I try not to move, to allow my body to rest so that I can have as much strength as possible to deal with what is headed my way.
I have no doubt at all whatsoever that I have the fight of my life coming and I need to be rested and fully prepared for it to occur any fucking minute.
STEPHANIE
I don’t sleep. I try, but I can’t. Louis demands that I come back to his house. He has more space than the others, and his baby is coming, but it’s not here yet, so his house is quieter. It doesn’t matter how quiet or loud it is, I simply cannot sleep.
Beaumont arrived and before he even went home, he came straight to Ford’s ranch and was updated on everything that happened. The anger that crossed his face, the pain that replaced it when he found out that this was probably going to get really fucking ugly, it broke me all over again.
There’s a knock on my bedroom door, sitting straight up, I call out for whoever it is to enter. It’s Tulip, her big belly entering the room before the rest of her. I smile at the sight of her. She’s simply gorgeous, and if ever the pregnant glowing thing was true, it certainly is for her.
“I brought you some coffee. I just knew you couldn’t be sleeping,” she says softly as she makes her way over to the bed.
I scoot over and dip my chin to her. Reaching out, I take one of the mugs from her grasp as she climbs up on the bed.
“Hot chocolate,” she says as she lifts her mug to her lips. “I miss my coffee, but this is a close second.”
Taking a drink from my cup, I moan as the delicious roast hits my lips. “I put a little chocolate and milk in it. Louis doesn’t like creamer and I haven’t used any in so long, I didn’t have any left to give you. I hope that’s okay?”
“It’s amazing,” I whisper.
“How are you? I mean, I know the guys have been helping, but how are you, really?”
I think about her question. How am I? Terrified? Miserable? There are no words to describe it, and yet, I feel selfish for feeling any of it, because I’m safe and Ford’s not. It’s all my fault too, all of this.
“I feel like a bitch,” I admit.
She frowns but doesn’t push me for more right away. I know that she wants to hear it though, so I let out a sigh and explain myself.
“I’m here safe and he’s not. It’s all my fault. This mess is all because of me, and he’s the one suffering.”
She doesn’t say anything right away, but then she takes her hand and covers mine with it. “You’re not selfish. Trust me when I tell you that Ford wouldn’t want this any other way. He would not want you to be the one in danger, ever. He would gladly take the brunt of whatever is being thrown his way to keep you safe. You have to know that.”
“Yeah,” I breathe as tears fill my eyes again. “I do.”
Tulip’s fingers lace in mine and we stay there in silence drinking our hot drinks for a few more minutes. “The girls are going to want to stay with you while the boys go out later. And the boys will want everyone safe and together, just in case.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“I’m just saying, because as a group we can be overwhelming sometimes, but everyone is going to want to know details and they’ll all be terrified.”
“They love Ford,” I mutter.
“And you.”
Shaking my head, I dip my chin and look down into my half-empty cup. “No, not me. Him. I get it, too. I turned my back on the most wonderful man I’ve ever known. I ran from him, then I did it again, and this time he was taken because of me. I don’t even know if he’s still alive. I can feel it in my gut that something really bad has happened.”
“You’re just scared,” she whispers.
We don’t say anything else, in fact, we sit in silence as we stare straight ahead, only moving to bring our mugs to our lips. I don’t know how much time passes, but that’s exactly how Louis finds us.
His lips twitch into a smile. “Guys will be here in about fifteen. You girls gonna get up?” he asks, his eyes flicking from one of us to the other, back and forth.
“Yeah,” Tulip sighs.
Without even having to be asked, Louis rushes to her side and helps her off of the bed. “I am ready to meet this little one,” she groans.
“Soon, right?” I ask, still staring into space.
“Just a few days,” she whispers.
We don’t say anything else as they walk out of my room, closing the door behind them. Fifteen minutes. It doesn’t seem like very much time, but honestly, it feels like a lifetime without Ford. Every minute that passes feels like an hour.
Slowly, I roll out of bed and head into the bathroom to get ready for the day. I don’t know what I’m getting ready for. I know that none of these men will allow me to join them.
I’m going to be stuck pacing the living room, being watched by the women who love Ford, and although they’d never say it, they’ll be blaming me subconsciously.
I don’t bother dressing up. Grabbing the shorts and t-shirt that I threw in my bag, I pull them on before I slip my feet into a pair of shoes. I let out a heavy sigh as I throw my hair up in a messy bun and for the first time in probably a decade, I walk toward a room full of people completely barefaced.
“Oh, Stephanie,” Channing whimpers as soon as I step foot into the living room.
Without any warning, she launches herself at me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and starts to cry. Pinching my eyes closed, I try not to let my own tears fall. I am so tired of crying already. All I want to do is have Ford back, all of him, in one piece.
Channing takes a step back and I watch as she wipes the wetness from her eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m just… it’s Ford,” she whispers.
“Yeah,” I agree.
“How are you doing?” Exeter asks.
I shrug a shoulder, unsure of what to say. “I don’t know how I feel, I’m numb,” I admit.
The women are quiet, and I’m thankful when the room fills with the men. The doorbell sounds and everyone’s spines straighten. I almost ask who it could be, but Louis jogs toward the door. He doesn’t even look in the peephole, he just turns the knob and tugs it open.
There, standing on his front porch is a whole mess of suited hot Russians. “Oh, my,” Hutton breathes behind me.
Oh, my is right.
“Who is in charge here?” a familiar voice demands.
Stepping away from the women, I make my way toward the door and to the side of Louis.
“Ah, there she is,” Kirill murmurs.
He pushes past Louis, or rather Louis lets him pass. I have a feeling he could stop Kirill and all of his men if he really wanted to. He allows them into his home, knowing that the help of these men could find Ford a hell of a lot faster than the four of them.
“You’ve heard nothing?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I whisper.
He nods, then lifts his head and looks over me to the men. “Is there a place we can talk?” he asks.
I know what he means. Is there a place where they can talk without women and children? I’m under no illusion that this man is not some kind of open and progressive thinker. Women are not equal, not at all.
Honestly, I don’t give a flying fuck as long as they bring Ford home. Him and his safety is all that matters to me. I’m trying not to think morbidly, trying to stay positive, but I can’t help but imagine the absolute worst.