Adam clicks on the lamp. His eyes are shadowed with black circles. He yawns as Dug dances around the bed, looking longingly at the door. ‘Want to go out, do you, boy? We might as well have a cuppa, now we’re all up?’
‘Well, you thought it was a good idea getting a dog.’ I try to keep my tone light but I can hear the wobble in my voice. It’s a lot to take in.
‘Yeah, well, we could hardly give him back when he was a baby gift from Josh. Anyway, you know all the books said as long as baby is here first, Dug will know he’s not in charge.’ Adam sighs as the puppy happily chews Adam’s slipper. ‘Who am I kidding? He’s totally in charge.’
‘I can go downstairs, so you can sleep?’ I offer, jigging up and down while Harry continues to cry.
‘Sleep? What’s that? Nah, it’s okay. While I’m still on paternity leave, I can catch up in the day tomorrow. I’ll go and make myself useful with the kettle. I can’t feed the baby, can I?’
Adam pads downstairs, Dug at his heels. Carefully I climb back into bed, holding Harry as though he is the most precious thing in the world.
And he is.
Nervously, I undo the buttons on my pyjama top, feeling I haven’t done this before, but of course some version of me must have because there’s no way a baby could cry as loudly as Harry without being healthy and well fed.
‘Here you go, little one.’ I draw Harry hesitantly to my breast but that’s all I need to do because he latches on all by himself. I rest back on my pillows and gaze in wonder at the rapid sucking movement of his cheeks.
Harry.
He’s named after my grandad and for the first time I have a prickle of doubt. Would Adam have picked that name?
‘Too wizardy.’ He really wasn’t keen. Is this my dream?
But I don’t think it is. Harry is dressed in a white sleepsuit with ‘Future England Player’ printed on it in red. Probably another gift from Josh. In my ideal world, my baby wouldn’t be wearing this. There wouldn’t be a puppy in the same room as my newborn, in the same house even.
I’m still feeling an odd sense of vertigo. Exhausted in a way I haven’t felt before but I don’t close my eyes for a second. I can’t stop looking at Harry. Counting his tiny fingers. Marvelling at his paper-thin nails. His eyes roll and his mouth slackens, milk dribbling down his chin. I shift my weight slightly and he is wide awake again, feeding once more, until his eyelids begin to flutter again. He is dozing by the time Adam returns with our drinks. Soon he is fast asleep. I fumble with my pyjama buttons with one hand and the movement wakes him. His eyes lock onto mine but he doesn’t cry.
‘Hey, little man. I’ve waited such a long time to meet you,’ I say, softly running my index finger across his tiny fist. He wraps his finger around mine and holds it firmly. He is surprisingly strong. I know if Adam were to turn the lights off, I would be glowing with happiness. Harry tightens his grip as though he’s telling me he loves me. His mouth flickers into a smile before it becomes a grimace, his face turns beetroot. There’s the sound of him emptying his bowels and the smell… Let’s just say he takes after Adam.
‘Nice one, son. Pass him here and I’ll change his nappy.’ Adam holds out his arms.
‘I want to do it.’ I want to do it all.
Adam passes me a packet of wipes and I ease Harry’s legs out of his sleepsuit. The second I remove the nappy, an arc of urine sprays me.
‘Still glad you volunteered?’ Adam says. But I am.
‘You change the sheets and I’ll give us both a quick bath. We’re soaked.’
In the bathroom I run warm water into the tub and squirt in Johnson’s Baby Bath. I ease Harry’s arms out of his sleepsuit. Wide awake now, he watches me with deep blue eyes, Adam’s eyes. I lay him on the bathmat, where he kicks his arms and legs and makes raspberry sounds while I strip off my own pyjamas. My body has changed and not for the better; purples veins criss-cross over my breasts. Red stretch marks streak my stomach. But I don’t care. I’ve grown a human. Right now, I feel like the cleverest person in the world.
‘Let’s get you clean.’ Harry doesn’t protest as I slide him into the water with me. It’s when I’m sponging his arms that I see it. The birth mark shaped like a map, almost an exact match of Adam’s. I trace it with my finger.
‘He’s destined to travel.’ Adam leans against the doorframe.
‘Maybe,’ I grin. ‘But doesn’t it feel good to be at home?’
I wake.
My eyes snap open. I’m terrified I am back in the Institute in Alircia, but I’m still in my bedroom. Adam snoring next to me. Harry cooing in his Moses basket, awake but content. A whole night. Perhaps this is it. Perhaps I am staying here for good. The thought warms me. I pad across our landing past the bookcase, which has now been built and is filled with paperbacks. A photo of Adam and me framed in silver on the top shelf. Smiling, I head downstairs and lift a frying pan from the cupboard. Bacon and eggs. On the fridge is a to-do list, the first few items crossed off, including the leaky tap. When breakfast is nearly ready, I gently shake Adam awake.
‘What have I done to deserve this?’ he asks as I set a full English in front of him. ‘You’ve just had a baby. I’m supposed to be looking after you.’
‘We can look after each other. We’re a team.’ Finally, we feel like it.
We eat in bed, our baby nestled between us. Afterwards, I lie on my side and feed Harry.
‘This… Harry,’ Adam says. ‘Us… It’s just…’ His eyes fill with tears.
‘I know.’ I smile at my husband, knowing he is feeling exactly the same things that I am. Loved. Wanted. Happy. All of the things we had thought that we weren’t.
After breakfast, we lounge on the sofa, watching Up. More than ever, I feel sorry for the old man and his wife who never got to have children. I can’t believe how much my life has been enhanced and Harry has only been in it for a day.
Adam’s hand dips into a box of sweets. ‘Toffee?’ He noisily unwraps the foil. Instinctively I begin to say no, conscious of the waistband of my yoga pants digging into soft flesh. Knowing I’m the biggest I’ve ever been, but then I chide myself for being so ridiculous. Of all the things I’ve come to realize are important, worth worrying about, my weight is somewhere near the bottom of the list.
‘Please.’ I open my mouth. Adam pops the toffee onto my tongue.
My eyes flicker constantly between the TV and Harry’s sweet face. He is fast asleep on Adam’s chest. After the film finishes we remain in the same position, reluctant to disturb him, until he begins to stir. While I feed him, Adam clears up the kitchen. When he steps back into the lounge he’s carrying a dog lead.
‘I’m going to take Dug out for a walk,’ Adam says. ‘Want to come and get some air?’
‘It might be too cold for Harry?’ I peer doubtfully out of the window. Clouds bunch in the sky but it isn’t only the weather that’s holding me back. Home is the only place I want to be. The only place I’ve ever been to in Adam’s consciousness. What would happen if we stepped outside these four walls? I’m reluctant to risk it. Adam doesn’t let it drop.