‘Luis will check Adam over again and you need another physical and to talk to Eva. I want to be certain that there are no delayed reactions and we’ll take it from there, okay?’
‘Okay. But… when?’
‘I’m concerned about your nosebleed, Anna. The throbbing you’ve described in your head.’ Her face shadows. ‘I’m glad you’ve told me your head hurts. It’s important that I know these things. Let’s take it step by step. Get some rest and I’ll come and see you later.’
It is dusk when Oliver taps on Anna’s door.
‘How are you feeling?’
She yawns. ‘Fine. I can’t believe I’ve slept. I saw Sofia before I crashed but I haven’t spoken to Eva yet. Is she still around?’
‘She’s finished for the day. Don’t worry, you can see her in the morning. Join me downstairs for dinner? We can talk.’
‘Give me a sec.’ Anna crosses over to Adam and kisses his lips before moving the coin on his bedside table closer to him.
In the cafeteria, Oliver asks, ‘What’s the coin for?’
‘It’s the coin my grandad used to win my nan’s heart.’ Anna laughs at the expression on Oliver’s face. ‘No really.’ She explains about the jukebox. About the coin passing back and forth between her grandparents and now back and forth between her and Adam. ‘Did you and Clem have any rituals?’
‘No,’ Oliver began. ‘Yes, actually. She used to press a finger against her lips. It was her way of telling me that she loved me when she couldn’t say it. From across a room, that sort of thing.’ Oliver fiddles with the salt pot. ‘It was the last thing she ever did.’
‘Oh, Oliver.’ Anna rubs the top of his arm. ‘You must miss her terribly.’
‘You think you know how you’ll feel when you lose someone you love, but you don’t. You can’t possibly imagine it. She’s everywhere and yet she isn’t here. Her absence makes her more present in a way. That doesn’t make any sense, does it?’ Oliver can recite facts and figures but he has never been good at expressing his emotions.
‘It does. She fills your mind.’
Oliver nods. ‘Yes, that’s it. And I haven’t just lost her but I’ve lost everything else I wanted to be. A father. A grandfather. We hadn’t planned on having kids for another few years but we would have done. Eventually.’
‘A child would be a comfort,’ Anna says.
‘Sorry. That was insensitive of me.’ Oliver is horrified at his thoughtlessness. ‘I know you’ve suffered a miscarriage recently. Do you want to talk about it?’
Anna scrapes her hair back with both hands before letting it fall free again. ‘There’s not much to say. We’d wanted a baby for such a long time and now…’ She looks sorrowfully at her flat stomach. ‘Now I’m left with that empty, unbearable sadness that I’ll never get to meet them. Him or her. Harry or Charlotte.’
‘I’m so sorry, Anna.’
‘I… I was pregnant today, when I went back. About seven or eight months, I think.’
Oliver processes this for a moment.
‘I didn’t tell you earlier because… it’s personal. My life and yet,’ she shakes her head, ‘it isn’t my life.’ She sweeps her arm around the room. ‘This is my reality unfortunately.’
‘If I could change things for you, I would.’
Their food arrives and the conversation lightens to the tourist attractions on the island. Anna tells him about the lava caves she had visited with Adam when they first met.
‘Have you been?’
‘No,’ Oliver says. ‘I’m a bit all work and no play, I’m afraid.’
‘It was incredible. Each one was a themed room with furniture and everything. All underground. There was even a dance floor.’
‘Ah, now I definitely won’t go. Nobody needs to see me dancing. Clem said I resembled somebody with their finger stuck in a plug socket.’ He makes jerky movements with his arms. ‘Adam thinks he’s Kevin Bacon in Footloose,’ Anna smiles.
‘Stick on the soundtrack and he’ll be up there doing his thing.’
‘I’ve never seen that film,’ Oliver admits.
‘Adam would be horrified to hear that. He’s obsessed with Eighties music and movies.’
They finish eating, lingering over coffee.
‘So…’ Anna looks at him intently. ‘Can we… can I take part in the trial again?’
‘I don’t know, Anna. I should probably take it back to development stage and check everything is safe. Something isn’t right with the computer not recording and then there’s your nosebleed and headache.’
‘How long would that take?’ Anna asks.
‘Months.’ Oliver wants to be truthful.
‘It may be too late for Adam then. For me. Oliver… I was pregnant.’
‘I think perhaps we could try again, but this time I have to be the one taking part.’
‘No! Oliver, you promised I could try.’
‘And you have, Anna. I need to see for myself.’
Emotions slide across Anna’s face. ‘I appreciate you’ve spent years working towards this and of course you want to try it but… not yet. Soon, but I’m still adjusting to all of this. It’s okay for you. Science is your job. Your passion. You understand its capabilities. A few days ago, I didn’t know anything about consciousness and Adam, he isn’t… he isn’t just a subject to me. Today seems like a dream almost. I want to do it again.’
‘Anna, I think I made a mistake letting you try. I didn’t think about the effect it would have on you mentally, when you had to stop.’
‘But you did consider that on some level. You wouldn’t have insisted on me seeing Eva otherwise. You’re a good man.’
Is he? Oliver wonders if he was just following procedure. Ticking boxes. There is no checklist for morality. Was he playing God?
Anna leans towards him. ‘I’ve signed a disclaimer; you don’t need to worry—’
‘I’m not worried about being sued.’ Oliver is indignant. ‘I’m worried about you. You haven’t seen Eva yet. We agreed.’
‘I’ll speak to her first thing, but I’m okay. You want me to trust you, Oliver, and I do. Please trust me. Everything was fine. I’m fine. Let me be the one to try again, not you.’
Oliver is torn between his head and his heart. He sees Clem press her finger to her lips. He sees her lying delirious in a hospice bed. He remembers his despair.
‘Okay,’ he eventually says. ‘Tomorrow. If Eva is happy, you can try again tomorrow.’
Chapter Forty-Six
Anna
It is the morning light pushing through the window that stirs me. Ever since the accident I’ve been waking every thirty minutes, skin clammy, heart pounding, but last night I slept for seven hours straight.
Adam.
I rush through to his room, praying that the trial has somehow brought Adam back. Properly back.
It hasn’t.
Luis is writing his notes.
‘Is everything okay?’