‘That’s nice!’
‘Last time I saw Stella, she said something weird to me though.’
‘What?’
‘I haven’t even said this in group, because it feels so silly.’
‘I won’t tell anyone. Scout’s honour,’ Kate offered up her pinkie finger as a promise. It took Freddie a moment to realise what she was doing, but he slowly entwined his finger with hers.
‘Stella thinks I’m gay. She had this whole speech about how she thinks I should come out, and how she wants my niece to grow up knowing.’
‘Wow, really?’ Kate’s jaw dropped in disbelief, and she placed her milkshake firmly back down on the table. ‘Did you correct her?’
‘Not really.’
‘You didn’t say anything?’
‘I didn’t really know what to say. She seemed so sure of herself, and I’m always so unsure.’
‘Freddie. This is about you. You have to be the most certain person when it comes to yourself. Is that why you’ve been moping around and wandering into art galleries?’
‘Not just that.’
‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.’
‘It’s nothing specific. I just worry sometimes.’ Kate watched Freddie as he gathered himself. Let him have all the time he needed, she thought. ‘It’s not just Stella. It’s my whole family, my job, the group . . . sometimes it just gets to me. Some days just feel more fragile than others.’
‘That’s understandable. If it helps at all, I’m glad you found me.’
‘You are?’
‘Sure. We’re friends. Of course I’ll help whenever I can. Anyone in the group would.’
Kate added the last part just to make sure Freddie didn’t get the wrong idea. She didn’t know what the right one was exactly, but it seemed like an important clarification nonetheless. Freddie smiled anyway. His smile was quiet, just the corners of his mouth crooking up against his will, but Kate felt proud that she had been the one to make it happen.
‘You finished?’ she asked, after slurping the last of dregs of her milkshake.
He nodded, piling the napkins and wrappers on his tray to make it easier to carry over to the trash. To Kate’s surprise, when he stood up, he took her tray with him too. She watched him as he walked away, then tipped everything into the bin. She liked the way he looked, she realised. She had never been drawn to anyone who was as quiet as him, tended to like guys who had a bit more of a presence, but even so, there was something about Freddie, something like encountering a secret ghost only she could see, that made her like him, despite herself.
Like as a friend, the voice in Kate’s head insisted, and repeated several times.
‘You didn’t have to do that.’ she said when he came back to the table. He shrugged in reply, like it was nothing.
‘Look, do you mind,’ he said, massaging the back of his neck with his hand. ‘I don’t normally eat food with my fingers . . . do you mind if I go and wash my hands?’
‘Of course not.’
‘I’ll be back soon.’
She waited for him, and when he came back they went out to the street. Kate could smell the soap on his hands. It was dark, the rush-hour crowd all having scarpered home, making way for the sociable crowd looking for fun. It created an energy, a buzz that promised adventure and laughter.
‘I might just walk home,’ he said. Kate felt disappointed but didn’t quite understand why.
‘Where do you live? Do you have far to go?’
‘Umm, from here, about four miles?’
‘Four miles! I can’t remember when I last walked that far.’
‘It’ll only take an hour.’
‘I’m heading the same way. I’ll walk with you for a bit.’
They walked through Soho and then north towards Euston.
‘You know, when I caught you earlier, I’d just finished talking to my manager about endorsing me for a new job at the gallery,’ Kate told him.
‘That’s cool.’
‘Yeah, she was pretty enthusiastic, but I’m scared to be hopeful.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’ve tried so many times already. So many jobs. I feel like I used to be someone, or at least on my way to becoming someone, and then it all stopped. And because of that, I don’t think I come across well in interviews. I panic that I’m a big old imposter and don’t know anything about what I’m talking about. I don’t know if I’m explaining it right, but I won’t let myself get my hopes up.’
‘I think you’re being too hard on yourself,’ Freddie said.
‘Sorry for offloading. We’re not even in group.’
‘It’s OK. If it helps at all, I feel that way a lot too. Not just about work stuff, but about everything. My flatmate, my family . . . You at least thought you were going to be someone. I’ve never felt that way.’
Kate didn’t think it was the right time to offer reassurance, didn’t think that it was what Freddie wanted. The fact that they both seemed to understand each other, and could talk openly, seemed to be enough for now.
‘Oh my God, look!’ she said as they passed an alleyway, narrow and grimy, the dead space between two otherwise boring buildings, but all lit up with neon strips that painted an iridescent rainbow. ‘We need to walk down it!’
‘Why?’ Freddie asked.
‘Because it’s pretty! Come on!’
She resisted the sudden urge to just take his hand and drag him down the alley, but made her bold move forward and hoped that Freddie would follow. He did.
The lights shifted and flowed through the spectrum, casting strange-hued shadows and impossible sunbeams, one moment violet, the next buttercup yellow. Kate loved stuff like this, tiny parts of the city coming alive with random street art. And there was nobody else around, no one else to ruin the moment with selfie-sticks. Her very own night-rainbow.
When she looked at Freddie and at his blank confusion, she realised that it wasn’t that he was unimpressed, but because he had no idea what to do.
‘Come on,’ she said to him, laughing. ‘Just walk through it, enjoy the colours!’
‘It’s very pretty,’ Freddie conceded, looking around with the same seriousness that he’d shown back in the gallery.
‘Doesn’t it make you feel happy?’ She walked to the end of the alleyway, and turned back to see Freddie’s face bathed in red. The way the light caught his angles, picking up the natural reddish highlights in his brown hair, suddenly sparked in Kate a jolt of something like recognition, but that didn’t make sense. They already knew each other, so why would she just recognise him now? Déjà vu then, except that wasn’t quite right either. As the light shifted to sea-green, Kate realised that her heart was thumping loudly, that she felt nervous, and that she needed to get out of the rainbow alley right away.
‘Let’s go then,’ she said, trying to sound like it didn’t matter, that something hadn’t just happened inside her.
They walked as far as King’s Cross station. Kate could get home from here by Tube.
‘Thanks for tonight,’ Freddie told her. ‘And sorry for turning up like a weird stalker at the gallery.’