“Sure,” Britt said and carried the bottle to the table. “I can take it from here. Thanks, Jennifer.”
“Of course! Bye-bye, sweet angel!” She kissed Millie again and then handed her to Britt. “I’ll see you on Monday. Or…” Jennifer hesitantly met Brittany’s eyes.
Britt sighed and rubbed at the ache in her neck and shoulders with one hand. Was she prepared to really and truly let Jennifer into their lives? Millie was better now. She’d be able to go back to daycare. Tuition for the next month was due in five days. Britt needed to make a choice.
The amount of money she could save would be, well, life-changing. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that fact since Monday afternoon when Jennifer had offered to help. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about going to school either.
The silence between Brittany and Jennifer stretched on long enough to make the air uncomfortable. Britt cleared her throat and made a decision. “Let’s try it for a month.”
Jennifer let out a sigh of relief. “You know, Millie could come to my place sometimes, too.”
Britt stiffened. “No.”
“Of course.” Jennifer held up her hands and backed toward the front door. “You know, Justin doesn’t live there. Well, I mean, he stays there sometimes, but he’s usually gone on trips and —”
“No,” Britt said again, more forcefully. Deep breaths. She could feel her heart rate picking up at just the mention of his name.
Millie started to fuss in her arms. Brittany took a deep breath and looked at her daughter. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, you’re hungry, huh?” She turned to Jennifer and said, “I don’t want any contact with him. I need you to understand that if this is going to work.” Was that even a reasonable thing to say? How could she expect to keep Millie away from Justin and the destruction he left in his wake when his mother was giving her free childcare?
This was crazy. Britt was about to call the whole thing off, when Jennifer nodded, with sadness in her eyes. “I understand. I’ll see you on Monday.” And then she was gone.
Britt sighed and rubbed at the back of her neck again. She carried Millie and the bottle over to the futon and slipped the nipple into her mouth. Millie sucked and then sputtered. Britt angled Millie higher and tried again. This time Millie sucked and then spat up.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Britt bit her lip. Should she keep trying to feed Millie? If Millie didn’t eat this formula within the hour, Brittany would have to throw it out. She couldn’t afford to throw out any formula.
What if Millie didn’t eat? She wouldn’t go to sleep on an empty stomach. If Millie didn’t sleep, then Britt wouldn’t sleep. If Britt didn’t sleep, again she’d mess up at work. If she messed up at work, Lisa would be pissed. If Lisa got pissed at her one more time…
Britt gritted her teeth as her heart continued racing. Stop. Please. She couldn’t calm herself.
Britt was frozen in place, riding the relentless waves of panic and worry. A hungry wolf could burst into their apartment and snatch Millie out of her arms, and Britt still wouldn’t be able to move. Oh, God. Why did this keep happening?
This episode passed more quickly than the one on Monday. It only took five minutes for Britt to regain control of her breathing. By then, Millie was only whimpering, not screaming. Britt tried to force the bottle back into Millie’s mouth. Tough luck. She sighed and stood to set the bottle on the table. Maybe Millie would want it after her bath.
Britt carried Millie into the bathroom and set her on the worn, pink rug in front of the tub. A cockroach scurried out of sight when Brittany pulled back the shower curtain. She gagged and covered her mouth. “God, I hate this place! Millie girl, we gotta get out of here.” Millie sucked on her fingers and stared up at Britt with her big brown eyes.
Britt plugged the tub, cringing as she expected the cockroach to emerge from the drain. It didn’t. She turned on some warm water and undressed Millie as they waited for the tub to fill. When the tub was ready, Britt placed Millie inside and gently scrubbed her soft skin and silky, golden hair. Millie giggled and splashed.
Britt smiled. “You love bath time, don’t you sweet girl?” Then her smile slipped away. “I’m going to get you out of here. I promise.”
Millie didn’t want to eat after her bath either, so, with tears burning the corners of her eyes, Britt was forced to dump the formula. After coughing for a few minutes, Millie settled down in her crib and fell asleep on an empty stomach.
Britt sank onto the bed next to her and powered up her ancient laptop. The fall semester at Sandor Community College started in four weeks. There was still time to sign up. Britt had completed a few AP and concurrent enrollment classes in high school, so she was already halfway finished with her AS degree. She could do the rest in a year or two if she did night and summer classes.
Then in another few years, she could have a BS degree and then… and then, life would be better.
Ugh. Millie would be five years old by the time she finished. Tears burned the corners of Britt’s eyes again. She whispered, “I can’t do this.” Then she glanced at Millie’s angelic, sleeping face. She watched the way her eyelids fluttered, and her little fingers grasped her blanket. Britt let out a deep, shuddering breath. “No. I can do this. I have to do this.”
She clicked on the AS degree requirements and scanned the page, checking off the courses she’d already finished. Then, Britt moved on to the enrollment page. With shaking hands, she typed in all of her information and clicked send.
“Millie,” she whispered, “It’s going to be okay. Mama’s got this. Mama’s got you.”
But who had Britt?
***
Monday morning, Britt stood across from Jennifer and took a deep breath. “Can you do…” Britt chewed her lower lip and started again. “Can you do Thursday nights, too? I signed up for some classes at Sandor Community College. One of them is online, but I signed up late, so the other is on campus.”
An admissions counselor had invited Brittany in for a meeting one week after she’d submitted her information. The email said they were excited to welcome such a “bright and capable student on board!” But Britt saw the judgment in the counselor’s eyes when she showed up with Millie.
Britt wanted to take online classes, but most of the ones she needed were no longer available — aside from her English 2020 course. She could take a class on campus, or wait until next semester. Britt was tired of waiting, so she’d signed up for Intro to Web Design on Thursday nights. Now she prayed that Jennifer could watch Millie.
Jennifer smiled. “Sure! Thursday nights are great! Millie can watch The Bachelor with me!”
Britt narrowed her eyes. “Millie’s bedtime is 7:30.”
Jennifer nodded. “Oh, of course. I was only joking.”
Britt sighed and tried to take a deep breath. She was the only one that had ever put Millie to bed. That was her special time with her daughter.
“Brittany,” Jennifer hesitantly began, “I know this is hard for you, but I’ll take good care of Millie. I’ll make sure she’s safe and fed and loved.”
Britt nodded and turned to wipe a tear away. “Um, thank you. So, classes start next week, and the class goes from 7:00-9:00. Is that okay?”