He surged to his feet, stealing the oxygen from the room before coming within inches of me. With only a lift of my chin, I was able to meet him head on, hands fisted at my sides. “My point is that you’ve avoided the topic of us this entire time. You got mad at me for kissing you after letting me kiss you, and then the mention of marrying me made you vomit. But then you held my hand out back. You’re all over the map, Kate. Let me be precise. I want you. As mine. We’re having a kid together; we may as well try it out.”
My stomach was swimming again, mind reeling. “I want you. As mine.” Those words did weird things to my heart that I had to ignore. Of course I wanted to be with an amazing man like him, especially the father of this baby. The problem wasn’t him, it was that a relationship didn’t fit into my life as it was. There was no room for building a life with someone, not when most of what I was living was a lie. I couldn’t fake it with him, but I also couldn’t be real with him. I didn’t want to hurt him, didn’t want to be a bitch to him.
Hoping he could see some of the truth in my eyes, I said, “I can’t be in a relationship with you.” I shrugged with my hands held out between us. His face fell. “I want you to be in the baby’s life, and I want your family to be a part of that, but I don’t want anything else.”
Mouth pressed in a thin line, he took a step back. My heart cracked, though I wasn’t sure why—this was how my life had to be. He ran his fingers through his hair. “You don’t want anything?”
“No, I don’t.” God, that hurt. If it was something I had the ability to choose, I would choose him over every other guy in the world.
Fists on his hips, he tilted his head back and stared at the bare ceiling. His Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed three times before he hummed with a nod. When he met my gaze again, his emotions were schooled, showing nothing. “You know, I would ask if there’s someone else, but something tells me you haven’t dated anyone. Like ever. That you don’t let anyone in that close.”
“And you’d be right,” I allowed. Even though it was only a half truth. I did date. Once.
“You won’t tell me why?”
“No, I won’t.”
His shell splintered. “Well, shit, Kate. How are we supposed to raise a kid together if you won’t open up a little? Not even as a friend?”
He was so perceptive. Paid way too close attention. I didn’t have friends, aside from Delia. I didn’t let people know the real me. Even after all the time we spent talking through email and over the phone, I never gave him anything real about myself. It was too risky. “We don’t have to be close. We just have to agree on how to raise this child. That shouldn’t be so hard. Divorced couples do it all the time, and more often than not, they hate each other.”
Eyes in thin slits, he studied me before demanding, “Is this about the marriage thing?”
My heart stuttered. This again? “No, it is not about the marriage thing. At all.”
“Then what the hell is it about?” Averting my gaze, I cracked my knuckles. He glared. “You won’t tell me shit about yourself. You won’t even consider dating me, even though we’re having a baby together. I think I deserve a reason.”
“I don’t owe you anything, Kai. This is the way it’s going to be. Period.”
I watched from the corner of my eye as he paced away from me, muttering multiple expletives, before coming so close our breath mingled, our noses almost touching. Just another inch and he could kiss me senseless like he had earlier in the evening. And boy, did I want him to. My feelings were so irrational.
“I know you want me,” he said through gritted teeth. And he was correct. One. Hundred. Percent. “Not just like that. You probably haven’t ever met a guy who actually gives two shits about you, about who you really are. You’re hungry for it; I can all but feel it radiating from you. When you’re ready, you come tell me, and I’ll be more than willing.”
With that, he left the room, quietly closing the door behind himself.
The air whooshed from me when I sank to the floor. I didn’t have an iota of courage to go brush my teeth for fear I would run into him again.
8
Kate
The next morning, I wasn’t in the best of moods. I had to stick myself again with my Zofran pump. It was irritating having to do the whole thing, having to pack my hazard container I had made from a water bottle. I kept that part of my luggage to myself, but it didn’t make it any less there for me. I was hoping they might consider taking me off it at my next appointment, even though I’d thrown up just the day before. I dressed in a blue blouse and khaki shorts, doing my hair in a loose side braid and swiping some mascara on. Even feeling like shit, I wanted to look nice hanging out with Kai’s family.
When I got to the kitchen, everyone was chatting over tea and what looked like a smorgasbord of breakfast delights. Piles of waffles, pancakes, muffins, fruit, and potatoes were arranged on the island. Cade and Kai were deep in conversation, Ava and Mrs. Hart were steeping their tea, and Mr. Hart was at the stove cooking something in a cast-iron pan.
“Good morning, Kate!” Mrs. Hart exclaimed, initiating greetings from Mr. Hart, Ava, and even Cade, who smiled and nodded in the middle of his conversation with Kai.
My gaze snagged on Kai. He was so damn sexy with his dark curly hair glistening as if he just got out of the shower, his black T-shirt stretched over broad shoulders. Whatever he was talking to Cade about had his lips curving up and his eyes crinkling with humor. I waited… and waited for him to look up, for his eyes to drink me up like a glass of fine whiskey before resting on my baby bump—what he had done every time I entered the room the day before.
He didn’t look up, didn’t acknowledge me, not even when everyone else did. He just kept talking to Cade, and his dad drew my attention by asking if I’d like some eggs. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed that look he gave me, how much his attention made me tingle with delight, until that very moment. It was disconcerting.
With my stomach in my throat and my tongue coated in disappointment, I opted for a small bowl of fruit and a cup of Earl Grey. I couldn’t pinpoint the cause of my frustration. It was only logical for Kai to distance himself after my declaration the night before. What I hadn’t accounted for when I basically told him we could raise the baby and not be together was that I’d grown to love our conversation, and banter, and flirting.
Over the month before his term was up, we’d talked almost every day. We’d laughed and joked, and I’d come to know him better. Something had grown that I didn’t mean to allow. I had come to treasure our friendship—too much. I enjoyed him way too much, and now I wanted him more than anything else. I wanted a relationship with him, a future with him.
And I couldn’t have it.
Dread filled my stomach, making it impossible to eat or drink. The one piece of strawberry in my mouth now tasted too acidic. I swallowed a mouthful of Earl Grey to wash it down, but the bitterness only made things worse. Mr. Hart gave me a questioning glance right before I bolted for the bathroom. Bile took on the taste of humiliation.