He didn't say anything after that, instead focusing on his second burger. I knew the minute he was done, because he released a noisy, contented sigh and sat back in his chair, a look of satisfaction on his face. His hand rubbed up and down his full belly.
"That was good."
Smiling at the domestic picture he made, I poured the coffee. "Would you like another beer?" As soon as I asked I remembered that he would have to ride back to the clubhouse, but I knew that two beers wouldn't be enough to inebriate him.
I heard his chair scoot back. "I'll get it."
Suddenly we were both in my too-small kitchen. I felt the heat of his presence behind me as I placed the two cups of coffee onto a small baking tray. I closed my eyes, his scent and warmth flooding me with the memories of how good we’d been together, while leaving me with a feeling of immense loss. I tensed when I felt his hand at the hair behind my ear. He moved it aside, and then I felt his lips against my ear.
"Seems just like old times."
I shivered as his warm breath ran over me. "I'm—"
He growled low in a threatening tone, "You say you're sorry one more time, I'm going to lose it, Baby."
I clamped my mouth shut tight and stood quivering at his closeness. Somehow I found the courage to ask, "Are you going to spank me again?"
A grunt was his response. "Check my clothes while I take the coffee out to my brothers."
I didn't even think to bitch at him for being so bossy. "Okay."
He stepped away from me and reached for the tray. Once he left the kitchen I went to put his clothes into the dryer. I stood there for a minute, gripping the corner edges of the dryer, and tried to calm the arousal rolling through me. It felt like a tidal wave that threatened to suck me under and never let me up. I wanted Sax, and not just for sex, but at this point I would take him any way that I could get him. But he'd have to make the first move.
The crippling fear of rejection would keep me from acting on my desires.
I heard the door close, and then the telltale click of the lock. When the sound of Sax setting the tray down on the kitchen counter carried to me, I was finally able to move. I turned the corner to see him clearing his plate off the table and taking it to the sink. He must have sensed me there, because he turned and leaned against the sink and crossed his arms. His eyes dropped lazily down to my breasts, and I knew that he could see my nipples hardening. I knew it because I could feel the sharp tingle of them as they peaked against my thin tank.
He looked up and released a harsh breath. "Let's get this DNA shit done."
"The kit is right behind you."
He pivoted and reached for the box.
"You'll need to take four swabs of the inside of your cheek and put them in one of the sample envelopes. I've already done Ava's."
I knew that Sax had heard me, even though he was reading the box. I knew that I’d chosen a reliable kit because I'd called the doctor's office for a recommendation, and we'd have the results within a week.
Once Sax seemed satisfied with what he'd read, he swabbed the inside of his cheeks four times and placed the swabs in an envelope. As he sealed it closed, his eyes came to me.
"I'll let you know when the results come in." I smiled even though I didn't feel like it. "So, um, is all the trouble done at the club?"
"Still have loose ends to tie up. Until then, you and Ava will be watched." He crossed his arms.
"Pff, there's always loose ends. Can I ask you something?" The briefest nod of his head was my response. "What happens if—" I caught myself, afraid to put my thoughts into words, even more afraid of what his answer would be. I'd had the last four days to think about what I could expect after the test results came back. I knew that Sax was angry, maybe even hated me a little, but now that he'd showered and eaten, he appeared more approachable, easier to talk to.
Did I want to ruin the mood?
"That's a pretty open-ended question," he finally said when the silence grew between us. "You've never been afraid to speak your mind before."
The corners of my lips turned up, but it could hardly be considered a smile. "That was before, when I knew where I stood with you." I swallowed. "When I knew what I could expect."
"Just spit it out, Holly." When he said my name like that, I knew he was getting annoyed. "What's the worst that could happen, huh? Have I ever hurt you?"
I knew he didn’t mean physically. Although…"You did spank me the other day."
Amusement gleamed in his eyes as he snorted loudly. "You deserved that." He paused for a second. "And it turned you on more than pissed you off."
It had turned him on, too. I felt my cheeks heat as I recalled what had followed. We'd both gotten something out of it.
"Ask your question, Baby."
What’s the worst that could happen, other than hearing the truth? I sucked in a deep breath and spit it out in one breath. "What's going to happen if we find out that Ava is yours?"
There, it was out. The humor disappeared from Sax’s eyes, replaced with a deep intensity that reached all the way to my soul.
He finally exhaled a heavy breath and lowered his arms. "Are you asking for Ava, or are you asking for you?"
"For both of us," I answered truthfully.
He shrugged. "Told you I'd take care of any kid of mine."
Yes, he had, financially, but not emotionally. I knew something had happened to Sax when he was a child, something terrible, something so traumatizing that he couldn't, or wouldn’t, talk about it. He'd never alluded to anything, it was just a strong feeling that I had. It wasn't just that he didn't want children--he was scared of having them. And to see a man like Sax scared of something was frightening in itself.
As we stood there, eyes locked, I could see the fear in his now. Even his big, strong body, his bad ass biker persona, couldn't disguise the raw emotion of pain. I knew him too well. His silent suffering broke my heart. I wanted to help him, but in the past, he’d shut me out any time that we'd discussed having children.
The kitchen island was between us. I moved closer to it, closer to him. So far Sax hadn't moved from where he was casually leaning against the sink, looking relaxed, when I knew he was anything but.
"What exactly does that mean, Sax?" I wanted to hear the words. "If Ava's your daughter, are you going to be around for her? Are you going to be part of her life?"
A muscle twitched in his jaw. His eyes narrowed on me, and I knew he wasn't happy being backed into a corner. "Not going to discuss this now when it could be for nothing."
His cold response made me so angry. And sad. He didn't want to talk about it? Tears filled my eyes when I thought about my precious daughter asleep in her crib. "Maybe it would be better if it turns out that Ava isn't yours," I mumbled without thinking. Sax's mouth tightened a fraction more, showing his displeasure. I watched the play of emotions move over his face, instantly sorry for what I'd said.
"I didn't mean that," I said sincerely.
He surprised me by saying, "I know."
Chapter 27
Sax