“Sign it now.” The grimness in his face was impenetrable. He handed a pen to her.
Frowning, she flashed her eyes over the contents a second time, scribbled her name and flung it back at him. The baby’s whining grew louder. She rose to get him, glancing back over her shoulder.
Jake's eyes locked on hers. “What's the problem? I want this over with as soon as possible. Don't you?”
She rolled her eyes, disappearing into the bedroom.
The rising irritation dissolved once she caressed Alex's silky curls. “Was that a smile? Is it too soon?” she called out unable to contain the mounting excitement.
“I think he was smiling at me!” Jake teased, ruffling her hair as she settled down next to him with Alex in her arms.
“Who would smile at you?” Struggling to keep her lips from curling into a huge grin, she gave Jake a hard pinch. After a short silence, she remembered another troubling issue. “Now that Nick's dead, I have to handle our properties. Logan wanted the condo here listed with a realtor and I have to handle the Brooklyn one also.” She huffed at Jake’s muffled groan.
“Whatever, baby. Handle your joint business and all that divorce stuff since he’s locked up, but after he's out and you're divorced that’s all history. Just remember, once we’re married, you're all mine—no more Logan period. Okay?” He held her face close to his.
“Okay.” It was a slow, forced response and she couldn’t hide how uncomfortable his ultimatum made her. “And what about you?” Cuddling the baby, she avoided looking up at Jake.
“What about me? You know I'm committed to you. I always have been. Why, you don't trust me?” A haze of pain spread across his face.
“I just wanted to hear you say it.”
The walls were closing in on her. As the heat rose, she staggered to her feet for Alex’s bottle.
“I'll get it.” He gently took her arm, restraining her. “I am very serious. And you better be too,” he called back walking away.
She rocked Alex without answering.
“Did you hear me?” He sat down next to her, handing over the baby's bottle. In an instant, eager slurping noises filled the air. Jake took his time, his eyes warming as he watched his son. “When you agreed to marry me, you sealed that commitment. I don't take marriage lightly and you shouldn't either. It may have been a game with him, but it'll be different with me. I'm giving you a chance to back out now. After that, if I ever catch you with him, he's dead. Ok?”
Okay? How was killing him okay? She swallowed hard. “Yes.”
“Good. Oh, and if something goes wrong, and you don't keep your word, after I kill him, I can't say what I'll do to you.” He gave her his most deadly serious look, then broke into a wide grin.
She wasn't convinced by the grin, and gave it some thought. “I love you.”
“That's not the answer I'm looking for Kristen. Well?”
With a deep breath she met his gaze. “I'm committed to you too Jake...” She gulped, lifting the baby to her chest. “And I want to marry you, but...” His frown warned her he wasn't buying it.
“But?’ The frown deepened. Fidgeting from mounting uneasiness he unscrewed another beer bottle, downing most of it.
Aware she had to find a way to convey her fears, she gazed at the baby’s happy face, found the strength she needed and exhaled. “Remember those red flags we spoke about after we met?” Not giving Jake a chance to interrupt, she rushed on while she still had the courage. “I feel like you’re trying to control me.” Now’s the time Kristen—tell him the rest. “And I won’t deal with that anymore.” From anyone.
The dreadful silence compelled her to glance up at him. Although it appeared he was lost in another world, his dull eyes were glued on her. The unusual, passive reaction made it much harder for her and she couldn't stand it.
“Jake…are you gonna say something?”
“I don't know Kristen. What do you want me to say—forget it, give the ring back? You're a free woman, do what you want. You always do anyway.” He took Alex from her intending to burp him, then realized he needed to calm down first. Instead he held him tightly and marched across the room.
“No! That's not what I meant, or what I want...” Don't start that crying shit again Kristen, stay strong!
How could she convince him if she wasn’t sure what she really meant or wanted herself? All she knew with any certainty was she couldn’t walk on egg shells for the rest of her life.
“Then explain it to me Kristen. I'm listening.” Desperate to get her to open up to him, he stepped out of range, tapping Alex’s back lightly while peeking at her.
She wanted to run. “Lots of people stay friends with their former spouses...”
That does it! He exploded. “I knew it! This has to do with fucking Logan all over again! Why don't we just forget it! Stay with him!” In a fury, he lurched out of reach when she got too close, accidentally jerking the baby awake. He began to cry. They both froze, staring at him. With urgent rocking and cooing, Jake managed to lull him back to sleep. On the way back to the crib, he couldn’t help glancing at her, his eyes moist and helpless. When he returned to the living room his mood had changed. With his arms folded across his chest, he motioned for her to sit down. He followed, sinking down across from her.
“What do you want from me Kristen?” He mumbled, sadness etched into his face.
“I just don't want to be scared of you Jake...” Close to tears, the words fell from her mouth. At that moment she became aware of one of her greatest insecurities. Astounded by the impact it had on her, she stopped short, reflecting. Too surprised to speak, Jake stared and waited.
“Every time you blow up…I need to be sure you won't hurt me, no matter how mad you get. I don’t want to feel like you're trying to intimidate or overpower me. I won’t live like that.”
Floored by the revelation, Jake shook his head, gazing into her eyes “And you shouldn’t have to. I'm sorry if I'm such a big, scary brute.” The sarcasm behind his words quickly turned into sullenness. They were quiet for a while. She distracted herself with the sound of his heavy breathing, startled when he finally continued talking again.
“So you want to be friends with him, is that it? That's not the problem, Kristen. The problem is, you can't just be friends. Neither can he, and you know it. The problem is he’s bad news and every fucking time you are with him you fuck him or you get hurt or someone else does. Why aren't you scared of him? Why is it always me?”
Her mouth fell open as she listened, unable to ignore the extra energy he put into controlling himself. Despite the effort he exerted, she still heard the wild thumping of his heart inside a chest that heaved harder with every word. Denying those words couldn’t help her anymore.
He is right, everyone sees it. When will I? Why can’t I? Her eyes went blank.
“You know I'm right, don't you?”
Stunned back to the present, she gazed at him, but her mind was still far away. It was obvious she had to make a crucial decision fast.
“Yes, I know—but that’s not what it’s really about, Jake. It’s about us and I need you to understand me. I am asking you to stop treating me like I’m your possession…I’m asking you to help me.”