Panic soars through my entire body. The FBI don’t play around. If anyone can figure out what I’ve done, it’s them. Jasen sets his fork down. “Not if I can help it.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Morgan, I’m going to do whatever I can to protect you and our baby.”
Chapter 17
Morgan
Things have shifted between Jasen and me the past few weeks. We talk more. We have dinner together every night, and he no longer sleeps in the guest room. We’re making the effort to make our situation as normal as it can be. I sense he still grieves Monroe. I can tell he’s still upset about what we did. But he deals with it in his own way. Some nights, he sits on the patio with a glass of whiskey, staring out at the LA lights. It’s his time to reflect. His time to think. I never bother him. I don’t force him to tell me what’s on his mind. I have my own demons I’m battling. As much as I love Jasen, I can’t help but carry the guilt of my sister’s death. I can’t help but feel regret about swapping with her. I regret hurting Jasen. The only thing that keeps me happy is the baby I’m carrying. I lay my hand across my belly and visualize how it will look. Will it be a boy? A girl? I’m excited to meet him or her. My mind shifts to all the preparation that needs to be done before the baby gets here. I haven’t purchased one bottle or blanket. I haven’t even figured out where it will sleep.
I shoot to my feet as I suddenly think about the empty bedroom down the hall. Jasen was going to turn it into a gym. But I have other things in mind. I open the door and walk inside. It’s huge in size, like all the rooms in this house. It has a beautiful bay window, a cathedral ceiling, and wall-to-wall plush carpet. It’s perfect. I grow more excited as I think about how I want to decorate the room. I pull the phone out of my pocket and call Jasen. “Hey.”
“I want to decorate the baby’s room.”
“Which room did you pick?”
“The room you were going to turn into a gym.”
“Oh, good choice.”
“Yeah. I think so too. I’ll need paint. I need to buy a bassinet. A rocking chair—”
“Whoa, calm down. You’re not painting anything. Text me everything you need. I’ll have our maintenance guy come and paint. And I’ll order the deliveries for everything else.”
“But that takes away the fun of shopping for the baby. I thought we could go to Target. We could make a day of it.”
“Morgan…”
I sigh loudly. “Okay. I know. I shouldn’t be on my feet. But just for the record, this sucks!”
“I’ll help you decorate. We can make a day of it, then.”
“Deal. It’s going to be so much fun.”
Jasen
When I said I would help Morgan decorate the baby’s room, it sounded good at the time. My maintenance guy painted the room a few days ago. She opted for a unisex color. Mint green. After she sent me a three-page list of all the things she needed, I had it delivered. I’m currently standing here surrounded by boxes of bottles, bibs, baby clothes, and diapers. I have my drill in hand, squinting at page two of the directions on how to put the crib together. I’m sweating. I’m nervous. My child will be sleeping in this. One wrong screw, and my baby can fall to its death. I can’t fuck this up. “I don’t understand. There should be one last screw that goes right here.” I point to the remaining hole. Morgan walks over. “Hmmm. You’re right.”
I turn around to grab the bag that the pieces came in and feel something hard under my foot. I lift my leg up, and there it is. The missing screw. She places her hands on her hips. “Looks like we found it.”
I pick it up, toss the directions, and drill the last screw in. I take a step back and look at my work. “That’s it.”
Morgan joins me at my side. She places her hand on the mahogany crib and beams. “It’s perfect.”
I grab the mattress and place it snugly inside. Morgan follows behind with the sheet and blanket. We did it. The room is painted. The crib is complete. The rocking chair sits in the corner. And the toy chest is filled with enough toys to last a lifetime. I know she went overboard. But I don’t care. Our baby will be spoiled to pieces, and I can’t wait. She looks around the room. “It’s exactly the way I imagined it. Thank you.”
I wrap my arm around her. “I’m excited about being a father.”
“You are?”
“Yes, I am. Morgan, we can’t deny that this is a complicated situation. We have a long road ahead of us, but…” I think carefully about what I’m about to say next. “But I want to get through it, together.”
Confusion crosses her face. “Are you saying we’ll get through it together as parents or…”
“I’m saying whatever happens, happens. Monroe’s betrayal is still fresh. But I can’t deny that things weren’t right with us for a long time. We loved each other, but we fell out of love with each other years ago. I think we just became comfortable with each other. And in some weird way, she was right. We weren’t compatible. I tried to make her into someone she wasn’t. Morgan, the weeks I spent with you… I can’t shake how you made me feel. I loved Monroe. But she never made me feel the way you do.”
“Jasen, what are you saying?” she asks in almost a whisper.
“I don’t want to force anything between us just because of the baby. But I won’t deny my feelings anymore. I want to move forward as a family. There are a thousand reasons why we shouldn’t be together, Morgan. But I don’t care about any of them.”
This has weighed heavily on my mind the past few weeks. And the more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that maybe fate has given me everything I ever wanted in some sick way. I valued my marriage. I was loyal to Monroe. I tried my hardest to make us work. I did everything I could to make her happy. But it wasn’t enough. I’m tired of blaming myself for our failed marriage. For her death. I’ve got to let the weight of it go if I have any chance of being happy. I’m standing in front of a woman who sees me for who I am. A woman who accepts me for who I am. A woman who desires nothing more from me than love. It’s the little things that matter to Morgan. She makes me feel good enough for her. Maybe it wasn’t meant for Monroe and me. Maybe I chose the wrong girl all those years ago. I may never know why Monroe treated me the way that she did. I may never know why she was so unhappy. But should I torture myself by trying to find the answers? Or should I accept what’s right in front of me? Her eyes blink rapidly “Are you sure about this?”
I nod. “I’m sure.”
The truth is that I’m not one hundred percent sure that I’m doing the right thing. But I’m taking a leapt of faith that I am. I’m trusting my instinct when it’s telling me that this is what’s best for our baby. Best for us. My gut is telling me that Morgan’s feelings for me are real. I felt them. I still do feel them. “Jasen, I don’t know what to say.”
“Is this what you want?”
“More than anything.”