I couldn’t believe that one, single word could make my heart ache like that. In a moment, all I wanted in the world was to let him in, embrace him, shelter and protect him from the outside. I’d give him anything he asked and do anything he wanted. But James wasn’t egotistical or pretentious; he wouldn’t ask me to do something he knew I couldn’t. He accepted me with all my limits, my quirks and my baggage. Even though what I was giving him was nothing but a childish, awkward and utterly unsatisfying manifestation of need, he still wanted me. He wanted more of it, for whatever it was, and I gave him more. Of course I did. I would give him my life if he asked for it.
I brushed my lips against his temple and pressed a kiss beside his right eye, as my arm tightened around his shoulders, pulling him closer. I was amazed at how perfectly our bodies fit together and James probably thought the same because he melted in my arms, nuzzling at me and moaning softly.
There was a soft-looking spot, just below his ear, that I had been wanting to kiss since the night we looked at the stars together. I allowed myself to lean in and delicately close my lips on it, tasting him, his cold skin shivering and his pulse raging under my fingers.
God, I wanted him so bad it hurt. My body was a painful mess of desire.
“Rob,” he said quietly, not even trying to hide how shaky his voice sounded. “Do you ever think about what happened… the other day?”
My stomach dropped. “The other day, you mean… at my place?”
James shook his head. “No, I try not to think about that. It makes me uncomfortable.”
His words froze me completely. The idea of us almost kissing made him uncomfortable. That day I had been sure he wanted it too, but now I didn’t know what to think. I was about to ask him to tell me more, when he said, “No, I meant… what happened at the Rock.”
I opened my mouth, trying to give voice to a thought that I still didn’t have clear in my mind, so I just shut it. James was unpredictable, like always. He said he tried not to think about our quasi-kiss, and then he brought up something that for any other person would be a much more uncomfortable subject.
“Sometimes,” I lied. Did I think about that day? Always. When I was with him, I remembered his body trembling in my arms and how he held onto me like a lifeline. When I was alone, my mind traveled all the way to him, imagining things of him I wasn’t supposed to think about.
“I… I think about it all the time. Of how your arms feel around me, of the touch of your hands and of the way you look at me. I touch myself thinking of you, every day.”
A rush of heat and tension ran through my veins, paralyzing me. That was an image that I didn’t need to have in my mind right now. Now that I had him in my arms. Now that I could touch him the way I wanted. Now that I was so close to suck hickeys on his skin, or slide my hand down between us and finally put an end to that awful longing…
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’m molesting you.”
A deep breath, directly from my chest, involuntarily left my lips. “Are you sure it’s not the other way around?”
I could feel him laughing in my arms. “If that’s the case, I wish you’d molest me some more.”
I didn’t know what to say. James lifted his head up and I must have had a really dumb expression on my face, because he chuckled and pressed his finger between my eyebrows, tracing circles. “What kind of face is this?” he asked me.
“I’m really confused, James,” I said. “First you say that what happened the other day makes you uncomfortable, and you make me doubt everything, and then…”
First James seemed surprised, then he gave a sheepish look. “Oh, that.” He took a moment to think, then he pinned his chin to my shoulder, and there wasn’t a shade of hesitation in his blue eyes when he said, “Rob, I’ve always wanted every single thing that ever happened between us, from the bottom of my heart. What I meant earlier is that… talking about kissing is embarrassing for me.”
I stared at him for a while. He was serious. “More embarrassing than telling someone you jerk off thinking of them?”
James bit his lower lip. “If you put it like that, it does seem strange. But I swear it made perfect sense in my head.”
I laughed and dropped my head back on the sand, now facing the sky completely. “You’re a mystery, you know that?”
James shifted a little, never letting go of me, and lay resting his head on my chest. “I’m actually an alien.”
“An alien who is afraid of the stars?”
James grinned. “Touché.”
We fell in a companionable silence, until a shooting star fell from the sky above us. James grinned, his eyes shining in the dark. He said that seeing a shooting star hadn’t been as scary as he had imagined. He forgot to make a wish, though. I told him stories, I teased him, and we laughed. And my heart was burning, as my wish echoed loudly in my head:
Make tonight last forever.
◆◆◆
I wasn’t expecting everything to fall apart so quickly.
We watched the sunrise, James cuddled up against my side, tired but still so beautiful in the first light of the morning. Jennifer emerged from her tent completely hungover. Claudia, on the other hand, looked perfectly rested, and brought us cups and a thermos of coffee. I could see in Francesco’s eyes that he was waiting for us to be alone to scold me for being so close to James, but then Marco’s girlfriend went home and Marco joined us, looking positively worn out and giving us the golden opportunity to make fun of him instead.
Everything felt right, until we walked home. I noticed immediately the car parked on the side of the street, in front of my house. I was still holding James’ hand in mine when I heard Luca’s voice in the driveway, and James was the one who let go and took a step back when he saw him talking with Mom. I didn’t know how he knew his face, but I was sure he knew that man was my boyfriend.
“Yes, the kids should be home soon, but come in, you must be tired from traveling all night!” Mom said, before they turned toward us.
I had to force my eyes away from James to look at Luca.
Luca seemed tired but was, as always, well-dressed, fresh and clean. He was wearing a blue jean short-sleeved shirt, which he had clearly ironed, and khakis. He looked good; surely better than he did when we last saw each other. Thankfully Marco went to greet him first, giving me a moment to take in the fact that he was really there, and this was actually happening. Then he was in front of me, smiling like he hadn’t in ages and saying that he’d wanted to surprise me, so he had traveled all night from Milan to get here when I woke up. I just stared at him, with a lot of undefined, unpleasant feelings upsetting my stomach, and then he touched my arm and his face was an inch from mine.
I pecked his lips simply because that was what I was expected to do, and the kiss tasted like betrayal.
Don’t look at me, I thought, aware that James was still standing just a few steps away from me. Please, don’t look at me now.
“I missed you,” Luca said in a low voice, and I wished nobody heard him. I averted my gaze and he turned to the other three people behind us. Francesco greeted him kindly –they knew each other well, and we hung out together all the time in Milan– and introduced him to Claudia and Jennifer. Luca thanked Claudia for inviting him to her wedding even though they had never met in person before, and now confirmed he’d be there. Jenn looked at him as if she wanted to kill him, and I could see her fingers tightening around James’ arm.