I nearly dropped my cup as my heart turned in my chest. “Me?”
“Yes, you. My science lab partner who was pretty and funny and easy to be with, who liked me for me instead of for some illusion she saw. It’s weird that I thought that about you when I pulled the illusion over on you just like I did with everyone else, but even though you didn’t know the truth, I kind of felt like you did. I almost told you a thousand times.”
“You should have,” I said as my throat choked up. “You could have. I would have listened.”
“See? I knew that. Even then, I just knew.” Holden shook his head. He stopped walking and turned to face me. “Mina, I asked you to the prom because I wanted to go with you. I really did. I know I haven’t given you a reason to believe that for ten years, but I wanted to be with you that night. I was even thinking about telling you about Caleb.” He paused. “And okay, I was also hoping that we’d at least make out.”
Emotions were tumbling around inside me like clothes in a dryer. Sadness, excitement, empathy, dread. I tossed my ice-cold cup into the nearest trash and hugged my arms around myself as if I could protect myself. “Holden, tell me what happened.”
He sighed. “This is the part that doesn’t make me look very good. On prom night, I got drunk.”
I blinked at him. “Drunk?”
He nodded. He looked tense and miserable as he spoke. “I was getting dressed in my room, getting ready to pick you up. Caleb came in with a bottle of tequila and said we should have a shot to celebrate.”
“Was that what you two usually did?”
“No. I was an athlete. I stayed away from alcohol and drugs. I could see what all of that was doing to my brother. He wasn’t interested in hanging out with me anyway, because I was five years younger. But that night, he decided we should drink.”
I thought that over. “So you took the shot.”
“Yes. And then another one. I was nervous about picking you up, and Caleb was convincing. He put some music on. I thought he would leave my room after the second shot, but he didn’t. He just sprawled on my bed and poured more shots.”
“And you drank them.”
Holden slowly scratched his jaw. “I could blame Caleb. I think he was fucking with me. I think he came into my room that night because part of him didn’t want me to be happy, to go and have a fun, normal time at senior prom. I think part of him wanted me to be as unhappy and as empty as he was. That’s why he came into my room that night of all nights, ready to get me drunk.” He dropped his hand. “But it was me who took those drinks. The more drunk I got, the more drinking seemed like a really good idea. Then I realized I was in no shape to take you to prom anymore. I was a mess, and I sure as hell couldn’t drive. So why not have some more?”
I blinked at him. “So that’s it?” I asked. “After all that humiliation and ten years of silence, your explanation is ‘I got hammered?’”
Holden was silent for a long minute, looking past me into the park. His expression was so bleak it carved a hole in my heart.
Then he seemed to pull himself together, and he looked at me again.
“Yes,” he said. “That’s the explanation.”
Something about this wasn’t quite right, though I couldn’t put my finger on it. I didn’t think that Holden was lying; I thought maybe he was leaving something out. “So you just drank in your bedroom all night?” I asked.
“No. Caleb took me out to a bar with some of his friends from the restaurant business. I was still wearing my dress shirt and pants, though I hadn’t had time to put my tie on. They poured drinks into me until I puked. I passed out in the backseat of a car—I don’t remember who was driving—and then I puked again in our driveway when I got out. The last thing I remember is thinking I would take a shower. I woke up hours later, dressed and covered in puke, curled up in the bathtub.”
It was convincing. It was most likely true. But he was leaving something out. I was sure of it.
“So when you woke up, you didn’t think to call me and apologize?” I said. “Or come by my house? Or write me a letter?”
“I was so fucking embarrassed,” Holden said, his voice hoarse. “I knew deep down how much I’d hurt you. I couldn’t face it. I was a coward. I knew it, but I couldn’t make myself do anything about it. I was a coward, and I stayed a coward.”
I swallowed. “Your parents must have been impressed.”
“They were livid. I’ve never seen them so angry. They thought I was going to turn into Caleb. I thought my father was actually tempted to hit me, he was so mad. Caleb thought the whole thing was funny, of course. He was entertained.”
Holden’s brother sounded like a manipulative asshole, but I kept that thought to myself. I hugged myself tighter. “So what else?” I said, my voice coming out harder than I planned it to.
“What do you mean?”
“There’s something you’re not telling me. Just tell me what it is. Did you meet another girl when you were out at the bar? Is that it?”
He actually looked shocked, which was almost funny. “What? No. I didn’t meet anyone at the bar.”
“Then tell me what it is, because I can’t have been this heartbroken for this long just because you got drunk. I can’t, Holden. There has to be more.”
“There isn’t.” He took a step toward me. “I’m sorry, Mina. I was just a dumb kid who made a big mistake, then never owned up to it. That’s all. I’m not a hero. I never was.”
Fourteen
Holden
After that painful meeting with Mina in Central Park, I wasn’t sure she would ever talk to me again. She would probably be smart not to. Maybe she would be better off.
Still, I hoped that once she had the chance to process it, she would want to at least text me. Because I didn’t want to let her go for the second time.
You didn’t tell her everything, the doubting voice in my head said. You should have told her everything.
But no, the voice was wrong. Telling Mina the rest of it wouldn’t have made any difference. I’d told her the most important part, at least as far as Mina was concerned. The rest of it was just details.
I worked all day Saturday, and it was a crazy shift. We had two calls for women in premature labor—one of them nearly gave birth in the ambulance. No sooner had we dropped the second woman off than we had a call for an elderly man who was having trouble breathing, and then a kid who had broken his arm on the playground. It went like that for ten hours solid, and by the time I finished my charts and got back to my apartment I was dead tired. I hadn’t heard from Mina, but I knew she had a ticket to Hamilton, so she was probably on her way to the theater. I hoped she had fun.
I had gotten out of the shower and was drying myself off when Eric texted me. We’re at The Palm Tree, he wrote. You on your way?
Right. I’d reluctantly agreed to the guys’ night out that Eric had bugged me to attend. The one that didn’t include Grim for some reason. I’d put it out of my mind all day, but Eric was insistent.
Getting dressed, I wrote. Be there in a bit.