‘You should,’ she agrees, kindly ignoring my random complaint.
‘It shouldn’t be this hard.’ I bang my fist on the table. ‘And I’m bloody sick and tired of pretending that I know what I’m doing all the time. Would it be so awful just to admit that I don’t actually possess all the answers in the universe?’
Cassie leans forward and gives me a firm look. ‘Yes. Yes it would. We are women, Hannah and our one superpower is knowing everything about everything. If we let them suspect, for even one second, that we aren’t fully in control then we’ll be left with nothing. Do you understand me?’
I nod my head wearily but I don’t actually think I do understand. I just know that it all feels wrong right now.
‘What’s this actually about, Hannah?’ Cassie softens her grimace and gives me a concerned look. ‘Is it Nick? Or the kids?’
‘Yes.’ I slump back into my chair. ‘No. Oh god, I don’t know. I just know that I’m tired all the time and it feels like I’ve been breaking bits off myself to give to everyone else for so long that I didn’t even realise there was nothing left for me. Never mind time to focus on my actual marriage.’
Cassie smiles. ‘What you need is a date night,’ she tells me. ‘Go somewhere nice with Nick. Just the two of you.’
I suppress a howl. I’ve barely seen Nick properly in the last few weeks. He’s constantly busy either at work or fixing his bloody Land Rover and even when we are together, we’re both either utterly exhausted or end up talking about money and how the hell we’re going to pay for everything that needs paying for.
Plus it feels like our family is in some kind of strange limbo, waiting for Dylan to go to university. None of us quite know how we’re supposed to be feeling and there’s nothing that I can do to ‘fix’ it because it’s supposed to be this way. We were never going to stay being the five of us forever, I know that. It’s making me feel like everything is layered with a thin sprinkling of sadness and I just don’t know if Nick feels the same way that I do. I’d ask him but I’m scared that I won’t like the answer.
‘I don’t think that’s going to help,’ I say. ‘A meal out is not going to solve my problems.’
A concerned look passes over Cassie’s face.
‘Are you guys having trouble?’ she asks quietly, glancing around to make sure that nobody can overhear. ‘You can talk to me about it if you are, Hannah. God knows if anyone will understand man trouble then it’s me. And men can get very challenging in their middle years, believe me.’
I shake my head. ‘It’s not really man trouble though. It’s woman trouble. It’s me.’
Cassie frowns and I elaborate.
‘I’m just feeling a bit – well, a bit boring.’
I pause, unsure how much to tell her but then decide that if I can’t talk to Cassie then the only other option is my mother and that is never happening, no matter how happy it would make her.
‘And it’s not just my life and who I am that’s a bit dull,’ I whisper, even though the staffroom is still empty. ‘It’s more than that. I think I’m maybe a bit boring in the bedroom. You know. When it comes to being sexy?’
Cassie starts to laugh but then sees my face and quickly stops.
‘What do you mean? Why would you think that? Has Nick said something to you?’
‘No!’ I shudder. ‘Of course he hasn’t. He’d never be so insensitive. No – I just think that I’m not very imaginative. I’ve been desperately trying to write some erotic scenes for Bella Rose and Daxx but I can’t get it right.’
‘I think you’re super sexy,’ says Cassie loyally, but I can see her mouth twitching. I shouldn’t have expected her to understand. The woman gets a facial twice a month and has a gym membership that she actually uses, plus a very active Tinder account. Her life is way more exciting than mine can ever hope to be. ‘You’re just having a bad day.’
‘It’s not just that though,’ I tell her. ‘Scarlet keeps banging on about me being middle-aged and I’m usually able to ignore her but lately it’s been getting harder and harder.’
Cassie shrugs her shoulders. ‘What’s the definition of middle-age?’ she asks me. ‘Is it a number or a state of mind? And as much as I love her, Scarlet can be a bit much sometimes, Hannah. Don’t let her get to you.’
‘That’s easy for you to say,’ I retort, sniffing loudly. ‘You don’t have to deal with her every day. And anyway, I’m starting to think that she might be right. I’ve looked online and I’m definitely displaying some of the symptoms of aging.’
‘We’re all aging, Hannah.’ Cassie sounds amused. ‘But go on – I’ll bite. Which ones?’
‘Well, I forgot all about Benji needing to take cakes in for the school cake sale the other day,’ I tell her. ‘Which was mortifying because the PTA specifically tasked me with providing sugar-free flapjacks for those children whose parents actually care about their teeth. And so now, if any of the little cherubs require any kind of dental work in the next six months, then I am going to be held solely responsible.’
Cassie tuts. ‘You’re always forgetting stuff for Benji’s school,’ she says, clearly unmoved. ‘That’s down to your organizational skills, Hannah – not getting old and past it.’
‘Fine!’ I lean towards her. ‘I didn’t want to have to share this with you because I don’t want to gross you out, but you obviously aren’t taking me seriously. It’s not just aging that I’m showing signs of. It’s the peri-menopause too.’ I lower my voice further. ‘I’m fairly sure that I have a reduced libido.’
I sit back, smug. There’s no way she can minimise that little nugget of information.
‘And you are basing this on what, exactly?’ Cassie does not look grossed out. She looks highly entertained.
I hold my hand up and start counting off on my fingers.
‘One: If we watch a film then I’m always asleep before it’s even halfway through. Two: Sometimes, if I had to choose, I’d rather have a hot bath and read my book than engage in any other nocturnal activity. Three: If we do actually have you-know-what then it’s not unheard of for my mind to start roaming onto other things and I’m not talking about sexy things – I’m talking about what food there is in the fridge and when the car is due for its next service and whether Dogger needs a top-up of worming pills. And four: As previously mentioned, I am struggling to write about anything that could be classed as even a bit sexually adventurous which is a problem when I’m supposed to be a writer of erotica and I’m currently attempting to write Book Two, which so far doesn’t even have a bloody title.’
I take a deep breath and blink hard. ‘I just don’t think I’m a very sexual person and that makes me want to cry. Quite a lot.’
Cassie jumps out of her seat and comes around the table, enveloping me in a big hug.
‘Hannah. My lovely but ever-so-slightly ridiculous friend. There is nothing wrong with you, okay?’
I pull away. ‘Did you not just hear the list of woe that I am dealing with? I’m only two steps away from needing to book into a retirement home.’