“I can, but if I’m wrong, I’m afraid it will ruin everything. People here…it’s not like Phoenix. This is the Bible Belt. Being gay…a lot of people still aren’t accepting, and even if she’s okay with it, and she’s told me she is, that doesn’t mean she’s ready or willing to admit her own attraction. She might not even understand that what she’s feeling is attraction.”
“So, you’re thinking about tucking tail and running home. From your family and from her.”
“Do you have to put it like that?”
“That’s what you’d be doing.”
“I’m just so overwhelmed.”
“That’s completely understandable, and anyone in your position would be. Your heart is being tugged in all kinds of directions. The only way to stop that is to deal with one thing at a time. And if I were you, I’d start with my family. You’re smarter than the average bear, Carla. I know you can find a solution, one that everyone agrees with, and you guys can patch things up and move on. I’d make that my first priority and leave things be with the woman for now. You fear talking to her about your attraction, so just continue on as is. I know it’s been a while for you, but I’m pretty sure you can control yourself, right?”
Carla laughed softly. “I’m going to have to. I can’t risk making that first move without being one hundred percent sure it’s what she wants. She’s too good of a friend and I’m a guest in her home.”
“So, if anything happens, it will be her doing?”
Carla’s mind whirled with excitement as she imagined what that would be like.
“At this point, yes. I have to let her take the lead.”
“What would you do if she did make a move? You might want to think about that in case it does happen.”
“I don’t know, faint? I haven’t been with a woman in so long her touch just might completely overwhelm me and down I’d go.”
Nadine laughed. “You might be right.”
“No, but seriously,” Carla said. “I’m not sure how I would react. I just know that I’m seeing her in a whole new light now, and I’m discovering so much about her. She’s incredible and I don’t know how I’ve missed seeing that.”
“Maybe you didn’t. Maybe you’ve always felt for her, but you didn’t think you would ever be able to do anything about it, so you put it in its place. Tucked it away somewhere deep and dark where it wouldn’t drive you crazy and constantly tempt you to confess your feelings for her. She might have done the same thing with her attraction to you. A lot of people have to do that at some point in their lives, for numerous reasons.”
“It would explain the déjà vu I experience with her sometimes. But that could just be me remembering our past.” She sighed, the conversation stirring up more than she’d bargained for but glad that it had. She’d needed a new perspective and a point in the right direction. “I’d better go. I’ve got a lot to think about.”
A lot.
“You’ll be okay. Just remember our motto.”
“If you don’t know, you better FITFO.”
Carla laughed at the meaning of the acronym.
Figure it the fuck out.
“God, I miss you so much right now.”
“I’m there with ya, hon, so you hang tough, okay?”
“I will. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Kisses and hugs and all my love,” Nadine said in their traditional good-bye.
Carla didn’t respond right away. She stared out beyond the front of the church, where the green disappeared at the edge of the hill. She had a lot to face and a lot to deal with, and it all lay ahead at the bottom of that hill where the old Chevy sat waiting for her in the parking lot. Now, however, she felt like she could handle it, thanks to Nadine and the one other person who had shown her continuous support and understanding, literally holding her in her protective embrace the night before. She thought about her as she said good-bye to Nadine, using the word that meant the most to her in this world, a word Janice had used the night before as she held her in her arms. A word she never imagined would be paired with Janice Carpenter.
“Love,” Carla said, lowering the phone slowly from her ear, still lost in her stare beyond, still lost in her thoughts about the mysteriously beautiful woman who had always been there, but had now suddenly become front and center.
She closed her eyes and once again paired her image with that all-encompassing word.
Love.
Chapter Fourteen
Janice slowed her pace as she walked down the grassy incline back behind her great-aunt’s house. Storm clouds, thick and heavy looking, had just slid in front of the sun, casting a dark shadow over the surrounding modest brick homes, a silent warning of their intent. She was grateful for the temporary reprieve from the sun, but the air still felt stifling and smothering, with a humidity level just as high as the temperature.
She smoothed her hands over her tightly bound hair, glad that she’d put it up in a ponytail. Her choice to wear a lightweight tank top and cotton shorts also seemed to have been wise, especially now that she found herself out in the heat, approaching her great-aunt’s garden.
“Hey, Mamie,” she said, glad to see she was just as active as ever, hunched over the black soil in a bright, flower-pattered muumuu and oversized straw hat.
Though her real name was Millie, she had always preferred to go by Mamie, and Janice, along with Mamie’s grandchildren and great-grandchildren, had always referred to her as such. She turned, appearing startled, and then grinned with recognition after pushing up on her horn-rimmed eyeglasses.
“Well, I’ll be.” She stood with hands stained from the earth for a gentle hug and kiss. “It’s good to see you, sugar. Let me tidy up here and we’ll go on in the house before that thunder a-gets us.”
“I’m surprised you aren’t already inside,” Janice said, knowing how much storms bothered her. Thunder had yet to grumble, but the storm was right on top of them, and usually Mamie took more precaution, taking cover inside away from the windows with the lights shut off.
“It kindly snuck up on me. Shoulda been payin’ more attention.” She glanced up at the cloud cover. “We better hurry. It’s a-coming.”
Janice helped her tuck away her gardening tools under the overhead porch and then carried the bucket she’d packed full of freshly plucked vegetables.
“Garden’s looking good,” Janice said. Mamie brushed her hands together and then opened the basement door. They stepped inside the dim space that always had a smell that made Janice think of the word murky, even as a child. The washing machine was going on the other side of the room, and Janice was awed that Mamie could still carry baskets of laundry up and down the basement stairs, a feat other women her age might find difficult. Mamie was a force to be reckoned with at eighty-six years old, and Janice figured all the physical work she still did was what kept her so spry. She could only hope to be that vigorous at her age.
“The tomatoes come in nicely, and I got some cucumber, and some corn and green beans. But there ain’t been much else. I reckon that rain will help everything along.”