Of course, I was clueless to that fact back then. I was so naive that I told Knox maybe he was in pain. My brother told me to shut up because he understood what was going on before I could. His innocence was stolen away before mine.
Then, that client disappeared, and that was that. I thought it was all over.
It wasn’t.
One night, I was asleep and I felt something wet and hot on my clothes.
In the morning, I went crying to Mum, begging her to help me. She just washed me and told me to stay still and not cry. If I cried, she’d throw me and Knox out for that man to take with him.
I stopped crying that day.
I haven’t cried since.
The second night, his filth was all over my bare skin.
Then it was on my face.
I didn’t ever speak during those nights. I stayed still until he finished. I stayed still until I felt his hot liquid, because that meant it was over.
Knox found me one night when the man was sneaking over to where I slept. He hit him on the head, took me by the hand, and we ran.
We didn’t stop running in the streets.
We were running so neither Mum nor that man nor the people who worked with her could find us.
I didn’t cry, though, not even when Elsa’s mother trapped us in her basement. At least she didn’t touch us, and when she did, it was once when she cut our knees so we resembled her son.
At least, in that basement, we were away from Mum and that man.
But you know what? I might have been away, but I was never far.
The man and his hot liquid kind of lived with me. I dreamt about it, had nightmares about it, and in every one of them, I couldn’t move.
I stayed completely still, just like Mum ordered me to.
All I could think about was his voice when he spoke to Mum and gave her money.
I always peeked out of my room, trying to see his face. Mum smiled like the fucking druggie she was whenever she saw him. He was an important man and he didn’t speak like the people in Birmingham. He spoke like an actor.
After Ethan took me and Knox in, I made it my mission to find that man from my nightmares. The man who perched on my chest every time I slept.
I searched for him everywhere, but I was too clueless and too young; I didn’t know what I was doing.
I also had no idea what I would tell him if I found him. All I knew was that I needed to see him, and when I did, I’d figure out what I would tell him.
I did find him.
And I did know what I wanted to tell him.
Only it wasn’t words. The moment I saw him, I knew exactly what I’d do to him.
I’d kill him.
It was that simple.
He held me a prisoner all my life. I couldn’t break free, not even with the therapists or in a family setting or anything.
I never told this to anyone, but you might as well be the first to know it. The little girl who was violated over and over again never left me. Her shadow is currently perching on my shoulder, telling me to set her free, and I know I won’t be able to do that unless I kill him.
That girl cries all the time, her eyes hollow and haunting, but I can’t even cry. She can’t speak, but I can. She can’t help herself, but I will.
It’s my duty. It’s why I grew up. Why I ran. Why I exist.
It was so simple.
But then you came along, and I thought maybe I could exist for something else. Maybe I could be with you and let you in.
I want to.
You don’t know how much I want to, Ronan. I’ve never felt as alive as when I’m with you. I never woke up and felt happiness until I realised you were by my side.
You’re the only one who gave another meaning to my life aside from revenge. You set me on fire, and you didn’t run away from the ashes. You kissed me and didn’t want to leave me.
I don’t deserve that.
You’re the light despite the darkness. You’re the hope despite the black dots. You’re strong despite the weakness.
You didn’t let that man take your life. I let him take mine.
The thing is, we met under the wrong circumstances, Ronan.
I didn’t approach you for you. I approached you for your family name.
I approached you because you’re the son of the man I decided to kill.
Your father took my life, and now I’m taking his.
I feel so sorry for you and Charlotte and even Lars, but I can’t live in a world where scum like Edric Astor exists.
I know you will never forgive me, but I hope you find it in you to understand me.
What I feel for you is more than love. It’s something overpowering, but also empowering. It’s believing I can be normal even when I don’t know what normal is. It’s smiling and laughing out loud without even realising it.
I wish we’d met under different circumstances and with different names.
I wish I could wake up to your face every day.
If there’s a next life, let’s meet there, okay?
Goodbye,
Teal
32
Teal
It’s so easy.
The whole process went off without a hitch. I had to stop and stare in my rear-view mirror a few times, expecting to find police cars following us.
There aren’t.
The trip to the forest takes me less than fifteen minutes. There were almost no cars on the way, no people roaming around this early morning, and I make sure to use deserted routes.
No one has witnessed the man beside me, his eyes closed and his entire body slack. If they did, they’d think he was asleep and I’m just taking him on a drive.
I am taking him on a drive — just not where he’s supposed to go.
When I called Edric for a meeting, I told him it was urgent and about Ronan. He immediately agreed.
Then, I drove to his mansion in Knox’s Range Rover — I left him a note about it and kind of suggested he get a new car.
After I gave Lars the letter I wrote to Ronan, there was a small voice that told me I should turn around and leave — just go somewhere, anywhere. I don’t have to do this or anything that followed.
But the little girl on my shoulder is still crying. She can’t stop, and neither can I.
So, I asked Edric if he was okay with joining me in my car because I didn’t want to talk about it in his house. Once again, he didn’t suspect anything as he slid into the passenger seat.
The moment he looked down to click the seatbelt into place, I jammed the needle I’d already prepared in his neck, and not just any jamming — I did it intravenously.
Since I decided to kill him, I’ve been arranging my dominos one by one. I knew how I’d kill him and how I’d get there. I’ve been watching videos about intravenous injections and practising on dolls. I learnt it so thoroughly I could do it with my eyes closed.
My medicine of choice is rocuronium because it’s paralysing, fast, and long-lasting. It’s also prescription only, but when I asked Agnus if he could find a way to get it, he brought me two bottles the next day, no questions asked. That’s what I love about Agnus — his ability to understand. He only said to call him, not Dad, if I do something.
I’m not calling anyone.
The drug took effect on Edric within a minute. I still remember the confused expression on his face after the sting of the needle as he slowly turned around.
He didn’t understand what had happened.