‘Are you comfortable, Anna?’ Eva asks.
‘Yes, thank you.’ I’m not. Mentally I have never been less comfortable than I am right now.
‘Don’t look so scared.’ With a French-manicured fingernail, she tucks her sleek dark hair behind her ears. In comparison my own nails are bitten to the quick and I tuck my hands under my thighs so she doesn’t judge me.
‘I won’t bite,’ she says.
I try to relax. The room is cosy. The white walls and shiny floors of the rest of the Institute haven’t been carried through here. Instead, the paint is the colour of butter. Bright orange pots spilling with tall leafy green plants flank the door. The turquoise chair I am sitting on is soft and deep. On the oak coffee table in front of me is a jug of water and two glasses, along with a box of tissues.
Eva scrawls into a notebook.
‘Will this take long?’ I try to keep my impatience from my voice but I’m tired and tetchy. ‘It’s just… my husband…’
‘Of course. I’ll make it as quick as I can and then hopefully we can move Adam here. We have the best equipment on the island.’ Again the pen scratches across paper. Again I try to suppress a scream, not sure whether this is part of the test. Whether she has begun assessing me. I force myself to be still. Quiet.
‘I’m going to ask you a series of questions. Try not to think too long about the answers. There is no right or wrong,’ she smiles. ‘Ready?’
I nod.
‘Are you worried or anxious about anything right now?’
The desire to tell her to sod off, to get up and stalk out of the room, slamming the door behind me, is immense.
‘Sorry, Anna,’ she says before I can react, politely or otherwise. ‘This is a standard questionnaire. Some of the questions might seem inappropriate but I have to ask them. Of course you’re worried. I don’t mean to sound insensitive but it’s important I run through these before—’
‘It’s fine.’ I just want this over with. ‘Yes, I feel worried.’
‘A little, often or constantly?’
‘Constantly.’
We continue in the same vein. I am asked whether I am tense. Whether I have trouble sleeping. If I’m scared I’ll lose control. Whether I have chest pain. Suicidal thoughts. The list goes on and on. Sometimes I lie, trying to make myself seem more together than I am, but generally I’m honest.
Yes, my anxiety is out of control.
Yes, I feel guilt.
Shame.
Fear.
‘You’re doing really well, Anna,’ Eva says encouragingly. ‘That’s the basics out of the way. Now, I don’t want to sound like a cliché, but was your childhood a happy one?’
‘Is this relevant to Adam?’
‘It’s relevant to you. Whether the trial is a success or not, we need to ensure that you’re able to cope with whatever happens.’
‘I’ve coped so far.’
‘It’s procedure. I’m aware some of it feels patronizing and I apologize.’
‘It’s not your fault, it’s… I’m tired. I just want to get back to Adam. My childhood was fine.’ It’s my adulthood that has turned into a living nightmare.
‘And your parents were together during your formative years?’
‘Yes.’
‘Happy?’
‘Definitely.’ It’s my most truthful answer so far.
‘Are there any events from your childhood you think I should know?’
‘Umm, no.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘What’s your definition of childhood?’
‘Tell me what’s on your mind and I can decide whether it’s relevant.’
‘My… my dad died when I was twenty. Not exactly a child.’ I had felt like one though.
‘What happened?’
‘He… he had a heart attack. It was very unexpected. The hospital said he was stable. They were hopeful but… he died later that night. On his own.’ I shift in my chair, my heart racing. She picks up on my increased agitation.
‘We’ll get you back to Adam soon, don’t worry, and the hospital has Nell’s number, don’t they?’
‘Yes.’ It doesn’t make me feel any better. I should be with him, not here dredging up my painful past.
‘How did you cope with your dad’s passing?’
‘It was hard. I had to be strong, for Mum. It was…’ My voice wobbles. ‘It was such a shock. He’d always been there, you know? Always able to sort anything out. If my car broke down, if I was short of money, if I just needed a hug and some reassurance I was lovable. He was there. And then he wasn’t.’
My tears are hot, I gulp them back down. I’ll be strong for Adam the way I am strong for my mum. Eva studies me for a moment, waiting for me to say something else, but I don’t.
‘Let’s talk about your relationship with Adam.’
‘What about us?’ I pick up my water, feeling anxious.
‘Did you meet him after your dad died or before?’
‘After. I’d just come out of a broken engagement.’
‘I see.’ Eva scribbles down a note.
‘My ex-fiancé and I weren’t right for each other. It was good we found out before we got married. He put me down a lot. He wasn’t a kind man.’
‘Is it fair to say your self-esteem was low when you met Adam?’
‘I guess so.’ I remember running into the sea, trying to hide my body.
‘How would you describe your relationship?’
‘Amazing.’ Did that sound fake?
She holds the silence until I break it. ‘We have our ups and downs, of course, all couples do, don’t they?’ Still, she doesn’t speak. What does she want me to say? ‘We’d been having some problems.’ I look at my hands.
‘Tell me about them.’
‘We’d been trying for a baby for a long time. It created a bit of a wedge between us.’ I pick at my nails. ‘A lot of a wedge.’
‘In what way?’
‘He’s never said anything but I think he blamed me.’
‘You think?’
‘We don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about much anymore.’
‘Why not?’
I take another drink. Wishing I could wash away the image of us lying on the beach when we met. My leg hooked over his. His thumb stroking mine. The way we opened up to each other.
‘I think… I think I love him so much it was unbearable to think I’d let him down. I didn’t want to hear him say it.’
‘But you don’t know how he feels?’
‘No. But he doesn’t have to say; I can tell by the way he forgets to do things I ask him to or accuses me of nagging if I ask when he’s going to do some DIY. I’m trying to create a home and he doesn’t seem to care. The books are stacked on the floor when he could easily build the bookcase and…’ I stop. Suddenly feeling a sickness deep in the pit of my stomach. Adam could be dying and I’m complaining he doesn’t do enough around the house.
Eva gives me a moment to compose myself. ‘Does Adam ever indicate that he wants to talk?’