“Let me take those.” He reached for the dead flowers, his fingers grazed my hand, but he just wrapped his hand around mine.
“No, Oliver.” But his hand held mine firmly as I tried to pull away.
“No more hiding. No more running. Tell me why you keep treating me like I’ve wronged you in some way.” His voice was gentle, but I could hear the hurt in his words.
“You haven’t done anything to wrong me.”
“Then what? I came back because I couldn’t live without you, and I’d accepted that you might be with Maddison. But since he’s been gone, you’ve shut me out completely. I feel like I’ve lost my friend as well as my brother.”
Panic swarmed around as he confronted me. I didn’t have any answers for him, at least none that made sense. I ripped my hand free, but still felt the pressure on my skin as I took a final look at him and turned, retreating.
The breath I’d been holding all the way home eased from my lungs as I closed the door behind me.
“Good day at work?” Mum asked from the living room. All of her questions and our conversations were timid like she was walking on eggshells around me. I couldn’t blame her. I’d pushed her away as well as Oliver.
I peeked around the door and saw her with a cup of tea. “Why did you keep Oliver’s letters from me?”
She turned to look at me, and I felt the burden of this question, for both of us, in the air. She switched off the television and put her mug of tea on the side. Her hand gently patted the cushion next to her like I was a child again. And in some ways, that’s exactly what I’d turned into. Too many emotions, fears, and thoughts to process all at once, so I pushed them away, only focused on the very basic needs to survive.
“I thought I explained that already, sweetheart.” She took my hand in hers. “I didn’t want to make you question anything between you and Maddison.”
“Yes, but why did you think they would?”
“Okay, I’ll spell it out for you.”
I’d never spoken much to Mum about my feelings. It’d only been a recent development—when I moved back—that we’d grown close enough for me to open up. When I was younger, I felt her over-protectiveness, but now I saw that it was just her way of looking out for me because of our past, and that was her job.
“You’ve been in love with Oliver Ray since you were a little girl. I know you loved them both—they meant the world to you. Anyone could see that. But when Oliver left, he killed a spark in you. I think it was because you always believed he’d be there for you. You had a special friendship above what you and Maddison had.
“But Maddison gave you a second chance, and I wanted to protect that. You were happy, and that happiness was all I’d ever hoped for you.” She cuddled me into her, as my breathing began to stutter.
“I don’t know what to do, Mum,” I muffled into her shoulder.
“Do you still love Oliver?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded, hating that the guilt of admitting that to anyone else stung my eyes with tears and formed a nauseous pit in my stomach.
“Then what’s the problem?” She almost laughed, as if she couldn’t see anything standing in our way.
“It’s too soon. It doesn’t feel right. Not with Maddison –”
“Maddison is dead. And you can’t change that. Don’t let that ruin your future chance at happiness.” She pulled me out of her embrace and levelled a stare at me that was intimidating, considering the subject we were discussing.
“It can’t be that simple, Mum,” I protested.
“Why not?” Her eyes urged me to answer as they misted with tears.
I took a breath, hoping that I could be brave and honest with her. I was the one who’d started this conversation. I owed it to her to be honest and share exactly how I was feeling if she was going to help.
“Because I’m drowning in guilt. It’s suffocating. And anytime I think about even the possibility of a future with Oliver, it slams me again. How can I love Oliver when even the thought of an us brings such pain?”
“Darling, have you actually tried to move on?”
“Of course.” I defended. Although I wasn’t sure what trying to move on looked like other than what I’d been doing.
“Have you? All I’ve seen is you barely living.”
I started to open my mouth, but she cut me off.
“Don’t argue. You’ve been a walking ghost. And you’ve pushed Oliver away. Every time he’s phoned or visited, you’ve blocked him. And I think that’s because you’re punishing yourself.”
When she’d told me what she’d seen, it made sense. “If I hadn’t loved them both, Maddison would still be here.”
“You don’t know that. None of this is your fault. And frankly, from what you told me, Maddison had his own demons. Remember the reasons why you left him in the first place. Don’t pretend like everything was rosy when it wasn’t. Be honest with yourself.”
She was right. About it all. And hearing her perspective made everything so much more real. Like speaking the words prevented me from ignoring them any longer. But there was still something blocking me.
“And if you’re being honest with yourself, I need to be honest with you as well. There’s something I’ve kept from you. About Maddison’s death.” I looked up at her, my eyes drawn down at what she could possibly know that I didn’t. “He was fighting in your father’s ring. Your father organised the fight, and if the news reports are accurate, he’s now behind bars. Maddison has had justice, and so do you. We all do.”
“My father?” I thought back to the man who tried to speak to me at The Venue and tried to recall his face. It was still a fuzzy haze in my mind, just like everything else about that day.
My first instinct was to crumble. To let the news pull me back down into the darkness of grief and guilt that had suffocated me for all these months, and I felt the sickening sensation bubble up inside of me again.
And then I looked at Mum and thought about everything she must have faced when she was with my father. The turmoil and worry I’d experienced were tragic, but she had lived through his ways for years. With me. What she was telling me was closure for her. And a piece of me grasped hold of the small justice that her news delivered. For both of us.
She pulled me into her embrace again, knowing I needed her strength once again.
“It’s a lot to take in. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you about it sooner, but you weren’t ready to hear this. But now? I hope this can help you heal.”
“Oliver knew?”
“Yes. He’s kept it from you. But once the news came out in the papers, he came to see me. He wanted to ensure I knew the full account. That we all knew what we needed to. But it was my decision to keep you in the dark. Until now.”
Every time I’d inched closer to Oliver, something else had pushed us further apart. My body tensed with anger, cross that he’d hidden this from me.
“Don’t do that. Go and speak to him.”
“Who? My father?”
“No. I don’t want you to ever see him again. Oliver.”
I shook my head and pulled back, even more confused over my feelings than ever.