Her mouth fell open. ‘Are you saying I’m a slut?’
He sighed. ‘No. God. Just . . . no. That’s the furthest thing from what I was saying.’ He took a moment to figure out exactly what he wanted to tell her, then went with honest. Even if it left him open to future pain. Which it would, he was pretty certain.
‘I have feelings for you. Feelings I haven’t felt for anyone in a very long time. I don’t want this to be a one-and-done, and I suspect that it might be that for you. For tonight,’ he added before she could object. ‘This is not me slut-shaming you. I want you to want me. For me. Because you have feelings for me, too. At least because you want me, too. But not because you’re challenging yourself to “take your life back”.’
She flinched. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I didn’t realize . . .’ She closed her eyes. ‘I’m sorry, Rafe. I didn’t mean to make you feel unimportant.’
He wanted to sigh again, but bit it back. He wasn’t about to make her feel worse. ‘Come sit with me again,’ he said gently. ‘I liked that, a lot.’ He held out his hand, holding his breath once again until she took it. He pulled her close, letting the breath go in a silent, relieved sigh when she tucked herself into his side. ‘That’s better. So much better.’
‘I feel like an idiot,’ she muttered. ‘Can I just go back to my room?’
He chuckled. ‘You’re asking my permission?’
She smacked his gut lightly. ‘Not ever.’
‘Good,’ he said with satisfaction. He kissed her temple and felt her relax the tiniest bit. He was gentling her and he knew that she was aware of this. He shifted with a wince. ‘I wasn’t kidding about wanting you, Mercy Callahan. I feel like I’m a teenager again, and not in a good way.’
‘Good,’ she echoed with satisfaction. ‘That’s something, at least.’
He tipped her chin up so that she met his eyes. ‘What do you want?’
She swallowed hard, her expression abruptly vulnerable. ‘I don’t want to feel afraid anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on what normal women do with men they’re attracted to.’
That was honest. Not exactly what he’d hoped to hear, but it was a start. ‘And you want that with me.’
Another swallow followed by the slightest of nods. ‘I wanted it when I was here before. You make me want things that I never thought I would.’
Okay, that was much better. His ego puffed up and he had to fight the urge to preen. But she’d been honest and he could be no less. ‘Thank you for telling me. I thought I’d destroyed everything when I kissed you and you ran back to New Orleans. I thought I’d never see you again and I only had myself to blame.’
‘I was scared,’ she admitted. ‘You made me feel safe and I don’t think I’d ever felt that before. You still do, by the way. Make me feel safe, I mean.’
He closed his eyes at that, relief making him dizzy. ‘I’m glad,’ he said gruffly. ‘You have no idea how happy that makes me. I don’t ever want you to feel like I’ve taken your choices. I don’t ever want you to run from me again. I couldn’t handle it, Mercy.’
She brushed the back of her fingers against the scruff of his jaw. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you when I left before. I didn’t mean to hurt you tonight. It was just . . .’ She sighed. ‘I sat at your family’s table tonight and felt all that love and strength and knew that I could have some of it. That I could take it freely.’
‘But?’
‘No “but”. Not really. I thought to myself, “You have this with the Romeros. They love you and support you.” But it felt different and I realized the difference was you. So instead of spending the drive back here thinking about everything I’d just unloaded at your parents’ kitchen table, I thought about you. But I didn’t stop to consider what you might be feeling, and I’m sorry for that.’
The difference was you. He was terrified to speak. Terrified he’d say the wrong thing and she’d run away again. But then she stroked his face, her touch butterfly light, and the words spilled out. ‘I feel more than you’re ready for.’
He opened his eyes when she tapped his chin, a little harder than was truly necessary. Her face was set in a scowl, her mouth pinched on one side. ‘Are you even listening to me, Rafe Sokolov?’
He nodded, unable to take his eyes off her face. She was stunning like this, her eyes snapping with irritation.
‘You might want to reconsider that last sentence,’ she said. ‘You feel more than I’m ready for? You know what? That might even be true, but you don’t get to say that to me. I get to decide what I’m ready for. I get to decide if I’m afraid of what you feel.’
He wanted to kiss her breathless, but he reined it in. ‘Yes, you do. But when your decision impacts my heart, then I get to weigh in. I think that’s fair, don’t you?’
She scowled another second more, then looked away. ‘Yeah,’ she grumbled.
He had to laugh at that. ‘You sound so put-upon.’
Her lips twitched and he was hit with another dizzying wave of relief. He might have actually pulled this out of the fire. ‘I am,’ she said. ‘But you’re right.’ The smile fell from her face and she suddenly looked unbearably sad. Defeated. ‘I don’t know how to do this, Rafe. I don’t know how to be a sister to Gideon or . . . whatever it is that you need me to be.’
His heart was hurting again. ‘Mercy. You know how to be a friend to Farrah, right?’
A bitter huff. ‘Yeah, but she didn’t give me any choice. She kind of barged into my life and took over, from the moment she walked into our dorm room that first day.’
‘We all owe her a debt, then,’ he said seriously. ‘She was there for you when you didn’t have anyone else. When you weren’t ready for anything else, she was your friend.’
‘Okay,’ she said with a halfhearted shrug. ‘I wasn’t ready then. So what?’
‘So you know how to be a friend, right?’ He smiled, encouraged when she nodded warily. ‘So you can be my friend, right?’
She pursed her lips in a scowl, but he could see the hurt flicker in her eyes. ‘That’s what you want? To be just friends?’
‘No!’ he barked, and she flinched. ‘No,’ he said more quietly, and she relaxed, but still frowned. ‘No,’ he whispered, gripping her chin and lowering his mouth to hers, slowly enough that she could pull away if she wished. But she didn’t pull away. Her eyes fluttered closed and she waited, lips parted a hairsbreadth. Waiting.