He knew he was going to fail her.
And that knowledge ate at him, more and more every day.
He cursed himself for being deceptive in the first place. That wasn’t in his nature, yet he’d made the decision to do it and when his secret was revealed, he was going to lose everything he’d built. Most of all, he was going to lose Juliandra and after two weeks with the woman, she was already under his skin and digging deeper by the day. She was the first thing he thought of in the morning and the last thing he thought of at night.
He was in trouble.
A knock on the chamber door roused him from his thoughts.
“Come,” he said.
The heavy oak door creaked open, revealing Bannon. The older knight with the receding hair was puffing a little and he pointed to the impossibly steep and narrow spiral stairs outside the chamber.
“God damn you for being in this chamber every day,” he said, trying to catch his breath. “That means I have to trek up those damned stairs if I want to talk to you. It’s madness!”
Kevin openly snorted at the man’s discomfort. “Send Cal if those stairs threaten you so,” he said. “He can take them without effort.”
Bannon scowled. “To hell with Cal,” he said. “He’s in the armory repairing some crossbows that were left from the Lords of Breidden and he’s speaking about Lady Juliandra. He has his eye on the woman, you know. You had better speak to him unless you want trouble.”
Kevin’s smile disappeared unnaturally fast. “Why do you say that?”
Bannon took one final, big breath and eyed Kevin knowingly. “I do not know. I just pulled it out of my arse.”
Kevin scowled. “Make sense or shut your lips, Bannon.”
Bannon took a few more steps towards Kevin until he was standing next to the man. He could see what Kevin saw from that particular window, which had a view of the kitchen yard beyond.
And Juliandra.
He grunted.
“You are either going to have to tell Cal to put the lady out of his mind or you are going to have to make a move yourself,” he said quietly. “That is what you wish to do, is it not?”
Kevin stepped away from the window, moving to the other side of the small chamber where another window looked out over the southwest.
“You are delving into a subject that does not concern you,” he said.
Bannon kept his gaze on Juliandra as she worked with the servants in the kitchen yard, evidently boiling linens.
“It does indeed concern me,” he said. “If a woman is to tear apart your command structure, it is my duty to prevent it if I can.”
“You do not know what…”
Bannon cut him off, though not harshly. “Kevin, I know enough,” he said. “I have been watching you watch her for the past two weeks and I am old enough, and experienced enough, to know what’s on a man’s mind. If you are fond of her, you should make it known before someone else does. Trust me on this… I know.”
Kevin turned to look at him, immediately thinking of the rumor he’d heard about the man. Something about Wellesbourne’s daughter, he recalled. Looking into Bannon’s features, perhaps there was some truth to it.
After a moment, he shook his head.
“You were correct when you said I’d made a mistake in lying to her,” he said, changing the subject slightly. “I’ve never lied to anyone in my life, but I did with her. Now… now, I am already coming to regret it because when she discovers the truth, she will hate me for it and so will every other Welshman. They will know my word is not my bond. Christ, Bannon, it was a horrible mistake but there is no turning back now.”
Bannon watched him fidget. “Her opinion means a good deal to you.”
It wasn’t a question, but a statement. Kevin hesitated a moment before nodding. “She has behaved honorably,” he said. “I have not.”
He muttered the last three words and Bannon could hear the despair in his tone. He’d only known Kevin for two years but, in that time, he’d seen a knight who was as honorable as they come. He saw the world as either right or wrong, with limited areas that could be considered neither.
Now, he’d entered that area of limbo for the sake of his command.
It was a difficult road to travel.
Bannon thought he had a solution.
“I have a suggestion that would see you absolved in all of this,” he said. “Would you hear it?”
Kevin looked at him curiously. “Of course,” he said. “What is it?”
Bannon leaned back against the cold stone wall. “You can always tell her that you just received word that her father has died,” he said. “Make it sounds as if the man succumbed to a natural death while in your custody. It would be yet another lie, but it would absolve you from the first one. The problem with telling her that is that you would have to release her immediately. There would be no more reason to keep her.”
Kevin sat down on the big chair beneath the open window. “Christ,” he muttered. “One lie to cover up another.”
“Would you rather confess everything to her and take your chances?”
Kevin rolled his eyes miserably. “Probably not,” he said. “My instincts tell me to do precisely that, but I intend to keep Wybren indefinitely. I cannot establish my presence here with everyone thinking my word is not to be trusted.”
Bannon shrugged. “Then tell her one last lie and never do it again,” he said. “Tell her that her father has died in the vault and she may take him home for burial any time she wishes. But you had better do it sooner rather than later – he is in the vault, and it is quite cold down there so he is well preserved, but that will not last forever. She must not have a reasonable doubt that her father’s death was recent.”
Kevin hated himself for even considering such a thing, but he was desperate. This wasn’t something he was used to, weaving a tapestry of lies that he was fearful would unravel and expose him. God, he didn’t want to fail at this.
He didn’t want to hurt a woman he was desperately attracted to.
“I’ll consider it,” he said after a moment. “I appreciate the advice.”
Bannon simply nodded, pushing himself off the wall. “Any time, my lord,” he said. “But I did come here for another reason. Cal has several pieces of weaponry set aside for you to examine. Will you come?”
“Where is Gareth?”
“He’s gone into Pool with the blacksmith because the man needs to buy some raw material.”
Kevin nodded. He really wasn’t doing anything in his tower room other than watching Juliandra, so it was time to get on with his duties. He followed Bannon from the chamber, listening to the man curse and groan as he navigated the narrow stairs, but not before he caught a final glimpse of Juliandra from the window.
He couldn’t help the feeling that he was sinking deeper and deeper into something that was going to change, or end, his entire life.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Juliandra knew he was around, somewhere, because he always seemed to be lurking.
Not that she minded.
Kevin was around somewhere because she could feel it. Two weeks with the man and she had come to the point where she knew his routine and could sense his mood within the first few words of a conversation. It was odd because she’d never had this kind of a rapport with anyone.