I watched him go and shrunk back to the edge of the area, trying to pull my senses together.
“You ready to go?”
“Um, sure. Yes. Thank you.” I looked at Oliver, desperate to rewind the last few minutes and spare him that visual. I knew why he’d looked that way, and I knew where my guilt stemmed from.
Oliver had feelings for me. And I had feelings for him—I just didn’t know how to classify them or act on them without hurting Maddison because I had feelings for him as well. The two halves of my heart. And I couldn’t do anything without risking heartache to all of us, which was why I’d been content to play the ostrich.
I would never choose between them, and up until tonight, I was sure I’d never have to.
But that kiss changed everything.
I just never imagined how much.
Chapter 14
Oliver 21 Years Old
That kiss.
It haunted me.
It ripped apart my heart and poisoned it with my darkest fears.
It was everything I’d longed to do myself, played back in front of my eyes, just with one difference—it wasn’t me kissing Grace. To my surprise, no one spoke of it again after that night. I’d half expected for Maddison to gloat over it. Claim his victory over me and rub it in my face. But that didn’t happen.
He didn’t come home the night of the fight, and I left to go back to Uni before seeing him in the morning. What would I say? Thanks for kissing the girl I love. Oh, and by the way, what the hell was with this fighting thing?
No. It was better this way. I wouldn’t have to play witness to whatever his plan was with Grace, because I knew I couldn’t take watching him ask her to choose. She might have kissed him, but the look on her face told me what I needed to know. She was just as conflicted by our happy little puzzle as the rest of us.
I’d go back and lick my wounds, and nobody would know the difference. A few weeks of final study before the end of year exams, easy, and the perfect cover for avoiding everyone. Then I’d be free. I’d already secured a job with a great company who offered a graduate recruitment programme. All I needed to do was accept it. The drawback was that it was on the other side of the country, with no option to move back to be close to home. Or Grace.
The options were all in front of me. Do as I usually did and pick Grace. But I’d done that already, and we were no closer to figuring anything out. Maybe it was time to ignore the torment of my heart and think about me?
Grace, of course, didn’t take to the silent treatment. She’d messaged me constantly. The guilt was plain in the words of the messages, but that couldn’t erase what I’d witnessed, and I couldn’t stop feeling damaged as a result. We’d all been locked in this stupid triangle for years, and it was finally reaching breaking point.
My messages in return were short and clipped, but Grace still saw through them.
Nothing is going on between us. You have to believe me.
And I did. She’d avoided choosing either of us all these years, and I doubted she ever would, or even could cope with the repercussions of what that would do. She was sweet and kind, with too big a heart.
When are you coming home? Your exams are finishing soon. We need to celebrate.
Why aren’t you answering me? It’s usually the other way around.
I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please talk to me.
I miss you.
Every message got harder to read, and every time I shut the screen off before replying, a shot of pain ran through my chest. I’d been there to look out for Grace, to support her, and love her since the day I first met her. Ignoring her now went against every fibre of my being. And at night, when my nightmares and fear about the future manifested themselves, I worried I was just pushing her further into Maddison’s arms.
But that was something else I needed to get used to as well.
Final exam done. I’m free. I’ll be home at the weekend, and we can catch up.
Finally! I thought you were going to ignore me forever. I can’t wait for you to be home.
I’d had a few days to get everything in order. There was time. But as my plan came together in my mind, my biggest fear loomed large ahead of me—would I be able to go through with it?
Time seemed to race past when you weren’t looking forward to something, and the weekend would bring the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I’d do anything to escape if for another day, another hour, but that would only bring more misery.
“Finally. I thought you’d never get here.” Grace came out to greet me on the steps, Bob in her arms, happy to be carried around and petted.
“Sorry. Lots to get sorted, you know.”
She nodded, and an awkward air fell over us. I could tell she was nervous, perhaps still worried about the kiss between her and Maddison. He was yet to talk to me about anything that happened that night. He’d even avoided my messages. It seemed brotherly love and the friendship we’d promised Grace to uphold only went so far.
Well, after today, it wouldn’t matter.
“Let’s go for a drive,” I suggested knowing I couldn’t do this on her doorstep.
She set Bob down and came willingly with a bit of a smile on her lips. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel off when we were together for the last time. Of course, she didn’t know that.
We drove to the end of the lane and to our field. The oak that had witnessed so much of our fun as children still stood, shading the ground around it. We both climbed over the gate, instinctively knowing where to go. Grace sat down and rested against the trunk. This place—our spot—seemed fitting. The field was growing wild towards the far end. The grass left untended. I’d asked Dad about the land, and he said that the farm a few miles farther along owned it, although they hadn’t used the pasture for anything over the last few years.
I was stalling, looking out at the land before turning to Grace.
“I bet you’re excited to be finished at Uni. It feels a very long two years in front of me,” she mused.
I headed back to her and moved inside the shade of the tree. “It will fly by, you’ll see.”
“Maybe. Have you got any ideas about jobs or anything yet? Or even what you want to do? Maths is pretty generic.” She looked around the field, and I wondered if she was thinking about all of our shared memories here.
“There are a few plans in place. But there’s a catch. Most of the jobs I want are all in London.”
“London?” She whipped her head to me as she questioned my answer.
“Yeah. I’ve accepted a graduate programme, actually.”
“Wow, that’s great. London —” Her enthusiasm died on her lips as I saw her work through the ramifications, her eyes lowered as she thought.
“It’s for the best. It’s time I moved on.” I reached out my arm and offered a hand for her to stand.
Her scowl furrowed her brow. “What do you mean? Why would London be best?”