‘Sam,’ she whispered. ‘We’re kind of visible.’
‘Mhhmmmm.’ He barely stopped kissing her but began to push her back towards where he had stood watching her leaving just moments before. Now in the shadows, his hands roamed everywhere. He thrust his knee between her thighs to part them and then his hand was in her knickers.
‘I’m gonna come really fast, Sam.’
Suddenly she felt Sam freeze. She opened her eyes. His horrified face was just inches from hers.
‘What’s wrong?’ She looked around to see if someone had caught them, but the front of the house was still deserted.
‘Your …’ A pained expression clouded his features. ‘Your boob is, like, hissing at me or something.’ He pulled his hand away to inspect it, leaving her boob loose where he had scooped it out of her dress. ‘It’s moist,’ he yelped. Abruptly he pulled his other hand out of her knickers to cradle the wet hand looking freaked. ‘You’re leaking.’
Ali laughed. ‘Fuck off! That’s not even possible.’ She investigated the boob, which did feel not exactly wet but certainly sticky. Then she gave it a squeeze and nearly died of shock to see a vaguely milk-like substance come out of her tit. ‘Holy fuck!’
‘See!’ Sam sounded as gleeful as he was horrified. ‘I told you.’
‘Well, maybe you shouldn’t have been milking me,’ Ali retorted, grinning. ‘C’mon, it’s OK, just do what you were doing but don’t touch the boobs.’
‘I dunno.’ Sam looked dubious. ‘That’s going to be quite hard to come back from. Maybe it’s the baby’s way of cock-blocking me. It seems like a hostile warning.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake. It’s fine. The baby was loving it!’
‘Ali! Too far.’
‘OK, sorry. Look, the tits were just overexcited. C’mon, let’s just go to my car and nail this thing.’ She winked in what she hoped was at least in some way inviting and watched an agonising war wage across Sam’s face. He was clearly struggling with the pregnant fuck as a concept but also the tension between them was unbearable.
She took his hand and pulled him to the car park. Fortunately, the other guests were probably still balls-deep in ‘Rock the Boat’ and the place was empty.
When they got to the little battered Punto, the reality of boning in the car hit Ali. Shite. She could literally barely get into this thing in her current state, never mind perform sexual gymnastics in there. Afraid of spooking Sam further, she said nothing and crawled into the back seat, where they resumed kissing and began to grapple like a pair of frustrated eels.
She couldn’t lie on her stomach, which was one of their faves. He couldn’t get on top. She tried to climb into his lap and actually managed to get a nice bit of gyrating going when Sam’s muffled, plaintive voice could be heard from somewhere beyond the crest of the bump. ‘Ali! Ali! I can’t … breathe. The bump is … like … attacking me.’
‘Oh shite, sorry.’ Ali dismounted as quickly as the belly would allow. Eventually, with all the logistics required to land a 747, they managed to get a position that seemed to work, kind of a sideways doggie style with elements of spooning.
‘It’s in.’ Sam was jubilant, before asking approximately 400 more times if she was sure this was OK for the baby.
‘Jesus, shut up about the baby. It’s barely sentient – it’s just sloshing around in there. Please just go a bit faster and a bit harder.’ Between the milky tits and him gingerly rutting away back there, it was doing nothing to make Ali feel less bovine.
Finally, they seemed to settle in themselves. And the awkwardness and livestock vibes drifted away.
‘Fuck, I’ve missed you,’ Sam moaned into the back of her neck as he reached around to stroke her. She gasped into her hair strewn over the car seat as she tried not to make too much noise as she came. A few seconds later, Sam shuddered against her and practically roared ‘Fuuuuuck’ into her back.
‘Jesus, Sam!’ Ali laughed. She’d completely forgotten how loud and unhinged he sounded during sex. ‘Keep it together!’
‘Sorry, sorry, but fuuuuuck.’ He squeezed her gently. ‘That was good.’
Typically, at that exact moment the baby kicked the place where his hand was resting on the bump.
‘Whaaa.’ He sprang back. ‘That had to be retaliation.’
Ali grinned and sat up, her dress was half off and she pulled and twisted to try to rearrange it while Sam did up his pants. Eventually they both looked dishevelled but reasonably respectable. They sat in silence, staring straight ahead, flushed and slightly panting.
‘So …’ Ali eventually broke the silence.
‘Soooooo …’ Sam nodded. ‘Do you think we should, like, start going out again?’
Ali gazed down at their knees nearly touching. He sounded nervous. His hand lay on the seat between them and he kept tapping his fingertips against the pad of his thumb. The frenzied tension had passed and now she felt a powerful wave of fondness for him wash over her.
‘I think,’ she began, then they both jumped as Ali’s phone buzzed loudly on the floor where it had landed in the comotion.
‘Shite, it’s Liv. I told her I was leaving ages ago. Hang on.’ Ali hit the green button. ‘Hi, hi, hi, sorry. I’m not dead. I’m still here at the wedding.’
‘Delighted to hear you’re alive.’ Liv laughed. ‘Why are you still there?’
‘I’m … eh … I got held up with Sam. He’s here beside me,’ she added in case Liv came out with anything controversial that Sam would hear.
‘Oh, OK, that’s good?’ Liv wondered mildly.
‘Yep, it was good. I mean, it’s good.’
‘Oh, fuck off, Ali. Is he, like, inside you right now? What have I told you about that?’
‘Shhhhh.’ Ali could feel giggles welling up inside. ‘He’s not, we’re done.’
‘Oh God, well, just go easy, Ali. You’re just about to crap a baby out with all the head-fuckery that entails. Maybe now’s not the time to jump back into a relationship that didn’t end so well the last time. That’s not the movie you’re in right now. You’re not in a romcom, ya know? You’re not Zooey Fucking Deschanel, you’re in some sci-fi horror shit right now. You’re Ripley with a goddamn alien about to plough out of your vadge any minute.’
‘OK, thanks. Love you too, byeeeee.’ Ali ended the call before Liv could get on any more of a roll. Still, Liv’s warning crept across the pit of her stomach, dampening the simmering excitement that had been bubbling just moments before. What if this wasn’t a good idea at all? She’d been so focused on getting Sam back that she hadn’t stopped to think about what it would mean if it didn’t work. What would it mean for the baby? Right now, she and Sam were able to be in the same room and be friendly but what if they got together only to become one of those couples who imploded and hated each other’s guts until the end of time? Suddenly she felt utterly drained. Maybe it was hormones but suddenly the thrill of the evening had leaked away and was replaced by a dreadful angst. She felt scared for the baby. For the future. All that uncertainty.