust you all with my passwords!’ she finished with a little laugh.
Everyone applauded and @BigDickY2K made a couple of notes in her book and asked people not to talk for too long so that everyone had time to share. The sharing followed a circle around the room starting to Polly’s left, meaning Ali would have to open her mouth pretty damn soon. Shite.
‘Hi, I’m @User_4_h8,’ said the little old lady, who had nudged the man beside her during Polly’s speech. ‘And I’m a catfisher.’
‘Hi @User_4_h8,’ the room answered.
‘I got so much from your sharing, P. You always have such a great message. I have so much love for this programme too. You all know me. I didn’t pick up a phone until well into my sixties. I barely knew there was an internet.’ She laughed nervously, patting her white hair that was set into a neat little cap of waves. ‘I first got started on TripAdvisor. It was an accident. My Jimmy had opened up a B&B in Kilkenny. Lovely place and then next thing they got a bad review on this yoke. I was beside myself. Jimmy was saying “Don’t be worrying, Mam” but I couldn’t sleep. I was sick on it. Then Jimmy’s wife told me she reckoned it was a publican from town who’d put a bid on the property before they got it. Well, one night I’d had a sherry and was feeling braver than usual and I got the lad over the road to bring me his iPhone and he showed me how to set up an account and I was off. I gave that fecking publican a bollocking of the highest order. I said his pub was uglier than a bishop’s bare arse!’
Ali was startled by the vitriol that was suddenly pouring out of this sweet little old lady.
‘And bam! Just like that I was addicted to my catfishing. I got the lad from over the road to set me up on my own iPhone and then there was no stopping me. I went after everyone. The team manager at the GAA club who put Seamus Óg on the seconds. Biddy Meaney – meaney is RIGHT – down at bridge, who charged me for a class that I didn’t turn up to because of her stupid fecking cancellation policy.’
Jaysus, she’s on a roll, Ali thought. Maybe if she kept going Ali wouldn’t have to speak at all.
‘Anyway’ – @User_4_h8 folded her hands primly in her lap – ‘today I’m proud to say that I have deactivated every account and now I just use my phone to FaceTime the grandchildren, get the odd bit of shopping – oh, and I’m a divil for Candy Crush. I’ll leave it at that.’
‘Thanks, @User_4_h8,’ chimed everyone.
The next man looked nervous. He was pulling at his shirt collar and the point where his thinning brown hair met his forehead was shiny with sweat.
‘Hi everybody. I’m @OfficerMartin and I’m a catfisher.’
‘Hi @OfficerMartin,’ the room dutifully responded.
‘Well, eh, gosh, thank you firstly for your incredibly honest share.’ He nodded to Polly. ‘I got a lot out of your story. It really brought me back to my rock bottom and reminded me how I never realised I was a catfisher. I just did these things and never saw that I was addicted to the power that my online persona gave me.’ Around Ali, a few people nodded. ‘For me, it started when I’d gone to the guards to give out about a neighbour who constantly parked his car up on the path, blocking the whole thing. Everyone had to step into the road to walk around it – it was so bloody inconsiderate. My wife would have the buggy for our youngest fella, and she’d be dragging that into bloody traffic, like!’ He was getting heated and paused to breathe and calm himself.
‘Sorry, it’s just that kind of thing bothers me. Anyway, at the garda station they didn’t give a crap. Told me I should just have a word with the neighbour. I was annoyed at being dismissed like that. The guard was on his computer on the other side of the glass at the reception and he was just so dismissive of me. That’s when I spotted his name badge and got the idea.’ @OfficerMartin swallowed and ran his fingers through his hair again. ‘I went home and set up an email account in his name. It was just to give my neighbour a warning. I never thought I’d do anything else with it. Truly.’ He licked his lips and then took a swig from his bottle of water.
God, he’s so nervy, Ali thought, where the hell is this going?
‘After “Officer Martin’s” email, the guy stopped parking on the path, which was great and my wife was delighted, though I didn’t tell her the ins and outs of it. And I should’ve just deleted the account …’
Fuck’s sake, Ali wanted to shout, this anecdote is giving us all blue-ball – spit it out – what did you do???
‘I started noticing that I could see the woman next door in her bedroom. We live in semi-ds, nineteen thirties – they’re grand houses altogether. I’d know this woman to say hello to, very nice. She wears the yoga pants thingys.’