“No thank you, your fluffing services will not be required tonight.” To be fair, they had been on several occasions throughout the tour. “Quite the opposite, in fact. I need you to scooch back to your dressing room for the last few minutes before we go on.”
Even though the three of us were very firmly together, while on the road, I still maintained my own dressing room, for moments exactly like this, while the guys still shared one, just like they shared everything. That got him putting his phone down in his lap and focusing on me. “You okay, baby? Do you need something?” The look of concern on his face made my heart skip.
“No, thanks. I’m fine, I promise. I just need a minute.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive, now scram.” I made a shooing motion, smiling all the while, to reassure him that everything was okay. It really was. He hesitated again, eyeing me suspiciously. “I mean it, go. I’ll see you both out there.”
“Okay. Catch you later. Oh, and Quin?”
“Yeah?”
“All the love.”
“All the love.” I air-kissed his way, then shooed him again.
I really was okay, and I did just need a moment to collect myself, and gather my wits. Something about coming to the end of a tour got to me, regardless of the circumstances, even on my solo tours, before the guys were in my life. But given the way that the Bowed and Dangerous tour had ended, my cage was even more rattled. I didn’t really believe in omens, but if I did, someone keeling over and nearly dying on stage—someone I loved, and still did love, deeply—wasn’t exactly a good one.
I took a final look in the mirror, gave myself one last internal pep talk, and was led out to my side of the stage by Zoey, the Stage Manager. We’d already had our pre-show huddle with the entire crew, with thank yous and final words of encouragement for us to each give it our all, one last time.
Afterwards we’d have an after party—where we’d break the “dry” backstage rule for the first time of the entire tour—and that’s where we’d do the formal thank yous, gifts, awards, and speeches. All that remained now was for us to head out there and sing and play like our lives depended on it.
I didn’t see King until I’d almost bowled into him, but I managed to pull up at the last minute.
“What are you doing here?” The guys started on one side of the stage, while I started before them on the other, so normally, after we left our dressing rooms, I didn’t see them until they joined me in the spotlight.
“Rome told me something was up with you, so I came to make sure you’re okay.” For two guys who had reputations as total badasses—which they’d legitimately earned—they could be the sweetest, most doting boyfriends, and it still sometimes caught me by surprise.
“I’m fine. You need to get back to your side, or we’ll be late going on.”
“Fuck the schedule. I don’t care if we’re an hour late, or we never make it out there, if you’re not okay, I’m not okay, Rome’s not okay, and the show’s not happening.”
“Seriously, it’s honestly nothing. Rome shouldn’t have even mentioned it to you.” I knew it was the wrong choice of words as soon as they were out of my mouth.
A spark of anger flashed in King’s bright blue eyes. “The hell he shouldn’t. Why would he keep that from me? What other secrets have you asked him to keep?” Good lord.
“Jesus, King, would you turn the paranoia down a notch, please? If you came here to try to put me at ease, you’ve failed, because this little display of jealous machismo is only making me feel more on edge. There was actually nothing wrong beyond a little last-night jitters. That’s why I said he shouldn’t have mentioned it, because there was nothing to tell, and because that would have avoided all of this.” I waved my hand in his general direction.
“Fuck. You’re right. Sorry.” He looked it.
“Don’t be. It’s all good, now go on back to your side of the stage.”
“You’re sure you’re okay?” I gave him a look that I hoped conveyed, “Ask me that again, and you’re getting a punch in the dick,” and that seemed to convince him.
“Okay, okay, I’m going. But Q?”
“Yeah?” He took a step closer, slipped his arms around me, and spoke into the crook of my neck.
“You’re going to kill it, because you’re a queen. You’re our queen. All the love.” There was that heart flip again.
“All the love.”
As far as omens went, apart from the whole Rome nearly dying thing, musically speaking, final tour dates were actually turning out to be our jam. To say we killed it was an understatement. We nailed it to the wall, so hard, it was never coming down. We all played for our lives, to the point where even I was surprised we had it in us. We’d been phenomenal that last night in Spain, before Rome collapsed, but this performance made that one look like amateur hour.
As the stage lights dimmed, and the guys started playing the first strains of Light and Shade, I strode to center-stage, and motioned for a spotlight. The guys looked on in confusion—quite rightly so, as they had no idea what I had planned.
When the spotlight came on, I took one last deep breath, then went for the plunge.
“Good evening everyone, so glad you could be here tonight, for this, the last show of the Light and Shade tour. Now, as many of you may know, we don’t have a great track record as a band with end of tour speeches”—a snicker blew through the arena—“but I’m going to try it again, just for shits and giggles. I mean, what could possibly go wrong, right?” More laughter.
“Just over two years ago, we”—I motioned to the guys with my bow—“were three strangers thrown together to try to make music as a trio. Little did we know then, that after two tours, two albums, two trips around the world, and countless hours traveling in each other’s pockets, we’d be voluntarily spending as much time together as we do.” I looked across again at their shocked faces, and flashed them a goofy grin.
“More about that in a moment, but first, let me say working with these guys has been an honor and a privilege. They are legitimately two of the most talented and hardworking musicians in the world, yet also two of the humblest—musically, at least.” Cue more chuckles.
“They are also incredibly generous and giving of their talents, for which I am eternally grateful. However, if there’s one thing I’m really appreciative of, it’s the qualities they’ve shared with me off stage.” The laughter built to hysteria. “Get your minds out of the gutter. I’m talking about their zest for life, and willingness to grab it by the balls and give it hell every day. I’m talking about the way they fearlessly take risks, try new things, push themselves, and grow.” I waited a beat, and took a breath.
“And it’s those qualities I’m channeling as I stand here, ready to share some very personal things with you. No doubt everybody here has seen that video tape, and knows the outcome of criminal and civil cases that followed.” I shuddered at the thought of the whole ordeal.
“And I’m sure a bunch of you have also read the New Music Times article, so you already know a lot of what I’m going to say, but even though I don’t owe anyone any explanations, I feel I want to speak out on this, again. Embracing the fearlessness with which these two men live their lives, I want to stand here and tell you that I love Anthony Kingston, and Roman Ivanenko with my whole heart, and they love me back.” I took a deep breath—I’d gone too far to turn back.