What has this competition done to me?
What has Gage done to me?
I want to say it on camera. I know there were cameras on us in the food room when we made this deal, so I know people will see it was Tyler’s idea...and I can’t sit here and lie to Ben about my feelings for Tyler and Gage.
But I don’t know if he’s seen that footage. I don’t know if he knows, if Kat knows...if anyone knows the truth yet aside from the two of us.
“If I admit something to you, will it stay between the two of us? Or will you run and tell the other producers?” I ask.
“Depends on what it is,” he answers truthfully as he looks down at his clipboard. But then his eyes raise to mine, and his soften as compassion wins. “Oh,” he says when he sees that my eyes are filled with tears. “Whatever you say right now will be recorded for the camera. The cameras are always on.” His voice is low. “I have no control over who views it or when. But, Lex, if you have something you want to talk about, I won’t talk about it with anyone else until we’re done filming.”
Something inside me trusts him.
I press my lips together, and I look up at the ceiling in a futile attempt to ward off the tears. I draw in a deep, shaky breath, and then I say, “I was looking for a way to distract Gage from the prize, silly things like putting cat pictures all over his room because I know he hates cats, and Tyler said the number one way to distract him would be to act like I’m over him. It was his idea to fake a relationship. I regret it, but now I feel like I’m in too deep to stop. And besides, it looks like Gage has moved on with Kat, and you know what? I like Tyler. He’s a good guy.”
“Do you have real feelings for him?”
I sigh. It would be so much easier if I did. I did get some butterflies when we kissed...but he’s not Gage. He didn’t awake feelings in me like I’ve never had before. Maybe he could have if I’d have met him first, if I’d have allowed those feelings to develop and I wasn’t devastated over what I just lost. “Maybe.” I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m not in a place where I’m ready to jump in with both feet.”
“So it’s all fake, then.” He says it flatly, not like a question.
I nod.
“And you’re in love with Gage.”
I nod again. “Hopelessly.”
“Do you want him back?”
I lift a shoulder, and then I pour out a little more of my soul. “I thought I did, but I’ve learned over the last few days that he’s not the guy I thought he was. I’m in love with the guy I left behind in a hotel room Sunday morning. This guy...he’s someone else entirely. He’s someone I don’t even know.”
“But if you were given the chance to get to know him...” he trails off, waiting for me to fill in the rest.
“I think we’ve both gone too far in the wrong direction at this point. I think it’s time to admit defeat.”
“Will you keep up the ruse with Tyler?” he asks.
“I sort of have to at this point, don’t I? I mean, if nothing else, to save face. I can’t just drop Tyler like a hot potato now that Gage is all over Kat.”
He presses his lips together in understanding, and that’s the end of our conversation.
I avoid Gage the rest of the day. I spend most of my time up in my bedroom, alternating between writing my thoughts down into snippets that might become lyrics and feeling sorry for myself.
I head up to bed early. It was an early morning after a late night, I still have a headache from the whiskey sours, and we have no idea what’s coming tomorrow in terms of the next challenge.
Tyler comes up to check on me just as I’m about to slide into bed. “You okay?” he asks.
I shrug. “Not really.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” I repeat with a wry smile.
“Get in bed,” he instructs, and I do. He slides in next to me, and he wraps his arms around me. I lean into his chest and close my eyes. I’m just about to drift off to sleep when his voice comes out in a whisper. “I think you might be the best friend I’ve had in a long time.”
“I think if the situation was different, we wouldn’t need to pretend,” I admit.
He kisses the top of my head. “I agree.”
I blow out a breath. “Sometimes I wish I would’ve met you in the hotel lobby.”
He chuckles. “It’s probably better you didn’t. I’m no good for a nice girl like you.”
I link my arm around his waist and squeeze.
“And for the record, Lex, he’s not, either.” His voice is low, and it’s the last thing I hear before I let sleep take me.
CHAPTER 34: GAGE
Their door is cracked open when I walk by on my way to bed, and I can’t help when my eyes edge into their room.
I look at his bed first. It’s empty. Hers is the one closer to the door, and it has two people in it.
They’re asleep.
In the same twin bed.
His arms are wrapped around her, and her head is on his chest.
Her head should be on my chest.
My arms should be wrapped around her.
If there was ever a moment in time when I thought maybe she and Tyler were faking it for my benefit, seeing them sharing the same bed certainly proves the truth.
When did this situation get so fucked?
Part of me wants to go in there and rip him the fuck off of her, while the other part of me realizes it’s her life and she’s free to do what she wants.
I get that she’s angry with me for what I accidentally said in my surprised state that first night...but running to another man’s arms seems so out of character for her.
And yet...there she is.
According to her, flings are also out of her character but that didn’t stop her from having one with me.
I guess it’s time to admit that a fling is all it was. I thought there was more between us, but seeing her wrapped in him the way she is proves it was pretty damn easy for her to move on.
That should be my sign. I should move on, too.
But I can’t.
Not when it’s still so fresh, and not under these incredibly stressful circumstances within the competition where we’re fighting for something so important to each of us.
I feel defeated as I climb into bed. My arms are cold without her in them.
It was only two nights, really, where I got to hold her through the night, but it was enough to create an addiction.
And now I’m suffering through withdrawal while having the drug shoved in my face day after day after day.
I suppose when I fell asleep, I was hopeful I’d wake with a new fire lit inside me. That’s not the case, though. That feeling of defeat is a thick cloud hovering over me.
I trudge through the day with that cloud over me. Decker asks me what’s wrong, and Blaze has more words in the food room, and even John says something to me, but their words are all so fleeting I can’t even be bothered to really care.
Lexi and Tyler avoid me, and I avoid them.
It’s just easier that way.
Until mid-afternoon, when I’m sitting on the patio in a lounge chair by myself as I stare out over the ocean, thinking about how different this whole experience could have been if I hadn’t met Lexi at all, or if I hadn’t blurted out that we slept together, or a million other little tweaks.