4
Go Big or Go Home
The cup of coffee in my hands was warm, the smile on my face was wide, and my heart was so fucking bright, I could have been shooting sunbeams out of my eyeballs.
I sat on my kitchen counter on New Year’s Day, listening to Dex go on about the party.
“You’ve got to do it again,” he insisted. “Did you see social? I think you broke the internet.”
With a laugh, I shook my head. “You guys are giving me too much credit.”
“Don’t be modest, Stell. It wasn’t a fluke—look at what you did at the Victory Party. You’re too good at this to stop.”
I sighed. “It was so much fun to put together. I want to feel that way forever. I want to live in that feeling.”
“See? It makes you happy. You can’t quit something that makes you happy,” he said with a sideways smile.
“I really do suck at that, don’t I?”
“Lucky for me.”
“I did have a thought that I could do one every New Year’s Eve. A mysterious benefactor throws elaborate parties, and no one will ever know who it is.”
“We’ll put it on your tombstone. I was Cecelia Beaton.” He took a sip of his coffee.
The thought dawned on me slowly, catching everything it touched on fire. “Why stop there? God, that feeling—I want an IV of it. I’d give anything to feel this way always. Because inside of that feeling, it's impossible to be sad. The real world doesn’t exist, only that moment and the beauty of it.”
I paused, chest aching. I wanted to live in that feeling forever.
And I had the means to make that happen.
Betty interrupted my thoughts when she shuffled out from the hallway that led to our bedrooms, half asleep. When she blinked her eyes all the way open and saw Dex, she paused and made a face. Before she started for us again, she’d wiped it clean.
“Look at that. Dex in the daytime. I thought one of those other girls might have been a vampire. Turned you into the rabid bat we always knew you were.”
“God, you’re a riot,” he deadpanned.
Betty pushed the button on the espresso machine and yawned so big, I thought I saw down her lungs.
“Where’s your boy?” I asked, taking a sip of my coffee.
“She probably kicked him out as soon as she was done consuming his soul,” Dex answered.
“Takes one to know one,” Betty said sweetly. “He’s still asleep. So are you going to leave, Dex, or do we need to remove you by force?”
“By you?”
She shrugged. “I’ve got a Taser, and Zeke slept over. He’s stronger than he looks.”
“Betty,” I said, “drink your coffee.”
Grumbling, she turned back to the machine.
“You know, I think that’s my cue.” Dex stood from his chair at the island and walked around to settle himself between my legs. “And I’ll see you tonight.”
“Hope so.”
He kissed me briefly, maybe because he heard Betty slide a knife out of the block. They eyed each other as he passed, but when he opened the door, he gave me a hot look and another stupid wink and disappeared.
I sighed happily.
Betty glared at me. “Ew. Just ew, Stella.”
“Ew yourself.”
“I love you, and I’ll support you through whatever dumb bullshit you do. But you were so close to walking away last night, and I cannot pretend like I’m not really annoyed about it.”
“Oh, thank God I missed Ex Dex,” Zeke said as he entered. “I can’t believe you let him stay here. I can’t believe you let him talk you back into this fuckery.” He extended a hand toward Betty. “Coffee.”
Betty rolled her eyes, but she gave him her cup and pushed the button for another. “See? I’m not the only one who hates that stupid ass.”
“I know. Trust me, I know. And I’m, like, ninety-four percent sure it’s all going to go down in flames, but after he begged me last night?” Another sigh. It was like I was going for a record. “One more shot.”
Zeke shook his head. “And what exactly is your best-case scenario?”
“I’m not even going to say. It’s so stupid, it’s the other four percent.”
“You’re asking for it, Stella Spencer. He’s going to hurt you, and you know it.”
I groaned, saying, “I know, I know,” into my hands.
“He is the slipperiest sonofabitch on the planet,” Betty spat. “You were sooo close.”
“And who knew Dominique would be the one to change your mind?” Zeke asked. “I mean, I’d expect it if the sense had been slapped into you. But she wasn’t even violent. Baffling.”
My heart twisted at the memory. “I know. But I know how Dex feels. I know what he can give me and what he can’t. He begged me last night. Begged. He showed up and made some promises. So as mentioned, I’m going to give him one more chance. He’s going to be more discreet—”
Zeke snorted.
“And he’s going to give me more of him. Like him staying the night.”
“So he’s going to act like you matter to him ten percent more than yesterday?” Betty asked.
Zeke waved his hand. “Stop it with the math.”
“So I’ve been thinking about what you asked me before, Betty. About the three must-haves?”
“Oh, I forgot about that. But past me was smart. Let’s hear it.”
“The first? Honesty. I can’t be with a liar—I just can’t. And Dex has never lied to me.”
Betty made an impatient snuffling sound.
“The second is respect.” Both of their mouths opened to argue, but I held my hand up. “He showed me last night that he respects me enough to compromise.”
“That’s horseshit, but continue,” Zeke said.
“The last—communication. And last night, when I was finally honest with him about how I felt, he talked to me, and he listened. All of this means growth. It means he wants to try. He fought for me when it mattered, and that warrants a second chance. I promise—promise—that if any one of those things breaks down, I’m out. I’ve got a foot out the door, and I swear to you, I will take the step all the way out at the first sign of any fuckery. And if I don’t, I give you my full permission to do whatever it takes to help me see sense.”
“Anything?” Zeke asked with one brow raised.
“Anything,” I promised.
Betty and Zeke glanced at each other. A silent conversation passed between them.
“All right,” Zeke said, turning to me. “We will let you fuck up just this once. But I’m already planning ways to torture you for the next time.”
“Thank you,” I said politely. “So Dex and I were talking about the party—”
“Can we at least ban his name?” Betty whined. “Call him Flex.”
“Hex,” Zeke offered.
“Ex Dex, copyright Zeke,” Betty said definitively. “Use the power of manifestation against him.”
Zeke nodded emphatically.
“Anyway, I definitely want to do this again, don’t you?”