Last night I begged for silence and the physical reassurance that I’m still that woman he fell in love with. I’m still that woman enraptured in all things Griffin Calloway. Last night I needed to lose myself in us, overwhelmed with the need to shut out everything beyond our four walls.
Today I will return to Nate’s house with its haunting memories of me clinging to him, the familiarity of his embrace, and the most haunting part of all … I think Nate may be right.
I’m Daisy.
Griffin inspects me in silence as he sips his green protein drink.
My lungs reach for a breath of courage. I owe him an explanation. He gave me everything last night, without question. “If I walk away from this job…” I slowly trace the pad of my finger over the rim of my coffee mug “…it won’t change the memories I have of the past.”
His expression hardens ever so slightly. Silent and stoic.
“I don’t want you to get mad at me. But I don’t want to lie to you either. This walking-on-eggshells thing won’t work forever. You ask me about my day, and…” I shake my head, shake off the pain that’s suffocating me “…I know it’s not small talk. You really want to know about my day—about me.”
I reach across the table, resting my hand on his. He stares at our hands with a blank look.
“And I love you so much for that. But this other person in my head keeps stealing minutes from my day, making it her day. So when you ask me that question, I feel like the truth will pull us apart, but so will a lie. So …” I shrug. “It hurts—” Tears burn my eyes, but I don’t give them life. “The thought of losing you is unbearable.”
His gaze crawls along the table between us, making its way to meet mine. I see my whole world in his eyes, but when I close mine, I see many worlds. Immutable images. I feel deep love and loss. And I hear voices that won’t be silenced.
“Right now … who are you?” he asks.
I ease out of my chair and slide my leg over his lap, putting us face to face. “I’m Swayze.”
And I am. Right now. With him. I’m Swayze Samuels. Daughter to Krista. Fiancée to Griffin. Nanny to Morgan. And employee to Professor Nathaniel Hunt.
The line is there. I can see it. But I fear that time will blur it.
“I love you.” He brushes his lips over mine.
Swayze. He loves the girl he saved in the grocery store. That’s who he wants to marry. I want to be her. She has the perfect man. A future filled with promise. A loving family. Health. Youth. Endless possibilities.
“She loves you too.” I softly kiss his top lip and then his bottom lip.
Griffin shakes his head, fingers curling into my hips. “Don’t say that. Don’t talk in some fucking third person like a schizophrenic.”
I frame his face to stop his head shaking. “I love you. I’m going to marry you.” These words are for him, but they’re also for me.
If I lost an arm, I’d still be me. If I shaved my head, I’d still be me. If I lost all memories, I’d still be me. I need to carry this one absolute truth with me at all times.
“I have to get to work. Let’s go out for dinner tonight and plan a wedding.”
After a few blinks, Griffin surrenders something resembling a smile. “Good idea. I don’t want a long engagement.” He nuzzles his face into my neck.
I hug him. This is the only embrace I want comforting me for the rest of my life.
*
I pull into Nate’s driveway a few minutes early and call the detective working on Erica’s case. He tells me there’s too much inconclusive evidence to question Doug Mann any further. There was no sign of foul play. It was an accident. Case closed.
She slipped and hit her head while getting into the bathtub and she drowned.
Daisy drowned. Daisy’s death was an accident.
Except … my memories tell a different story.
I take a deep breath to calm my anger before opening the door to Nate’s house. “Good morning.”
“Shh … in my office.”
I peek around the corner. “She’s still asleep?”
Nate glances up as he slips his laptop into his messenger bag. “Yes. She was up earlier. For whatever reason, she wanted to smile and giggle at 4:00 a.m.” He fists a hand over his mouth to hide his yawn. “I’m going to feel it later today.”
I offer him a hint of a smile, trying to move past last night and everything the detective just told me.
“Did you sleep well?” Nate saunters toward me.
I turn and lead the way to the kitchen. “Well enough.” Not that well. Sex. I had endless sex with Griffin until my mind let go of what happened here, with you, Nate.
“Coffee?” He holds up the pot before filling his cup.
“Just had some, but thank you.”
He pours it and brings the cup to his mouth, eyeing me with an unreadable expression. “You seem distracted.”
An understatement.
“Can I ask you something?”
Nate takes a sip and rubs his lips together. “You can ask me anything.”
“If I admit that I’m Daisy, can we forget about it?”
His eyebrows shoot up his forehead, brushing his wayward curls. “You believe it?”
I shrug. “For lack of any other explanation … yes.”
His chin dips into a contemplative nod. “You didn’t just wake up this morning with recognition of her life?”
“No.”
He fails at masking his disappointment.
“I feel like you want me to admit that I’m her. The books in your nightstand confirm it.”
There’s not an ounce of shock on his face. He knows I’ve been snooping.
“I think there’s a chance that you’re right. And I’m not sure what the protocol is for this, but no matter what memories I have from another life, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m Swayze Samuels in this life.”
“So you want to forget about everything?”
I grunt a painful laugh. “I don’t think I have the option to forget anything. Unless they invent an off switch for the brain. I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ll try to keep all of my comments relevant to things I would know about you in this life, and you’ll stop looking at me like …”
“Like?” He slips an apple and protein bar into the back pocket of his bag.
“Like … I don’t know. Like anything other than the twenty-one-year-old nanny that I am.”
“You want us to pretend.”
“No … yes. When you say it that way it sounds ridiculous. You know what I mean.”
His teeth rake along his lower lip several times while he eyes me. “This is causing problems between you and Griffin?”
My gaze drops to my feet. “Sometimes. I don’t want to lose him. It’s not fair to ask him to share me with another life. It’s insane to ask him to understand. And I’m tired of feeling ripped down the middle.”
“Okay.”
My head snaps up. “Okay?”
Nate nods. “We won’t talk of it again. Your happiness comes first.”
“Don’t say that. An employer wouldn’t say that.”
He chuckles. “I disagree. A good employer would want a happy employee.”