The juxtaposition of having this fierce, dangerous man caring for me in such a gentle manner warmed me from the inside out. I wasn’t used to being treated so tenderly. It was addicting. I wanted to latch on to the feeling and never let go.
Each night, I got a dose of Tamir’s affection, and like a junkie, I looked forward to the time each evening when I was the sole focus of his attention. I craved it. I dreamed about the feel of his hands sifting through my hair. It was the one window in time when we had no secrets between us and no baggage to sort through. It was pure and innocent, although the feelings it stirred inside me were anything but.
My need for Tamir grew rapidly each day, but I wasn’t willing to risk crossing that line. Not while we were stuck together with no way to flee potential rejection. Instead, we established a new normal over the next two weeks as we lived at the cabin.
Tamir took a trip into town to load up on supplies, but otherwise, we stayed alone in the woods. Thanksgiving was commemorated with hot dogs over a campfire and the last swigs of our remaining whiskey. We spent our days on home improvement projects or hunting, working companionably side by side.
I would have thought enjoying some normalcy would have brought me peace, but each day, I felt further from it. In fact, the closer I felt to Tamir, and the more I enjoyed his presence, the more distraught I became. Sexual tension mounted to a boiling point, but I couldn’t go there with him. Not when I hadn’t told him the whole truth. And every day that passed, the guilt gnawed at me like an angry piranha, trying to devour me whole.
Chapter 18
Emily
While Tamir had gone into town to do a weekly restock of our supplies, I decided to take a walk on one of the trails. It was amazing how a person could learn to recognize specific trees or clusters of rocks. At first, I wouldn’t wander out of view of the cabin without Tamir present to make sure I could find my way back, but as each day passed, I grew more comfortable with the winding pathways.
I had to bundle up to ward off the crisp morning air. We were now a week into December, which meant I’d been dealing with the fallout of what I’d witnessed for almost a year.
It was closer to eight months, but it felt like a year. It felt like an eternity.
I was in a dramatic frame of mind, but that was because it was the day before my birthday. I had told myself when I took the leap and entered WitSec that by the time my birthday rolled around, I would be well on my way to a new life. Instead, I was turning twenty-seven in a shack in the woods, hiding out to stay alive.
Not where I wanted to see myself at this point.
Every day, the crushing weight of uncertainty bore down on me just a little bit heavier. On top of that, I missed my brother and sister. It had torn a hole in my heart when I left, and the wound only seemed to worsen rather than heal. Even out in the wilderness, where I should feel invigorated and refreshed, I felt small and lost.
But the thing that ate at me the most was my suffocating guilt over lying to Tamir. I was falling for him more and more every day, allowing him to help me under false pretenses. It made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.
I was swimming in a sea of negative emotions, unable to see my way to the surface. They compounded one another, magnifying their effect until I had to get out. Get out of the cabin. Get out of my head.
A branch cracking, not far away, startled me from my thoughts. As I honed in on my surroundings, I realized I’d been standing in one place for some time. I hadn’t even realized I’d stopped. Turning only my head to stay as quiet as possible, I scanned the area all around me but saw nothing unusual.
“Found you,” Tamir’s deep voice rumbled behind me.
“Dios Mío, you scared me,” I shrieked and jumped to the side, unsure how he’d transported himself so close to me without making a sound. “You shouldn’t sneak up on a girl like that.” I swatted at his arm, but he easily evaded me.
“I thought you’d hear me coming, but when I realized you were zoned out, I decided to have a little fun. I had to snap a small tree in half to get your attention. What had you so preoccupied?”
My eyes wandered to a nearby tree. “Lots of stuff, I guess. My birthday, my real birthday, is tomorrow. I knew back when I got into this mess that it wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t expect it to be so difficult either. I’m turning twenty-seven with no family, no home, no job, and if I’m not careful, I won’t even make it to twenty-eight. It all just got to me, and I don’t think the self-imposed isolation is helping. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful for your help. I’m just not used to so much time away from civilization.” I turned and started us walking back toward the cabin.
Tamir fell into step beside me. He didn’t say anything right away, which I appreciated. Nothing he could say would change my situation. If there was an easy solution, we would have assessed it already.
“You know what? I think you’re right. I think it’s time for you to get away from the cabin for a bit.”
“Really?” My heart began a gentle dance to the tune of excitement and trepidation.
“Right by the market is a little restaurant. I think it’s more like a bar, but either way, it should do the trick. Let’s go out for dinner tonight to celebrate your birthday.”
I jerked to a stop, and the second Tamir turned toward me, I flung my arms around him in a crushing hug. “Oh my God, you don’t know how happy that would make me to pretend everything is normal just for a night.” When I pulled away and realized what I’d done, I felt awkward. I dropped my gaze to the ground and my mud-caked shoes. “Oh, hell,” I moaned. “I don’t think I own a single thing that doesn’t stink or isn’t covered in dirt.”
“I picked up a couple of new things for each of us at the store this morning. I’m starting to look like a lumberjack, but at least they shouldn’t kick us out from the stench.” We washed our clothes by hand every few days, but it felt like a thankless task because they were stinky and soiled again in no time.
“I don’t suppose you have any scissors here? I could help you with your hair, but only if you want. I used to trim my dad’s hair and sometimes, my cousins.”
He peered at me briefly with a smirk, then started us walking again. “I think I have something that should work.”
***
“You want me to trim your hair with utility scissors? I don’t know, Tamir. What if it looks terrible?” I held the heavy steel scissors in my hand like I would a dead fish. They were a far cry from the delicate shears I’d used previously to cut hair.
“Then it’ll grow back. The waves just get tangled out here when it’s long. As far as I’m concerned, we could just shave it all off.”
“No! Your hair is entirely too pretty for that. Fine, sit down, and let’s get this over with.”
We pulled one of the dining chairs outside. It was low, but Tamir was tall enough to make up the difference. I stood behind him and hesitantly wove my fingers through his thick hair. It was interesting to have the tables turned. The act felt intimate, and I wondered how Tamir felt when he did my hair in the evenings. If he felt a fraction of the desire I felt for him, it was a wonder he hadn’t tried to take our relationship further.