Carla saw a hint of a grin.
“Yes, ma’am. I’ve had to light a lot of candles in my day.”
“You don’t sound like you enjoy that.”
“I don’t, no. Why would I? Losing power in Phoenix in the middle of July is awful. It’s way too hot to be without air conditioning. And for days at a time? Nightmare.”
“I didn’t even think about the heat. What do you do?”
“Me? I leave. I get the hell out. If I hear it’s going to take more than a day to fix the power, I drive a couple of hours north and stay up there until things are taken care of. But that’s worse-case scenario. The power is usually up and running again within a few hours. That’s been my experience anyway.”
“Sound like something you might want to see?”
“Me?” Her eyes were wide. “I don’t know. I haven’t really tho—”
Carla waited for her to finish. She didn’t.
“Did I scare you?”
She looked at her with alarm. “Scare me? No, of course not. Why would I be scared to come to Arizona?”
“I don’t know,” Carla said softly. “I was referring to my description of the storms.”
“Oh. No. Storms don’t frighten me. I kind of like them.” She ran her hand through her hair and then propped her elbow on the armrest and leaned her cheek into her palm.
Is she trying to appear unaffected? If so, for whom? Her or me?
“You should come. I think you would really like Arizona.”
Janice was quiet.
“Janice?”
“Mm, yes, maybe I would like it.”
“Have you thought about coming?”
Thunder rolled above them and the rainfall increased, assaulting the roof with machine-gun sounding clatter.
“I don’t know. Not a whole lot I guess.”
“Really? I thought with all your reading about it, you would want to see it for yourself.”
She drew her feet up to rest at her side.
“You said it was beautiful, right?” Carla knew she was pressing her. But she felt driven to discover why she was so reluctant in discussing her obvious interest. “Don’t you want to see it in person?”
She smoothed her pants. More so than was necessary.
“Janice?”
She whipped her head up. “I said I don’t know, okay? I haven’t given it a lot thought.”
Carla blinked, surprised at her reaction but still confused by her answer.
“Why not?”
Janice looked right into her and spoke quickly. “Because it wasn’t possible. Because it wasn’t reality. It was a dream.” She closed her mouth and turned away as if she’d said too much.
Wasn’t possible? Wasn’t reality? How long has she been thinking about this?
“A dream,” Carla said. “There’s nothing wrong with having dreams.”
She didn’t respond.
“You know, if you want to come, you can. You’d have a place to stay. I’d love to have you.”
She remained silent.
“That makes the dream a little more possible, doesn’t it? Dreams sometimes can come true.”
She breathed deeply and Carla thought she saw her shudder.
“Janice.”
Carla leaned forward, trying to catch her gaze.
“Yes, Carla,” she said.
“I feel like I’ve upset you again and I don’t understand why. And I want to understand.”
“There’s nothing to understand.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I don’t even understand,” she said. “So, how could you?”
“Try me. It’s worth a shot, right?”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t think in this case it is.”
“What do you have going on in that beautiful mind of yours, Janice? What could possibly be so upsetting? And what could it possibly have to do with Arizona?”
Lightning flashed, intruding upon the candlelight. Thunder cracked a second later, and when Janice looked at her again, she had a storm of her own brewing in her eyes.
For a moment, Carla was struck breathless, speechless. She searched that storm thoroughly for answers to her questions but found nothing she could hold on to. Every time she was sure she had something, and she reached for it, it slipped from her hands. There was one thing that kept bobbing to the surface, however, always just out of reach but very clear in sight.
“Is it me, Janice?”
She blinked. Once. Then a few times rapidly. Her lips parted. Carla could sense that she wanted to move but she didn’t. She kept very still and even held her gaze. Then she pressed her lips firmly together as if remaining so stoic was of great difficulty to her.
“I don’t have a problem with you being gay, Carla. I’ve told you that several times now.”
“I wasn’t referring to my sexuality. And you didn’t answer my question.”
“I did.”
“I asked if I was the reason why you’re upset. You saying you have no issue with my sexuality, doesn’t really answer the question. So, I’ll ask you again. Am I the reason you’re upset?”
“No.”
She was firm, both in tone and in posture.
Carla sighed and rubbed her forehead.
“I’m not sure I believe you.”
“I don’t know how to convince you.”
“You could tell me why you’re so upset and why you close off when I bring up the magazines or anything having to do with Arizona.”
She finally shifted, bringing her feet back to the floor. She had her palms on her thighs and looked as though she were about to stand. Carla feared she was about to run.
“Just, please. I—Are you really okay with my being here? Because if something has changed and you would feel more comfortable if I wasn’t here, then I would understand.” She wasn’t getting anywhere with her other attempts. Janice wasn’t letting her in. So, at the very least, she needed to be sure her presence was something Janice wanted.
“I don’t want you to feel obligated.”
“I don’t,” she said, but her voice didn’t have the strength it had before. “And I don’t want you to leave.”
The rain stopped and the rumbling thunder sounded like it was moving on.
“I would ask you if you’re sure, but judging by the look on your face right now, I’m thinking that wouldn’t be a good idea.”
“I prefer you taking me at my word. The first time.”
Carla nodded. “Yeah, I’m finally getting that.”
“I will say this though. If you ever need to talk, about anything, you can talk to me. I mean that most sincerely.”
“Okay.”
“I care about you. A great deal. More than you probably realize.” Carla was now the one who could no longer hold eye contact. She was confessing more than her words were construing and there was a part of her that didn’t want Janice to see that.
She swallowed and turned to Janice with a newfound smile, intent on releasing them both from the tension.
Janice, however, seemed to be ahead of her. She quickly stood, a smile of her own beaming down at Carla.
“How about a walk? Storm seems to have passed. Might be nice to get some fresh air. Albeit muggy, humid air.”