A whine escaped his lips. “I don’t want to go home. My parents don’t need to know this.”
“Of course they do.”
James held my hand tighter and his eyes sparkled with something like desperation. “Please.”
It felt like he had just punched me in the face. Turned out, I was really bad at saying no to him. In the end I brought him to my house and called his mother to tell her he was there, and the doctor was coming to visit him. She came over and Mom made her coffee while I took care of James in my room. I wrapped a towel around a bag of ice and made him lay his head on it. Then I pressed a wet cloth behind his ears, on his wrists and his ankles, to lower his body temperature. Soon he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. I really wished the doctor would arrive soon.
“I hoped you’d apologize,” Marco said to me from beside the door.
“For what?” I said, distractedly caressing James’ hand.
“Last night you were a huge ass to me and Jenn. And don’t pull the overprotective brother bullshit. We both know what was going on.” I turned to him and he continued, “You were dead jealous of seeing me with James.”
I exhaled and turned back to James to move some strands of hair from his face. Marco was right. I had always considered jealousy ugly and unattractive; I hated it and I had always been proud of not being a jealous guy. Last night, I had been a hypocrite. James wasn’t my boyfriend, and even if he were, I would have no right to tell him what to do. I hadn’t even realized what I was doing until he told me that he didn’t owe me anything.
I was so disappointed in myself, and I felt ridiculous.
“I’m sorry,” I told Marco.
“Rob, you were jealous of me. Of me! I’m your brother, and I’m straight.”
“Yeah, we’ll see about that in a couple of years,” I told him with half a smile, as if it was a joke. I did think my brother had in him a latent bisexuality he hadn’t figured out yet, but that was not for me to tell him.
“Fuck you,” he said, and came closer to sit at my desk. “He must be really special to you.”
I just squirmed uncomfortably in my chair. I was having a hard time figuring out what James was to me. After discussing the situation with Francesco, I had been positive it was good old physical attraction that I felt for James. But last night, when he looked deeply into my eyes and told me those things, I realized that wasn’t the case; fucking him out of my system wasn’t an option. I didn’t want sex from him. Not like that.
I didn’t even care that James thought of himself as “easy” and I didn’t care what kind of experiences he had had in the past. The only thing I cared about was that he was hurt, and he didn’t deserve that.
James… he had been crawling inside my heart since the first time I spoke to him, and I couldn’t let him go.
Marco cleared his throat and said, “I might have found someone special too. I was… going to see her before I ran into James today.”
I turned to look at him. Being there with Marco reminded me of when we were little; whenever he did something he shouldn’t have done, he always came to me like this, sat quietly by my side and confessed his mischief. Then he’d look at me with his best puppy eyes and he’d ask me to help him come clean with Mom. “It’s Marta, right? The barber’s daughter,” I said. He just nodded his head. “The day isn’t over yet. Why don’t you go see her now?”
“Because…” He looked troubled. A couple of minutes passed, like that, without a word. I was wondering if I should say something, when he finally said, “Recently we’ve been… we started to… er, get to know each other better… Do you know what I mean?”
“Okay, yes, I think I do,” I told him carefully. I wasn’t expecting him to open up to me about these things, but now that he was, I didn’t want to disappoint him. “Is there something you don’t know that is making you uncomfortable or…?”
He let out a deep breath. “No, I’m familiar with the dynamics. It’s just… yesterday we… and I… but she didn’t… and I feel really bad about it.”
I scratched my head a little. “Marco, I really need you to help me fill in the blanks. Yesterday you were…?”
He made a frustrated groan and said, in a voice so low I could barely hear him, “We were kind of… touching each other.”
“Okay. So you had an orgasm and she didn’t. And you feel bad about it. Is that it?” He just nodded his head. “Listen.” I put a hand on his shoulder to make him look at me. “Don’t let this crush your self-confidence. It’s normal not to get there the first few times. It’s not a competition and neither of you needs this kind of pressure. Just relax and take your time to explore.”
“Easier said than done,” he murmured, averting his gaze. I reached out for my nightstand and handed him the pharmacy bag I kept in the drawer. He looked inside and then lifted his eyes to look at me. “You’re giving me a bottle of lube?”
“Yes, but it’s also a massage gel. I’m sure you’ll figure out how to put it to use.”
He paused for a moment and looked inside the bag again. “Uh… you forgot this,” he said, showing me a pack of condoms.
“I didn’t forget it. That’s for you as well.”
His mouth fell open. “Oh. But we haven’t gotten to that part… yet.”
I found myself smiling and I shook my head. “Well, when you do, I want you to have this. And use it.”
He awkwardly nodded again. “I will… Thank you, Rob.” He stood up and headed for the door.
“Hey,” I called before he left the room. “I know it’s not the same since I moved to Milan, but you can talk to me. I’ll always be there for you.”
He turned to me and smirked. “You’re such a sap. But I won’t forget this.” His eyes briefly moved to James, and then back to me. “I’ll return the favor. I promise.”
“Rob?” James weakly called my name and I glanced down. When I turned to the door again, Marco was gone.
“How are you feeling?” I asked, passing my fingers through James’ hair. The doctor sure was running late.
“Better,” he whispered. I made him drink some water and helped him sit on the bed with a pillow behind his back. His lips were pink; nothing like their usual color, but already better than before.
“Is this your room?” He asked me. I stood up from my chair and sat on the edge of the bed. James moved to one side of the mattress, making space for me by his side. Before I knew it, I passed an arm around his shoulders and he laid his head on my chest. His hair was wet and cold, and I buried my face in his curls, breathing him in. Having him there in my arms felt better than it should have. In my old room, in the place that held all my secrets and my memories, that was mine and mine alone. The walls, the bed, the desk, the shelves, my collection of Magic Playing Cards, my classic guitar, the stereo and my CDs. The youngest, purest and most honest part of my soul still lived there in each and every one of those things, and now James was there too, and if he let me, I could tell him all about my life before him. I could tell him about the time Francesco and I burned the curtains with a stolen cigarette, or maybe about the sleepless winter nights spent playing World of Warcraft with the worst internet connection in the world. Or maybe he’d rather hear about the cheesy love songs I learned to play on the guitar for my first boyfriend and about me crying over Titanic – something I’d never admit to anyone else.