Andy stares at me, emotions passing through his eyes like a storm before he takes a deep breath and exhales with a short puff, rubbing his palms over his jeans. “You know how I was always good at getting people to talk to me, open up?” Andy asks, and I nod. “So, during my service, I oversaw asset recruiting and handling…”
“What happened?” I ask when Andy doesn’t continue.
“We had an extraction mission. I got tipped off on the location, cross-referenced the info with intel, did my due diligence.” Andy captures my gaze, seeming to almost be begging me to understand. “I trusted the people who gave me the information, Phoebe, I never felt anything was off, no red flags or unease, I truly believed the info was good.”
“I know, I’m sure you did.” I lace my fingers through Andy’s and rub my thumb over his hand. “You always dotted your I’s and crossed your T’s.”
“But, it was an ambush, a massacre. I still don’t know how we managed to contain the situation, it was absolutely crazy.” He takes a deep breath, the pulse in his wrist racing under my fingertips. “Apparently, the screw-up was on the intelligence side. Someone fed me false information, but it was never supposed to be verified. All that doesn’t matter, though, I still should have known I was being played, it was my duty toward the people that walked into battle with me.”
“Is that when Jonah was injured?” He nods.
“It was bad enough I walked them all straight into an ambush, but then the bombs went off.” I can’t stop the gasp of horror, and Andy grimaces. “Jonah was running into the heart of it all, to tend to the wounded, when the first wave was triggered. Had he made it ten feet further, he wouldn’t have survived.”
“You didn’t do that to him,” I whisper.
“I might as well have.” Andy rubs his face with a tired sigh. “You asked me if it was bad? It was worse.”
“How so?”
“Sawyer and I ran to pull him out, we knew there would be a second wave, but neither of us cared, we just had to get him out.” Andy tightens his hand over mine. “His leg was torn to shreds. I’ve never seen anything like that, cuts and slashes everywhere, everything smelled like blood and burnt flesh, it was horrific.”
“I can’t even imagine.”
“I don’t want you to even try,” Andy says gruffly, his eyes so full of raw emotions my heart breaks for him, for Jonah. “The worst part was that Jonah hadn’t passed out. I guess it was the adrenaline, but he was fighting and yelling even as Sawyer and I were pulling him away from the danger zone.”
“What was he yelling?” Andy shakes his head at my question, his eyes watery as if he’s fighting back tears.
“He kept yelling for us to let him go so he could treat the other soldiers. We got out of the impact zone, started treating him, and he was still fighting, then he suddenly went completely still and looked straight at me and said...” Andy pauses to recollect himself. “He looked straight at me, and his eyes were so desperate and scared. I’ve never seen Jonah scared of anything, and he grabbed my shirt and said, ‘Andy, could you please tell my mom I’m sorry?’ And then he blacked out.”
“That’s terrible,” I manage to say between suppressed sobs.
“Jonah never called me Andy. He’s the reason everyone calls me Andrew. He started it to annoy me like the bratty youngest brother he is, but after I broke up with you, it felt more appropriate, and it stuck. When he used my nickname, I was sure that was it. The last thing he’d ever say was the name of the person I was trying to forget.”
“But he made it, baby,” I remind Andy, rubbing my nose against his. “You made sure he made it back.”
“It should never have happened. I shouldn’t have let it, and if I had just noticed the signs, seen the lie...”
“The what-if game is a dangerous game to play.” I lift myself off the floor and sit in his lap, circling his neck. “I should know. I asked myself a lot of what-ifs after you left, and it nearly drove me crazy.”
“Sounds familiar.” Andy smiles a cold smile, nuzzling my neck. “I don’t regret enlisting. I’m proud of my service, and I eventually realized my dad wanting me to enlist was never about family legacy, it was because he knew it would be good for me, and that I’d be good at it.”
“Feeling remorse over what happened doesn’t take any of that away,” I whisper, running my fingers through his short hair. “I’m proud of you, too.”
“Thank you.” He smiles, planting a soft kiss on my shoulder before burying his face in the nook of it and inhaling deeply, his muscles relaxing under my touch as I sit and stroke his hair.
We sit in sad silence for a while, drawing comfort in the closeness, when suddenly Andy speaks. “The day I got injured, before… My mom called me,” he relays, his voice slightly muffled from my sweatshirt. “She told me Jonah was having a really hard time with his rehabilitation, that he said something about not being able to take it anymore, that he wishes we would have just let him die that day. It broke me to pieces to hear that, and I was so out of focus I just didn’t see the guy come at me.”
“Did you ever think—?” Andy cuts me off with a stern shake of his head, straightening himself, so he’s looking me square in the eyes.
“Never, Phoebe. Every time things started overwhelming me, I’d think of you and remember how good life can be.” He pulls me to him, claiming my lips with a tender kiss. “That plastic ring, baby, I took it with me everywhere, and it’s still waiting for you in my bedside drawer.”
“I carried you with me as well,” I proclaim, touching my butterfly tattoo before pulling him in for another kiss.
“I need to head out,” Andy mumbles against my lips. “I promised Lola I’d man the pub while she’s on vacation and I’m running late, the staff will be there soon.”
“Okay. Want me to drop by later, have a beer?”
“Nah. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to drink today.” Andy lifts his head and smiles. “Anyway, you and Gabe have a load of files to go over, between The Lantern and your pro-bono client in the city. I’m not sure you’ll be out of the office before midnight.”
“Yeah, I have my work cut out for me today,” I agree, thinking of the mission ahead.
“I know that look, Curls,” Andy scolds me with a chuckle. “Whatever you’re planning, go easy on Gabe, he’s a good guy.”
“Scouts honor,” I swear, standing with Andy, surprised when he pulls me into a tight hug.
Tightening my hold on his middle, I bury my face in his chest, inhaling his leathery scent mixed with his mom’s lilac laundry detergent. It’s become so familiar I don’t think I could ever live without it again, and for the first time in a very long time, I find myself wondering—what-if?
Chapter Twenty-Three
Phoebe
“Morning, boss,” June greets me with a sing-song voice.
“Very subtle,” I reply dryly, though I can’t stop the grin spreading over my face.
“You ready for the storm?” June wonders, and I frown.