She looked at him; really looked at him. He was talking more than she’d ever heard him, not exactly rambling on, but not exactly his usual controlled self. He had a cup of the pear cider in his hand, which was strong, so she was fairly certain it was the drink that had loosened his tongue. Was he speaking of things in his heart that he was too afraid to speak of when he was sober?
Was it too good to hope for?
Her giddy self was about to overwhelm her common sense.
Hadn’t she just been thinking about marrying Kevin earlier in the day? Hadn’t she just been musing about it, knowing her father would never permit it? She was trying to remain level-headed about the situation, but she was rapidly losing ground. She’d only come to Wybren to seek her father’s release.
She’d never come to stay.
Or fall in love with a handsome English knight.
… hadn’t she?
“He would not go away easily if that is what you are asking,” she finally said. “But this is all purely talk, Kevin. You are not serious about marrying me, so do not tease me so.”
He frowned. “Who says I am not?”
“Are you?”
It was the question she’d been dying to ask, now presented. It hung in the air between them. Kevin had been leaning towards her on his chair, close to her because he’d wanted to be. But with that question presented, he leaned back on the other side of the chair, eyeing her because the one part of his brain that wasn’t drunk told him to watch himself.
Be careful.
The trouble was that he wasn’t listening to his sober self.
He was going to be reckless.
“Let us say that I am,” he said. “For argument’s sake, would you be agreeable?”
It was like a game of chess – he would make one move, she would make another. The light tone of the conversation was becoming more serious now, but Juliandra wasn’t afraid of it. She was agreeable. At least, she thought she was. She thought she might be very happy being married to a handsome English knight, a man as gentle and trustworthy as Kevin.
A large part of her wanted to indulge in that fantasy, just for a moment.
“It is only a giddy maiden’s dream,” she said, finally looking away. “Whether or not I was agreeable means nothing. It is my father you would have to ask and I know what he would say. He would deny you because he does not want his daughter to be married to a warlord, or an Englishman, which makes little sense to me given that my mother was English, from Rochester. My father met her when he was traveling home from France many years ago. My grandfather is English, though I’ve not seen him since my mother died.”
Kevin had known that, for she’d told him the first night they’d met. “Does Aeron know that you are half-English?”
She shrugged. “I do not know,” she said honestly. “It is not a great secret, as there are many in this area who knew my mother, but I do not know if he knows.”
Kevin leaned in her direction again, very close to her left shoulder. He found himself studying her, the graceful curve of her neck, the way her lashes fanned out when she blinked. He was becoming more enchanted by the second and it had nothing to do with that seductive cider.
“Do you always do what your father says?” he asked quietly.
She looked at him in surprise, not at all distressed that he was so close to her. She could feel the heat from his body and her heart began to race. “Didn’t you?”
She had him. He chuckled. “My life and career have been built on obedience,” he said. “But that’s just me. I am not you, and your brother did not obey your father. He is probably happy with his older wife. He is probably very glad he disobeyed his father.”
“I will be sure to ask him when I see him.”
She was eyeing him with some disapproval for bringing up her brother since that was her family’s sad folly, but he didn’t back down.
“I hope you do,” he said. “Ask him if he would have been happier obeying the man, sitting alone and wondering about the life that could have been with the woman he loved, or if he is happier living his life with the woman he chose.”
Juliandra knew what he was driving at, that perhaps obeying one’s parent risked personal happiness, but he was rambling somewhat drunkenly. Not hugely, but enough to be noticeable. After a moment, she simply shook her head.
“Burke was young and inexperienced,” she said. “Surely you have more wisdom than he did. Sometimes we cannot always have what we want.”
“I would not know. There hasn’t been anything I wanted badly enough, personally, to fight for it.”
“But you fought for William Marshal,” she said. “Surely, you fought for things that were important to you.”
He shrugged, taking another drink of that potent cider. “My beliefs were my own, but I fought for a man I was sworn to,” he said. “I fought whomever he told me to fight. But I cannot ever remember fighting for something that personally meant something to me. I’ve always been a tool for others. Never for myself.”
There was something sad in that declaration. At least, Juliandra thought so. Kevin was a career knight, but that career had always been devoted to others. Never to himself.
Until now.
“You are the Lord of the Trilaterals,” she said. “I am sure, at some point, you will fight for something personal, for something you believe in or something you wish to keep as your own. Or mayhap you will fight for peace. That is a noble cause, is it not?”
Kevin was lingering on the fact that he’d always done everyone else’s bidding and never his own. He’d been right when he told Juliandra that he’d always been a tool, someone who followed orders more than gave them.
But that had changed.
“Peace is always the noble cause,” he said, struggling to focus on her question. “My family has always fought for peace and victory. It is a way of life. But to be truthful, I’d like a little less fighting and a little more peace. I cannot recall when I’ve enjoyed it at any stretch. You told me that you’d never experienced a battle. That is all I’ve ever known.”
Juliandra wasn’t quite sure to say to him. He seemed almost… lost. With a new English king on the throne, and a new title given to him by his brother, he’d reached a new and unfamiliar point in his life. She could see that tender heart in him, more than ever before, and it touched her.
Impulsively, she reached out and put her hand on his arm.
“You will know peace,” she said. “It may not be at Wybren, for you are in the middle of Welsh territory, but I am sure once you return to Trelystan, you will know peace. It seems to me that you have earned it.”
Kevin looked at her hand on his arm. She had pale skin and slender fingers with little nails on the tips, uneven but clean. He was still looking at her hands when he spoke.
“You have not yet answered me,” he said. “Would you be agreeable to a marriage?”
Juliandra could see where he was looking. Her hand was still on his arm and she could have pulled it away, but she didn’t. She didn’t answer, either, and when he finally dared to look up at her, she simply smiled coyly and looked away. Kevin thought it might have been an affirmative answer but he was prevented from pursuing it as the minstrels suddenly appeared at the table, strumming on their instruments.