It was a lie, of course. I knew it then, just as I knew it now. I’d been lying to both of us, and Mom had been right. I was scared. I was scared I would never be enough for Lucas. I snorted softly to myself. I’d spent my life believing I was too much; too loud, too outspoken, too brash, but when it came to being with Lucas for real, I was afraid all of that was just a thin veneer and what was underneath was not nearly deep enough or wide enough to satisfy a man like Lucas. Lucas had depths and layers—like onions, ogres, and parfaits—and even though I felt like I knew him best, I still didn’t think I knew all of him.
Me? I was a kind of ‘what you see is what you get’ girl and I doubted there would ever be enough to keep Lucas interested in me long-term.
“I can close up if you want to head home early,” Sherry said.
I frowned at her. “You closed up for me last time.”
Sherry shrugged and looked down at the bar. “I don’t mind.”
I rolled my lips together and looked at my friend. We weren’t close, just work friends, but there was something going on and if I’d been myself, I would have picked up on it before this.
“Do you need the extra money?” I asked. Okay, it was kind of rude to just ask someone if they were broke, but I wasn’t exactly a subtle conversationalist.
“Extra money doesn’t hurt,” Sherry said with a grin, but she was still hiding something.
“Hmm…what aren’t you telling me?”
Sherry shot a look over her shoulder before leaning on the bar. “Nothing. Everything’s good, great actually, I just thought, you know, you’ve been so sad since you came back and—”
“Stop,” I said, holding up my hand to hold back the drivel spilling from her mouth. “While I appreciate that you care about me, I know that’s not what is motivating this sudden dedication to your job.” I leaned closer. “So spill. What’s going on?”
She looked over her shoulder once again and I followed her gaze right to the ‘Staff Only’ door that led back to the office where our boss was no doubt pulling his hair out over the state of the books. Drinks was doing fine. It was popular and had even gotten a little boost from my fifteen seconds of fame, but Chris liked to worry about everything.
I looked back at Sherry, whose cheeks were flaming.
“Really?” I asked. “Chris?”
She shrugged and blushed more. “He’s not always so cranky.”
“Uh-huh.” I crossed my arms over my chest and watched Sherry as she squirmed.
“Nothing’s happened,” she said, drawing her finger through a wet glass ring on the bar. “We just talk and stuff as we’re packing up.”
“You haven’t even kissed him yet?”
She shook her head. “No, but…”
I could just imagine what Sherry was going to say. A late night, the lights low as they finished packing up the chairs and wiping over tables. Maybe they shared a drink and sat a little too close. Maybe a tendril of her hair fell down around her face and Chris tucked it behind her ear. Maybe his fingers lingered a little too long on her cheek, her neck. Maybe he even leaned in to kiss her, but they were interrupted by a phone call or someone banging on the front door thinking they were still open.
I smiled. I knew what those moments felt like. No, I’d never been in the exact same position, but there was an atmosphere to the moment, a stillness when the world seemed to stop and everything else faded away right before he leaned in and kissed me.
I’d specifically not let myself think about those moments with Lucas because it was those moments that felt more real than the life I was living right now. How could the fantasy possibly feel more real than real life?
“Okay,” I said with a long exhale. “I think I might head home.”
“You don’t mind?” she asked, biting her lip.
“I don’t mind,” I replied. “I’m happy for you.”
Sherry rolled her eyes. “I’m probably just imagining it—”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Don’t write it off before it even has a chance to begin. Just go with it and as long as it feels good, then enjoy it.”
“You should probably take some of your own advice,” a voice said from beside me.
I turned slowly, barely able to breathe because I recognized that voice. He shouldn’t be here. Why was he here?
I swallowed. “What’s a man like you doing in a bar like this?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light and casual.
“I’m here for you,” Lucas said.
He looked tired. He looked like I felt.
“Frankie’s just finishing up,” Sherry piped up unhelpfully. “Why don’t you two crazy kids get out of here?”
I glared daggers at Sherry, but she ignored me and smiled at Lucas.
“Maybe get her drunk,” Sherry said. “She needs to blow off some steam.”
Lucas
Frankie was a sight for sore eyes, but if I’d had any fantasies she would jump into my arms, I was sadly mistaken. She looked at me with suspicion as we walked away from the bar and she conveniently stayed just a step too far away from me so there was no accidental touching.
“Why are you here?” she asked again.
“I told you. I came for you.”
“But you have Clarissa now. You don’t need me.”
I sighed. “I don’t have Clarissa and I don’t want Clarissa. I want you, Frankie, and it’s not because you think you are my security blanket. Sure, I may have been guilty of using you like that in the past, but things have changed. I have changed and my wanting you has nothing to do with needing to feel safe and everything to do with how you make me feel.”
“Yeah, I make you feel safe.”
I stopped and tugged at my hair with a growl. “Look, I might not be making the words come out properly, but you are deliberately misinterpreting them.”
She stopped and turned back to face me. “I don’t think I am.”
“Of course you don’t because you think you are always right,” I growled out in frustration.
Her eyes widened at my outburst.
I sighed and tipped my face to the sky, trying to tamp down my frustration. “Look, I get it. I know how you see me. You think I’m this weak guy with anxiety issues. And yeah, I am, I admit it. I freak out over stupid things and let my anxiety get the better of me more times than I care to count. And yes, when you are around, my anxiety is far more manageable, but that’s not the only thing between us.” I took a breath and looked her directly in the eye. “I’m invoking BFF code of conduct, rule number one; always tell the truth. This is my truth. I am in love with you. I love spending time with you and I love listening to you talk and watching you talk to every person who comes across our path. I love having you in my arms and kissing you and I love the way your hair has a mind of its own and I love the way your brain works.
“I love the way you wake up so suddenly and how your body is moving before your brain is even functioning. I love the way you twirl a piece of hair around your finger when you’re studying and how you trail your fingers along your thigh when you’re reading a particularly spicy book.”