She’s not going to tell me.
She’s going to keep putting on a front.
Whatever it is she’s hiding, she’s just not ready to share it.
Carla was crestfallen, but she kept her smile. She had to continue to think of Janice and her position as her friend.
“Sounds good.”
“I’ll get our shoes.” Janice hurried down the hallway.
Carla rubbed her forehead again and sighed, wondering if she should ever try again.
Wondering if Janice would ever be ready to open up.
Chapter Seventeen
The morning was bright and vibrant with color. Janice stood at the kitchen sink washing last night’s dishes, thinking about how she would’ve never put off cleaning up after dinner when alone. But she and Carla had been deep in conversation and Janice had been so enraptured, she’d easily agreed to leave the dishes for another time, choosing instead to join Carla on the front porch with a bottle of homemade muscadine wine she’d brought home from a family friend. They’d sat in the gliding chair for hours, talking, drinking, and staring off into the darkness until the tiny glowing bulbs of the lightning bugs dissipated.
Janice couldn’t ever remember feeling so warm and content, and she was sure that had way more to do with Carla than the wine.
She stared out the window at a cardinal hopping from limb to limb, basking in the pale yellow of the early morning light. His red plume was stark against the green leaves, keeping her attention. She was riveted by the colors, amused by his movements. He couldn’t seem to remain still and yet he didn’t seem sure as to where to go next. He just kept hopping from limb to limb.
His unsettlement struck her.
Somehow, to this cardinal, she could relate.
For she too, felt like she was hopping aimlessly from limb to limb. The more time she spent with Carla, the more demanding her attraction became. She was incredibly intelligent, which Janice had known, but visiting with her one-on-one for an extended amount of time had opened her eyes even more. Carla was well educated and well-read and she still had that insatiable thirst for knowledge she’d had as a kid.
Their conversations, some deep and intellectual, some funny and lighthearted, left her stimulated and intrigued and far from satisfied.
The physical appeal of her had been indomitable, along with what she had initially known about her, but they had nothing on the desire she felt now.
She wanted her.
Oh, yes, she did.
Mind, body, and soul.
She’d taken her to bed in her mind every night, as she often did, and grazed her fingertips along her own body while dreaming into the darkness. Knowing she was there, across the hall, a few steps away, was torturously arousing, and she’d slipped her hand between her legs on more than one occasion, bringing herself to climax quickly and powerfully, which helped to keep her in her own bed and away from Carla’s.
And though she was trying to continue to hide her attraction, she knew Carla was picking up on it. She’d nailed her to the couch with her gentle but well-targeted questions and Janice had managed to squeeze through the walls of Carla’s force field on that occasion, but she was certain Carla would pin her down again at some point.
For some reason, Carla wanted to know what she was thinking, what she was feeling. But Janice couldn’t see what could come in telling her her deepest truth. If Carla was offering to lend an ear as a caring friend and only a caring friend, then she couldn’t tell her. That might jeopardize their friendship. If she was offering to lend an ear as someone more than a friend, as someone who sensed and shared in Janice’s feelings of attraction, she couldn’t tell her then either. Carla had said she wasn’t looking for love. She wasn’t interested in another relationship.
Janice’s suspicions of Carla’s mutual attraction didn’t matter. If Carla wasn’t interested in love or relationships, then her interest in Janice was probably strictly physical. Merely sexual. And Janice wasn’t sure she could have a casual affair with her, as wildly passionate as she presumed it would be, and then be perfectly fine when she left. She was highly doubtful she could, and she didn’t know what that kind of heart break would do to her.
Carla wanting her like that though, looking at her the way she sometimes did, did things to Janice that kept her up most nights. Carla desiring her had seemed so farfetched not that long ago and to think it might be happening seemed absolutely surreal.
Was Carla really the type who could engage in casual affairs?
Janice had no way of knowing, no experience in any sort of relationship outside of her marriage. But there was a tiny twinge in the back of her mind that told her that wasn’t who Carla was.
If that were true, then what would that imply about Carla’s attraction to her?
She glanced back up at the cardinal, curious to see if had finally settled.
He was gone.
“Good morning,” Carla said smoothly as she slid in next to her at the sink scooting her over. She, like Janice, was fresh from the shower and she smelled so good Janice’s legs weakened.
“Morning.”
Carla took the washed coffee mug from her and rinsed it. She smiled over at her with eyes that looked like liquid sunshine.
“You’re not going to try to shoo me away from the sink, are you? Because I’ll fight. Tooth and nail. I ain’t scared of you no more. Well, not as scared as I was anyway.”
“That’s disappointing.”
“Is it now? You prefer me fearing you?”
Janice laughed. “It has its advantages.”
“Such as?”
“It keeps you in line. And you do as I say.”
“Oh, I see. You like bossing me around. Making me do what you want.”
Oh, dear Lord, the thoughts I’m having.
Janice dropped a plate, splashing soap bubbles onto her forearms and shirt. She could feel Carla watching her as she continued to wash, trying to appear unaffected.
“Did I ever thank you for dinner last night?” Carla teased her, changing the subject. “Because it was spectacular.”
“Numerous times.”
“Well, tack on another.”
“I guess you weren’t kidding about your love for Mexican food.”
“More like my need. Love has been bypassed.” She grinned. “Anyway, thank you. I was having withdrawals.”
“It was no trouble. I’m glad you liked it.”
“You went out of your way to make those enchiladas for me. Don’t think I didn’t notice.”
“I may have felt a little bad for you,” Janice said, passing her another dish. “So, I thought I’d give it a try to see if that would make you feel less homesick.”
“You succeeded. And someday, when you come to Phoenix…” she paused and seemed to search for words. “If you ever come, I’ll do the same for you.” She cleared her throat and Janice was relieved she’d put the topic to rest. Reliving that conversation was not something she wished to do at the moment, and she’d been grateful when Carla hadn’t broached the subject again.
Janice fumbled with a saucer.
“You’re a really good cook,” Carla said. “I love that. I love a lot of things about you.” Her voice once again trailed off. She stared out the window and Janice wondered if she’d meant to say what she had. She spoke again and sounded playful.