“That … actually sounds amazing. But, I’m sorry. I can’t. I won’t accept an offer from you.”
“Because of me?” Ryder asks.
“I don’t want a record deal on a favor.”
Harley stands. “Look, I’ve only heard one song, but I’m impressed. If you want to send me a demo, I’ll happily listen to it and remain unbiased. I’m interested in signing you, but like Ryder says, I won’t do it if I don’t think you can make it big. I love him but not that much.”
I don’t believe him. This deal will always be tainted by Ryder’s connection. “I’ll think about it.”
“Well, uh, it looks like you two have some stuff to discuss. I’m gonna get out of this awkwardness as fast as possible.” Harley slaps Ryder on the back. “Have fun getting yelled at, and I can’t wait until we can work together again.”
Ryder smiles. “Who you working on next?”
Harley taps his chin. “I figure Denver. He should be the easiest sell out of all of you.”
“Shouldn’t you start with the hardest?” Ryder asks.
“Do you even know where Mason is?”
“Nope.”
“Neither do I.”
I watch their exchange, willing it to hurry up and be over because I need to yell. Or throw things.
Upstairs, we were literally making big declarations, and now, suddenly, he’s going back on the only promise he’s ever made me.
As soon as Harley’s gone, Ryder turns to me.
I hold up my hand. “Don’t. This isn’t going to be a thing. I’m not sending him my demo. End of story.”
“Why are you so fucking keen on sabotaging your career?”
“I’m not!”
“I call bullshit.”
“Oh, you’re calling bullshit? The fact you brought me into this at all, that’s bullshit.”
“I didn’t bring you into this! Harley heard your song and is interested. That makes your career fair game. I’m so sorry I want you to achieve your dream even at the expense of my own heart.” He mock gasps. “The nerve.”
I pull back. “What do you mean?”
“I would love for you to forget about music and stay with me and Kaylee. I’d love to hold you back so you can be part of us, follow me while I explore this new venture with Harley, and live my life. But that would be selfish. The side of me that wants you to be happy won’t allow me to sit back and let you skip auditions and put off your career for us.”
“I’m not doing that. I’m taking a break from feeling like I’m not good enough. And I get to spend my time with two people I’m falling in love with even though I know I probably shouldn’t.”
Ryder’s eyes widen.
“And that look right there”—I point at him—“is why I shouldn’t be getting attached. I say that I’m falling for you, and you freak out.”
“I’m not.” He so is.
“You’re lying.”
“Okay, fine, I am, but not because I don’t want that. I don’t know how to handle it because I’ve never done this before. Not, like, a real relationship. I simultaneously want you to succeed while not wanting you to leave me. I want to lift you up and hold you back at the same time, and I don’t understand it. I don’t know how to process it in my head.”
“So you push me away by doing the one thing I asked you not to?” How can he not see that?
“I didn’t mean to push you away. I was trying to support you.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to use your connections to get ahead. You know that.”
“All I did was ask Harley to hear your demo.”
“Yeah, and in return he gets you to sign on his new label.”
“That wasn’t a condition attached.”
I fold my arms. “Fucking sounded like it.”
“He was listening to your song when we came back in!”
The more he argues, the more frustrated I become.
I let out a loud breath. “Let’s move on. Even if Harley wasn’t doing it as a favor to you, I will always wonder. I don’t need those thoughts stifling my voice.”
“Lyric—”
I grunt. “I don’t want to sign with Harley, okay? He’s Harley Valentine, and the complete opposite of the image and sound I want.”
“Usher signed Justin Bieber and they’re nothing alike. Harley wants different sounds and voices.”
“I can’t do this right now.” I need to get out of here.
Ryder and I have disagreed before. A lot. About many different things.
But my music is sacred, and I thought he understood that. He worked with me to create a demo I’m actually proud of, and he respected my hang-ups and demands. He might’ve found them exasperating, but he never pushed.
This, though … this is too much.
“I need to take Chase home.”
Ryder stands between me and the doorway. “Don’t leave like this. Not in the middle of an argument.”
“It’s not an argument. It’s a difference of opinion.”
“A difference that is obviously getting to you. I want to make this right. Tell me how I can make this right.”
“Let me make my own career decisions.”
His lips purse. He really doesn’t want to do it. His bright blue eyes are locked on mine, his jaw set. “Fine.”
“Wait, what?” I didn’t expect him to give in that fast.
He steps closer. “You’re right. You should be able to make your own decisions when it comes to your career.”
“Umm, thank you.”
“I’m not done.”
Of course he’s not.
“Your career is yours, and your sound is yours, but I think you’re so blinded by the issues you have over your dad’s death and how the industry treated him that you can’t see what’s right in front of you. You’re fighting this too hard, and the only person you’re punishing is yourself.”
“I …” I try to dispute that, but I can’t.
“You’re so scared of repeating your father’s mistakes you won’t take any opportunity given to you. You always claim you want to be yourself, but I’m not entirely sure you know who that is—musically, anyway. You fight anything remotely mainstream on principle instead of preference. There will always be an excuse not to do something.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It is that simple. I’m not the one fucking this up for you. Remember that when you find yourself in the exact same position in a few years. Remember it when the bitterness creeps in because I can tell you from experience, you can love someone with your whole fucking heart and still resent them.”
I know Ryder has those kinds of issues with Kaylee, and I also know he hates himself for it. I want to reassure him and tell him to let go of those feelings, but I can’t make my mouth work.
His words hit me as if he’s physically assaulting me, and the punches keep coming. The truth hits harder than anything else he could throw at me, and it stings.
“Don’t let your fear hold you back, and that’s all I have left to say. You get your wish. Your career’s all yours to ruin.” Ryder turns on his heel and storms out.