‘Let’s get some air,’ he tells her.
They sit on a bench outside the Institute, facing the sea, watching the gulls soar and swoop. Listening to their call.
‘Seagulls mate for life,’ Oliver says. ‘They return to the same nesting space year after year. Every species wants to make a connection. To find their home.’
‘Adam’s my home.’ Anna raises a bottle of water to her lips and drinks.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Oliver says, taking her hand. She holds it. For a time they both stare into the distance. Oliver knows that Anna isn’t taking in the towering cliffs, the sunflower sun hanging high in the sky – all there is for her is Adam. He clears his throat. ‘There’s a percentage of the population who oppose scientific development, whether for religious or moral reasons. Those who believe that humans shouldn’t interfere with the natural order of things. It has always seemed so black and white to me. If there’s a disease we can find a cure for, why not create the necessary treatment? If a person needs blood, where’s the harm in transfusing someone else’s blood? I think… I think what’s right and wrong is subjective. I believed it was a good thing, creating the means so that those who couldn’t communicate, whether it be because of locked-in syndrome or a coma or something else entirely, would be able to share their thoughts and feelings. Express what they need. To take comfort in, to bring reassurance to their loved ones that they still… exist. It can be the cruellest thing when the body of someone you love is in front of you but their mind… their mind…’
‘Do you wish you hadn’t developed the technology?’ Anna still can’t look at him.
‘I don’t know.’ Oliver doesn’t know how he feels. What he should have done. What he should do now, moving forward.
‘Today…’ Anna slowly exhales. ‘Today, I had a baby.’ She turns to Oliver with tears in her eyes. ‘I might never fall pregnant again. I might never again experience how it feels to give birth. I might never feel that immense… intense love that was instant the second my child came into the world. I felt that today because of you. Thanks to you.’
‘No wonder you were so distressed when I brought you back.’
‘The midwife was just about to tell me whether it was a girl or a boy. Oliver, will I ever find out?’
‘I just don’t know.’ He expects her to push for a proper answer but instead she says, ‘I’m going to see Adam.’
Oliver watches her leave. There’s a stoop to her posture. A weariness. He stays on the bench. After a while Eva joins him.
‘In twenty-five years as a clinical psychologist I’ve assessed, diagnosed and treated so many emotional, behavioural and mental disorders. I’ve enabled patients to deal with chronic conditions. To cope under extreme pressure. This… this is something else entirely. I don’t feel equipped for it, Oliver.’
‘Me neither.’ It is the sad truth.
‘I’m afraid Anna will break if we carry on. I’m afraid Anna will break if we stop.’
‘Me too.’ What are they going to do? ‘She gave birth to a baby today—’
‘She thinks she gave birth to a baby. Oliver, I can’t be involved with this anymore. I’m sorry.’
They were all sorry.
‘Could you possibly do one last thing for me?’ he asks. ‘Could you take Anna for her post-trial evaluation and keep her with you for an hour? I’m going to try the equipment for myself.’
‘Has she given her permission?’
‘No.’
‘Is that ethical?’
‘Is any of this? At least… at least we would know one way or the other if any of this has been real.’
Eva stands. ‘An hour. No more.’
Sofia expresses her disapproval. ‘This isn’t right without Anna’s consent.’
‘I’m not proud of what I’m about to do.’ Oliver isn’t proud of any of it. His life’s work. His biggest dream. Every time he measures his previous expectations with the reality, it leaves a sour coating in his mouth. He hasn’t changed the world, and he knows if he doesn’t let Anna connect to Adam again he will have made her world unbearable. Science should enhance, progress, improve. He forgot it also had the power to destroy. He has to know if the equipment works. If he can utilize it in a different way. Without hurting people. Without hurting Anna.
He slips on the goggles. The headphones. It’s warm inside of the scanner. Claustrophobic. He waits, forcing his breathing to slow as he listens to Sofia count.
Ten
Please work.
Nine
His life’s dream.
Eight
I’m sorry, Anna.
Seven
This is for Clem.
Six
For Adam.
Five
For everyone who has ever sat with an unresponsive patient.
Four
For anyone who has ever wondered if there is anything else.
Three
Clem.
Two
Clem.
One
Nothing.
There’s nothing.
Fifteen minutes, nothing.
Thirty minutes, nothing.
It doesn’t work.
Chapter Fifty-Three
Anna
Eva was different during our session today. Uncomfortable. She frequently looked at the floor to avoid making eye contact.
Oliver is much the same as he leans against the wall in front of Adam’s room, studying his shoes as though they’re some sort of miraculous scientific discovery.
‘I need to go and rest,’ I say. Something is clearly wrong but I can’t face another conversation about the trial right now.
Oliver has other ideas. ‘I’m so sorry, Anna. I’ve decided to put an end to the trial. To go back to development stage.’
‘But outside… we sat on the bench… I told you about the baby. I need to know the sex of my child. I thought you understood.’
‘There is no baby,’ Oliver says sadly.
‘There is. There…’ He can’t look at me. Something has happened. ‘What makes you so sure there isn’t a baby? Before you didn’t know whether the equipment was working or not.’
‘I… I’ve concluded—’
Immediately I know. ‘Oh my God.’ I step backwards. ‘You tried it. You tried it when I was with Eva.’ He doesn’t have to answer. The expression on his face tells me I am right. ‘How could you, Oliver? I trusted you. I thought that we were friends.’
‘We are friends. It’s because I care about—’
‘You don’t care about me.’ The thought I might never hear Adam talk again, hear his laugh, feel his hands on my skin is torturous. ‘You don’t care about anything except yourself and your dead wife. What would Clem think of you now, Oliver? Going behind my back. Lying to me.’ I squeezed my hands into fists. ‘I don’t care what your experience was in the scanner. It works for me. Don’t stop it.’
‘I have to. It’s my final decision and the right one, despite how it seems. That’s what testing is for. We try and try again until we get it right.’
‘And how long will that take? Until you’re convinced you’ve got it right? In time for me? Adam?’