‘I know, why do you think I dragged us all over here? I should’ve told Shelly. I just felt torn.’
‘OK, both of you chill your tits.’ Liv tried to soothe them. ‘We will sort this. Like, no offence to you two and your industry, but she’s an Instagram stalker. I’m sure Georgie’s not in danger. Polly or Underscore-whatever is probably just off somewhere tryna get some content for the ’gram or something.’
Ali glared at Liv.
‘Right,’ Amy snapped. ‘I’ll call our Garda contact and get a plan together. Ali, obviously I don’t need to say this but nothing on the ’gram about what you’re doing. I know Shelly’s dilating right now but if she gets the epidural she’ll probably be right back on the phone. We can’t have her see a whiff of this.’
‘Of course, I wouldn’t be ’gramming how I let an insane stalker steal my friend’s child.’ Ali was outraged.
‘Well.’ Amy shrugged. ‘It’d deffo get a lot of eyes on it is all I’m saying.’
Amy returned to the office to make her calls and Ali and Liv headed downstairs.
‘Do you think she means it about no kids?’ Liv looked concerned.
‘Let’s just find this real kid before we start concerning ourselves with your hypothetical ones, please.’ Ali flung herself unhappily on one of the many mink-grey couches down in the kitchen. This was all her fault. She pulled out her phone and automatically opened Insta – it was like a nervous tic.
‘Under the Influence with Jenny is doing an Insta LIVE,’ she reported.
‘I understand the words but have no idea what that sentence means.’ Liv plonked down beside her to look at the phone.
It was Jenny in the passenger seat of a car that seemed to be travelling at speed down the M50.
‘We are sharing updates as and when we’re getting them but it seems that police are in pursuit of a high profile Instagrammer who was initially detained in the car park of Bellissimo’s Beauty Salon in Malahide when she was spotted trying to load an unwilling child into the boot of her car. She managed to evade capture and flee with the child. Police have caught up with her and are imploring her to surrender to authorities.’
‘Shit, I’ll get Amy.’ Liv hopped up and pounded up the stairs.
Ali could see the comments streaming in at the bottom of the screen.
@PoppyLovesTheGoss: My cousin works in Bellissimo’s and she’s confirmed it’s @PollysFewBits. Appara she was in there with Georgie Devine trying to get the Mama-Daughter Special when the little girl freaked saying she wasn’t her mother and that she’d stolen her.
@ModernMaven: No fucking way. Madness. She’s always seemed disappointed that she only had boys. No spa days with the wee fellas. Poor kids to be dragged into this.
@Jenzer2000: Is Georgie still in the boot of the car?
@PoppyLovesTheGoss: @Jenzer2000 no, don’t think so. Under the Influence got closer a while back and it looked like Georgie was in the car seat behind Polly. Front-facing though, I can’t believe these parents with their front-facing car seats.
@ModernMaven: Omg gal, just went over to @PollysFewBits and she is fucking on there shiteing on about how she’s taken her little princess off for a #PamperDay. The child looks terrified. This is Polly’s nervy b happening in realtime.
Ali switched hurriedly to Polly’s Insta as Amy and Liv rushed back in.
‘The guards are already all over it, TG,’ Amy panted. ‘They’ve got some negotiator en route to try to talk her down.’
‘She’s bloody ’gramming everything,’ Ali whimpered. ‘What is happening?’
She held the phone out so Liv and Amy could sit and watch.
The @PollysFewBits LIVE was rolling. It showed Polly driving and smiling maniacally while, beyond her left shoulder, Georgie was trying to bravely answer Polly’s inane questions through the silent tears streaming down her cheeks. From the angle, Polly had the phone in a holder on the dash, but it was clear that she was driving erratically.
‘Aren’t we having the best mama-daughter bonding day? We’re even TWINNING!!!!! Do you love spending time with Mama, sweetie pumpkin pie?’
‘Ye … yes, Polly,’ Georgie gasped.
Polly whipped around to the back seat. ‘What did you just call me???’
‘I … mean … Mama. I love spending time with you, Mama.’ Georgie’s tiny voice was cracking with fear.
‘Oh my God. I can’t watch this.’ Liv looked stricken. ‘We need to turn this off. It’s exploitative. She’s clearly having an episode. Fuck, they have to get that child out of the car. What are all these fuckers saying?’ Liv indicated the bottom of the screen, where more comments were flying.
@PennysFromHeaven: This is the best thing to happen to Sunday in the history of for ever.
@HelenMellon: Oh my God she is unhinged. Can’t. Look. Away.
Meanwhile, Polly had fixed her mask of manic cheeriness back over the momentary annoyance.
‘Sweetie, oh my goodness,’ she squealed in a syrupy voice. ‘There’s over three hundred thousand people watching our #MamaDaughterPamperDay! Bet those cunts at Bellissimo’s wish they hadn’t made such a fuss now?’
‘Yes, Mama,’ Georgie whispered.
On Amy’s phone, from the Under the Influence LIVE they could see the car swerving dangerously.
‘This is car crash stuff about to become a real goddamn car crash.’ Liv buried her face in her hands.
‘I have to do something.’ Ali stood and began to pace.
‘I’m not sure there’s anything you can do,’ Amy said sadly. ‘The guards are on their way. They have to handle this. I’m gonna call Shelly’s parents to update them. They have to keep this from her.’ Amy slipped out of the kitchen.
The schoolgirls WhatsApp group was hopping with the breaking scandal. Ali couldn’t bear to look at any of the messages. She knew they’d all be gleeful or sanctimonious. Everyone on social media talked about the importance of ‘mental health’ but no one wanted to know about ‘mental illness’, which was exactly what they were all making a spectacle of with their views and shares and comments.
She X’d out of the Insta app and called Polly’s number. Presumably a million people were trying to call her at this moment, but Ali knew this was not her main phone. How many people had the number to what she’d called her ‘batphone’? Ali had to try something. She dialled the number Polly had given her at the first CatAnon.
Incredibly the phone didn’t ring for long.
‘Ali!!!!!’ Polly’s voice was shrill and overly jolly. ‘If it isn’t the little influencer who could.’
‘Polly!’ Shite. Ali had not anticipated her answering and had given no thought whatsoever to what to say should she actually pick up. ‘Polly, it’s so great to hear from you …’ Ali flailed for something to say. ‘Are you going to CatAnon later?’
‘I dunno. I’m pretty tied up today, Ali. I’m doing an Insta LIVE right now.’
‘Oh, are you?’
‘Yep, three hundred thousand people and counting are watching,’ Polly said with relish. ‘That’s the appeal of Mama-Daughter content on Insta. Do you think all these people would be watching me bring the lads to Gaelic? No way, José. Not glam or cutesy enough. But if you can breed a fucking little mini-me to twin with, everyone eats that shit up. You better hope that bump you’ve got is a little girl – a little boy would kill your brand,’ she spat with venom.