Oh, Ali perked up. Officer Martin, are you a little perv?
‘I don’t really know what possessed me but one day when I was in the older fella’s bedroom – that’s the room that looks onto their bedroom window – I got the idea to email her. I told her I was on an undercover covert op and that we were trying to snare a Peeping Tom in the neighbourhood.’ He made another nervy raking of his hair and took a swig on the water bottle. ‘I asked her to undress at the bedroom window so that we could flush out the Peeping Tom. I said it was her civic duty. She was concerned and I said it was for the safety of the whole road. So she did it. And I didn’t expect to … ya know … eh, climax. But I did.’ He was holding his face in his hands. ‘I climaxed into the wee lad’s Dublin jersey,’ he finished in a whisper.
Jesus, that went real dark, real fast. Ali tugged her dress down in case @OfficerMartin was about to start ‘climaxing’ again. God, just say ‘jizzed in the jersey’ or something. She grimaced. Why make it so much more gross with climaxing?
The room roused itself from the shock of that graphic image and began muttering ‘thanks’ for his share.
‘I also filmed it,’ he blurted out and the chorus of ‘thanks’ trailed off awkwardly.
Now it was the turn of the girl to Ali’s right. She straightened up and looked around nervously.
‘Hiya, I’m @KellysKlobber and I’m a catfisher. I dunno how to follow that.’ She laughed. ‘That had everything! I didn’t really think I had a problem at all. I had a fashion blog and used to do lots of fun ASOS and Penneys hauls on my Insta and that was all cool, used to get the odd free bits and bobs, but I didn’t really have that many followers. Until my nanny got cancer and I don’t know why but I decided it’d be better for my brand if I was the one who got cancer.’
‘What???’ Oh shit. Ali clamped a hand over her mouth to prevent anything else from escaping.
@KellysKlobber glanced her way momentarily and then carried on. ‘I just thought #KellysKancer had a ring to it and I hadn’t been feeling that well and a gal I knew had got loads of new followers when she was hospitalised with a UTI.’ Kelly, obviously sensing judgement in the silence, was looking around the room with a beseeching expression. ‘Look, I didn’t wank at my neighbour! I just made a hashtag and did a cancer-reveal post.’
Oh my gawd! Wild! Ali was high at the revelation that at least two people here were definitely worse than her.
‘No cross-sharing please,’ @BigDickY2K piped up from the front. This, Ali realised, must be some rule to keep people from talking about what others had said.
‘Sorry. Sorry. Anyway, the whole #KellysKancer thing didn’t really get off the ground because my family staged an intervention and I ended up in treatment. Which is a good thing. Because I suppose after seeing what happened with’ – she snuck a look at Ali – ‘other people making things up on Insta, it’s good that my family stopped me before anyone found out. In the hospital, I really started to understand that I didn’t have cancer and just because I didn’t have cancer didn’t mean my Instagram couldn’t be brave in other ways. So yeah, no more lying or catfishing. I even deleted all my burner accounts that I used to use to boost engagement! I’m in remission from my lying and from my fake cancer,’ she concluded proudly.
‘Thanks, @KellysKlobber,’ the room somewhat grudgingly replied. The cancer thing had clearly not gone down well at all, Ali thought.
Shite. I’m up. Ali looked around at the expectant faces, many of whom were smiling and nodding encouragingly.
‘Hi, so I’m Ali. I mean, @AlisBaba. And I’m a catfisher. I guess.’
‘Welcome @AlisBaba.’ The whole group seemed very interested once more. I’m fresh meat, Ali realised. They’re all probably listening to each other shite on about GAA jersey jizz endlessly. I’m new and exciting.
‘So, this is my first time here, obviously. Some of you might probably have heard about my little incident. I faked a pregnancy on Instagram and then everyone found out and now I’m a pariah. I’d just like to say, I didn’t set out to make up a baby. Some people just assumed and then I didn’t correct them.’
‘Sounds like denial, Ali,’ @KellysKlobber interrupted sagely.
‘Excuse me, I’m just explaining the situation,’ Ali snapped. ‘And, anyway, is she not cross-talking or whatever?’ she implored @BigDickY2K.
‘Continue, Ali,’ @BigDickY2K said in a placating voice.
‘So anyway.’ She glared at @KellysKlobber. ‘Well, things got really out of hand when this guy I had sorta been seeing or, well, saw once and had sex with, showed up thinking the baby was his and I didn’t quite correct him. So that was bad.’ Ali sighed.
It was really horrible going back over it like this. She felt compelled to explain herself to these strangers. ‘I just was going through a really tough time – my dad was really sick. He’s dead now. He died the same night it all came out that I was lying.’ Ali was now giving her hands twisting on her lap her full attention. She couldn’t look around and risk seeing all the sympathetic head-tilts. Better wrap it up before she got upset. Pregnancy was like being possessed – one minute she was snapping like a premenstrual velociraptor and the next she was crying because one of the celebs on Dancing with the Stars had nailed the cha-cha. ‘So, look, I’m here to get better and heal and all that shite. So, thanks.’
‘Thanks, Ali.’ The tone was considerably warm compared with Kelly’s fake cancer. Ali shook her head. Even she could see that was low. Between Kelly’s Kancer and Officer ‘Spooge on my kid’s stuff’ Martin, BumpGate seemed positively tame. She flashed on Sam’s stricken face when he found out she’d made up the pregnancy.
‘I thought I was going to have a family, Ali.’
She swallowed dryly and dragged her attention back to the room.
‘Hi, my name is @SweetBabyAngel16 and I am a catfisher.’
‘Hi @SweetBabyAngel16 …’
After the meeting everyone milled outside in the car park. The shares had been revelatory, mainly in the sense that there were people with much bigger problems than Ali. Kelly stood beside her sucking on a vaping device.
‘So? What did you think?’
‘I think @OfficerMartin is a criminal,’ Ali returned casually.
‘Shhhh, Ali! You can’t refer to anything from inside unless the person who said it, like, specifically brings it up. Were you not listening at the end there?’
‘Sorry, sorry! No, I was listening. Yep, first rule of Catfish Club, yadayadayada.’
Kelly chewed on the device.
‘Can’t believe you’re Ali “Baby-Hoaxer” Jones!’ Her look was halfway between disbelieving and admiring.
Ali shrugged at this dubious source of adulation. ‘You’re not supposed to talk to me about that unless I bring it up.’
‘Well. That’d be true if you hadn’t been the top story on every website for weeks there and trending on Twitter and all that.’ She exhaled a plume of fragrant peppermint smoke.
‘Fair.’ Ali grinned. She was warming to Kelly. ‘So, you’re still on Instagram, then? Are we allowed to do that?’ Ali dropped her voice and checked around. Polly was over by the entrance hugging @OfficerMartin. Ick. ‘Like, Polly is still on Insta? She’s on there loads, is that not against some rule?’