You are who I want most.
Yet it still feels so hopeless. This is the way of things for me, but I don’t concentrate on that. I focus on Jess. The feel of him buried inside me. The movement of his hips against mine. The drag of his thickness to the edge of my core and the plunge back into the depths. This is how we work best, pushing and pulling against one another.
“Again,” I groan when he moves a certain way.
Again and again and again, I want to sing. Not only like this, not only with sex but as us. I want us, again and again and again.
“Again,” I mutter, and a grin graces his lips as my eyes roll back.
“It shouldn’t keep getting better.” He shifts his eyes to watch where he enters me.
It shouldn’t, but it does, and I’ll never be the same.
+ + +
Eventually, we shower. We explore one another the way we did the first time we showered together, and it ends in quite the same way with our mouths hungry for body parts once again. When we finish, Jess demands food.
“I want the Chicago experience.”
We settle on a famous hot dog joint.
“What do you mean I can’t have ketchup?” he teases as we wait to order.
“No ketchup. That’s the Chicago way.”
Jess laughs and tucks me under his arm and into his chest. He hasn’t stopped touching me all day, as though holding on to the seconds before he needs to leave.
“I’d love to stay another night,” he’d told me in the shower, “but then I’d want another night and another. Again and again. I might never leave.”
Might whispered through my head, but Katie came to mind, and I knew I’d never ask this of him. I’d never ask him to stay with me.
“Tell me about the radio,” I say once we take a seat.
He points his straw at me. “I shouldn’t have done it, but Tom can be relentless. Always meddling where he shouldn’t. He sent those plans to our dad’s friend. Bill was curious about my design and wanted to see it for himself.”
“What would it mean if he took the design?”
“I’d patent it first, and then he can mass produce it, I guess.” Jess shrugs like an invention of this sort is no big deal. He’s too smart to be working in an electrical repair shop, but he doesn’t seem concerned about it.
“You want to say something,” he says, his eyes narrowing in on me.
“You once told me you’re right where you’re supposed to be in life, but I feel like under that conviction, there’s still a hint of desire for a little more challenge in your life.”
He sighs and turns his head to look out the window at the busy city street. “Yes, I wanted more for myself at one time. Out of a small town into a big city. A bigger house. A better car. Financially set.” He turns his head back to me. “But I wasn’t happy. I was chasing something, and I wasn’t catching it. Then I came home, and once things settled a bit, I felt more content. What’s that fairy tale about the girl whose backyard held all she ever wanted?”
“The Wizard of Oz and it’s not technically a fairy tale.”
Jess waves a dismissive hand at me. “My point is all I ever wanted was never more than what I already have.”
“And you have everything you need now?” I smile as I ask.
“Not everything,” he says. He holds my gaze a second longer, and my heart skips a beat.
The day passes quickly as we walk Navy Pier. We stop at the end and look out across the lake. On the far side is his home, and on this side is mine. Couples live apart, work apart all the time, but that isn’t what I want, and Jess feels the same way. He wants a family in one place. I want the same.
The next girl will keep him happy. This is a pattern I recognize.
But should it continue to be the pattern of your life? It sounds like something Grace might say.
“You okay?” Jess asks as we stare at the water in silence.
“I will be.” It feels like a lie, but it isn’t totally untrue. I always bounce back. I always move forward.
His hand rubs my arm, and he kisses my temple before we turn back toward the opposite end of the pier.
When it comes time to part, my skin crawls, and I have a desperate need for him to sink into me again. Our mouths mesh and tongues lick, but he holds me at bay, hands on my jaw while my fingers itch to touch his body and wrap myself around him. He needs to leave before I lose it.
Sensing I’m on edge, he pushes gently at my shoulders.
One more night will turn into wanting one more night.
“Come visit us someday,” he whispers, holding his forehead to mine. Someday. I nod against him, but we both know a visit is not the answer. Not for Katie. Not for us.
I’m not certain who releases who first, but he reaches for his bag and hitches it over his shoulder. We share a final kiss—rough and desperate and needy—like that first time in the library basement. Then just as quickly, the kiss ends.
“See you around, Emily Post of Chicago.”
“You might,” I whisper as he steps toward my door and exits.
Rule 23
Unasked questions don’t get answers.
[Emily]
“Did I make a mistake?” I ask Grace on the phone, laying it all out for her that night.
It’s not that I don’t love my new job. Who doesn’t want to get paid to read books and connect them to life experiences? I have so many ideas for the column.
“You know you had another one of those movie moments, right?” Grace says, and I giggle. My sister’s been watching a lot of late-night movies since she isn’t sleeping well. Baby five is due to arrive any day now.
“What movie?”
“Jess pulled an, ‘I’m just a man standing in front of a woman asking her to love me,’ moment.”
I laugh harder. “First of all, it’s the other way around. The woman went after the man, and no one said anything about love.” Although that’s exactly how I feel. I love him.
“You know what I mean.” Grace pauses. “You wanted a man to chase you, and he did.”
I stare at my sliding glass door that leads out to a narrow balcony. That’s my backyard.
“Everything I ever wanted I already had,” Jess said. He didn’t need to look further than his own backyard.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
“What do you mean?” she asks, keeping her voice low.
“I think I made the wrong choice,” I state.
“In my exhaustion, honey, I don’t have brain cells to spare, so you need to be very specific.”
“I’m not sure I’m happy here.”
“In your condo?”
“In Chicago.” The admission falls around me like a rain shower, spontaneous yet refreshing. “I miss them.”
“That’s because you care about them. You love them, Em. Can you admit that to yourself?”
I remain quiet for a second.
“Missing someone is a part of love. I go through this every time Mark leaves.” Grace’s husband serves endless tours in the military, and whenever he returns home, she gets pregnant once again. “I’m not certain which way you want me to lean, Em. Do you want to quit your dream job or be with the man of your dreams who you love along with his child?”